Celebrate Calm
Sometime recently a discussion was happening on an adoption group about various parenting experts. The usual big names were represented--Post and Purvis. An AAI mom (hi Molly!) popped in with a new name--"Celebrate Calm." Who's this? Never heard of them. Always looking for another good resource for myself and the families I serve, I popped on over to their facebook page. WOW. There were all sorts of little nuggets. Some examples are below.
"Some power struggles occur because we tell a strong-willed child what to do, then hover over him waiting for his response. Give firm, clear directions. And then remove yourself, your anxiety and your pressure. It gives your child some space, respect and time to cycle his thoughts, disappointment and response. If you can't control yourself, then expect more power struggles."
"When our kids mess up, we tend to send them away from us. When we mess up, God draws us closer. Just something to think about."
"You can't make people respect you. But you can always demonstrate self-respect. Calm is not a doormat. Calm is authoritative. Calm says I have complete control over myself, no matter how YOU behave. Calm says my value and self-worth does not depend on anyone else. Show self-respect and watch your kids, spouse and others begin to respect you more."
"Today, I am free. I am not responsible for my child's happiness. I am not responsible for managing my spouse. I am not responsible to make life perfect for everyone. It is not my job to fix everything or everyone. Today I do one thing that brings me joy. I celebrate it. And then I spread my joy to others, no matter what they do or how they behave."
"'You're right, honey. Life is not fair. Look at all the advantages you have that other people don't have.' A good way to foster gratitude rather than create a victim."
I am, in particular, a fan of that last one! ;0) Well, as I looked around the Celebrate Calm website I was surprised to see that they would be doing FREE workshops in Oklahoma all the following week. [They've never been in OK before. Coincidence?!] At first I only saw daytime homeschool convention workshops, but was delighted to find a 2 hour seminar on Wednesday night. Yes! Eric and I could both go together! [The problem with lots of this stuff is that *I* go and get excited, but my spouse isn't with me on it. It doesn't work if only one spouse is fired up.]
I think it's important to say that this "method" (whatever you want to call it) is NOT adoption focused. It's just your run-of-the-mill parenting method. However, the founder/creator has done much work with children who have been internationally adopted. Much of his research was conducted as he invited troubled children (many of which were adopted from Eastern Europe) to his home each summer. While the approach is not specifically for adoptive parenting, I've seen nothing that would be ill-advised for adoptive parents or children. In fact, it's all very much in line with what Post and Purvis say. All three of them have some things in common, but with different delivery.
- Parents must be in control of their own anxiety in order to effectively parent their child.
- Draw a child into you rather than sending a child away from you.
- Relationship over Discipline.
- Ultimately, you can only control yourself. You cannot control your child.
For our adopted kids, I'd say it's important to go deeper and understand the science that Post and Purvis teach about the trauma our kids have experienced. But CC does a good job of giving really practical ways of dealing with the day to day crap our kids hand out to us! And what's nice is that since CC isn't specifically for adopted children, you know it's also appropriate for your bio kids. Did I mention that Kirk is REALLY funny?
The founder of Celebrate Calm is decidedly Christian. We were at a Church last night so he definitely took that approach (but not in a way where the who method is based on the Bible--more where he added his Christian viewpoint as a side thought). I haven't listened to the CDs we bought yet, so I don't know if the CDs are Christian. I'm sort of betting they are. I'm Christian, so I like that. It makes sense to me.
One of the things he said that I appreciated is that as the parent we have EVERY RIGHT to sort of get in our kids' faces and demand respect...demand immediate obedience, etc.. However, that is not how he CHOOSES to parent because that doesn't yield the results he wishes for his children. He chooses to parent in a way that teaches his children self-discipline and self-respect, and also holds the parent-child relationship in high regard. I think that will sit well with lots of Bible Belt Christians who sometimes feel that all of this new-age parenting stuff is telling us we don't have a right to have authority over our own children. That's not in line with the Bible. He's saying we have that right, but we should be careful about how we choose to use it. Makes sense.
On the website I think it says you can get all of the CDs and DVDs for $497. At the seminar he had them on sale for $297. He was very clear that if you weren't able to purchase the materials because of financial hardship but you want them, to be assertive and they would work something out. I really believe they will make sure anybody who wants the materials will get them. I believe they are more concerned about people getting the materials they need than they are with people paying them money--truly. He said more than once that if you wanted the materials but couldn't afford them to "be assertive."
We haven't listened to all of the CDs and DVDs yet, but we are looking forward to it. One of them is just for dads. Another is from the founder's son directly to kids. Another set is on marriage. Another is specifically for school. It's a LOT of material. Of course, you can buy individual sets as well. We purchased all because we wanted 4 out of 7 and it was less expensive to purchase all seven than to purchase 4 of 7.
