What's that word again?

About 10 days ago I posted about a new medicine I'm trying for my fibromyalgia--Topamax. Oh man, this one is a doozy. It's too early to tell if I will have the benefits, but not too early to see the side effects!

Sweat: If you've read this blog for a while you know that one of my other meds (Savella) makes me sweat like CRAZY! Seriously, in the middle of winter in 20 degree weather I might feel cold on the outside but still be dripping sweat. It is BAD. It's like heat flashes on drugs! One of the possible side effects of Topamax is "decrease or inability to sweat." You have no idea the happy dance I did when I read that one! Ha! And wonder of wonders, I actually have that side effect! I haven't reached for my hankie all week! In the kids choir (where I am a helper) I usually sweat buckets--didn't even so much as get the vapors! Tonight when we did our weekly shopping errands--the ones were I usually end up with hair so wet I can literally wring it out--not one glistening drip!

Legs: Leg cramping/aches is another side effect. I was really feeling it the first several days, but the last few days it hasn't been so bad. I'm hoping that this side-effect is wearing off already.

Nausea: Yeah. I have this. But it's not so very bad. Lord knows I don't really need to eat that much so I'm not worried if I don't really feel like eating! It's not really bad nausea.

Sleepiness: Definitely. This is a step up medicine so I will be stepping up to 75% of my target dose starting tomorrow. So far I've only taken the medicine at night, but I've really felt sleepy during the day, really wanted to sleep in every morning. I'm concerned about how much more sleepy I will feel when I add in a dose in the morning. We shall see.

Word-Retrieval Problems: Honestly, when I read about this possible side-effect at the start, I wasn't worried. "Fibro Fog" is a well known symptom of fibromyalgia and I've been dealing with that for years. But THIS stuff is on a whole new level! For instance, I sat there for three minutes trying to come up with the symptom "drowsiness" above but couldn't for the life of me think of the word! Now that I don't need the word anymore I just now came up with it. What I could come up with was a somewhat decent synonym. This sounds like it would be no big deal but when I am talking with potential clients or co-workers or active clients on the phone during the day it is SO EMBARRASSING! I thought about telling people, but I tried that with my mom and it totally backfired! After I told her it was like the word-retrieval problems went into hyper-drive for the rest of the conversation! Even my writing is taking me longer because I can't come up with words--just the embarrassment factor isn't there. My kids are getting so used to it that they just automatically fill in the blank when I'm talking!

Weight Loss: Supposedly you don't see this side-effect until you are at a certain dosage, which happens to be my target full dosage. Haven't seen it. I'm mixed up about whether I want to have this side effect. Yes, nice to lose weight. But it's not good to lose weight the wrong way and then just gain it back later when you go off the med!

I'm just trying to make it 6 weeks. They say most side-effects last 6 weeks. If people can get past the 6 weeks they can really assess if the med will help them or not. The biggest two challenges for me will be the word-retrieval and drowsiness. We shall see!

I'd appreciate your prayers that the negative side-effects would go away and that I would continue to see the positive effects from the medicine.

[Silly post for anybody who doesn't have fibromyalgia but I put these out there because when I'm looking for info there is very little.]

Anita

What about the Pho and Fried Spiders?

The other day someone very respectfully asked (I'm paraphrasing) "What about Cambodia and Vietnam?" It's a really good question. My blog is titled Banku (Ghanaian), Pho (Vietnamese) and Fried Spiders (Cambodian)!

The simple answer is, the blog is about my daily life, and Ghana plays a huge role in my daily life at this season in my life. The fact that I talk about Ghana so much doesn't at all indicate a lesser love for Cambodia or Vietnam (although I think if I was an outsider reading this blog I would probably assume that to be the case). Twelve years ago ALL I talked about was Cambodia, because we were adopting from Cambodia and I was hoping to help other families adopting from Cambodia. 9-11 years ago ALL I talked about was Vietnam, because we were adopting from Vietnam, and then I assisted others to adopt from Vietnam. In 2003 the Lord shut the door to my adoption work in SE Asia and He hasn't yet decided to open that door again. Believe me, I PRAY that door will be opened again!

Cambodia closed 12 years ago and not a month goes by that I don't wonder when Cambodia's adoption procedures will finally be good enough for America to re-open the country. The Khmer people are so very incredible. I wish I wasn't such a new international traveler at the time we adopted Taevy. I wish we weren't having to be so "quiet" about our adoption travel--basically staying in the hotel most of the time. I wish we would have been brave enough to stay 3 