All in all, I'm very glad we went to the workshop and I'm not regretting that we purchased the materials. Some of the things suggested, we already do. Other things suggested, we had never considered before. I'm excited to see how the kids react to the materials that are specifically for them. I will add the Celebrate Calm stuff to our "tool chest" of parenting know-how. It's sort of comforting that all of my favorite experts agree on the core points.
It's funny to compare Taevy and Samren on the court. Samren is "all boy" and into anything "sports" so he has been excited about playing b-ball from the beginning. He's on a team of 1st-3rd grade boys. [Samren should be in 4th grade, but we held him back this year.] For the first time EVER he wasn't the shortest kid on the team! It's really exciting for him.
Taevy is a whole different story! First, she is pretty shy by nature. All new experiences really freak her out. She wasn't happy that we signed her up for b-ball. She cried before the first practice, but then said she had fun. She cried last night about her upcoming game, but after the game today she said it was fun.
Before half time we were getting killed! [It's not at all about score with this organization, but it was like 16-0.] We didn't know if T's team would make a basket. They are just 4 girls who have never played ball before! Well, when we were about to settle in for a long game Taevy surprised us by getting the ball on rebound and breaking away down the entire court, finishing off with a lay-up! She scored! EVERYBODY screamed and cheered and called her name! [Before that, they had been calling her name to remind her who she was supposed to be defending!]
February--First true "blizzard" I ever remember hitting Oklahoma.
March--Taevy's Doddle for Google entry.
May--Sleep over in the dining room.
June--Visit to Ghana, but also first visit to Togo!
July--Celebrating the 4th at Grandma B's house.
September--Unveiling of our new classroom!
October--Kendi's first Turkey Leg, a the Tulsa State Fair!
November--Kendi writes her name (without help) for the first time.
December--A cup of cocoa.
My very best gifts on this earth. My children.
Daddy and Bright got in a good round of gun-slinging!
Kendi got her own "big soft baby" from Grandma and Grandpa G. She didn't ask for a baby doll from ANYBODY else--only Grandma G. She loves it. Her name is Alex.
My sister and brother in law got all of the kids these cool "Thrity-One" bags with their names embroidered on them. Very neat! The kids really like them, as do I!
Sweet Niece and her growing family.
The big surprise of the day was when Grandma gave Taevy and Morgan (one month apart in age) their very own grown-up sewing machines! These are not toy machines, but rather machines that will take them into adulthood. Along with the machines comes sewing lessons from Grandma! Taevy won't bring her machine home until she has completed a series of Home Economics classes with her grandma. So special.
After all of the gifts were opened each one went to their own thing for a while. Samren, building his legos....
The house smelled wonderful as Monkey Bread baked in the oven. This is my mom's awesome recipe. She always made it for us on Christmas morning and I decided it was high time I started doing the same for my kids. 
Stockings first.
Our big "Santa" gift this year was a basketball for each child, and a basket ball goal for the family.
I mentioned in an earlier post that the basketball goal assembly didn't quite go as planned. No fear! Super Goal Daddy is here! This pic was taken right before they started chucking their balls at daddy!
This was Samren giving Taevy a hug after she gave him her gift--fuzzy socks!
Christmas Eve we got ready and went to service at our church (LifeChurch.TV). This was our first year to go to Christmas Eve services at LifeChurch. I wasn't sure what to expect. Would this non-traditional church tone it down and have a quiet, contemplative Christmas Eve service? Well, not so much! Ha! If anything, the worship team was more "alive and kickin" than normal! The message was great (as usual). And at the end we did get a little traditional with the whole church singing silent night. No candles for us though--glow sticks instead! =-)
Christmas Eve we can always look forward to Taevy's Christmas play. This is the 3rd (or 4th?) year she's done it. The first year it was basically them singing carols. It's getting more sophisticated every year. This year was complete with lines (that they didn't quite have memorized), staging, and a spotlight! This year's production was called "Christmas Bread" and included a theme of "Christmas isn't about gifts; it's about the birth of Christ."
The guys spent about 4 hours outside, trying to put together the kids' basketball goal so that it would be ready Christmas morning. Bust. But they get points for trying!
After the kids went to bed we got busy wrapping all of their gifts. [We always wait to wrap all of their gifts on Christmas Eve.] My mom can really whip out some wrapping skills! Unfortunately, I didn't have enough supplies, so I got stuck with the kiddie scissors and a role of tape that was meant for a dispenser (scraping the tape up every time I needed it). Here is mom doing our dishes even though she didn't need to. Always so helpful.
Our Christmas tree after everything was done.
My kids aren't encouraged to "believe in" Santa (except by my mom). My mom diligently set out cookies and cider for santa, with carrots for the reindeer. =-)
We were in bed around midnight, wishing for more sleep than we would get!
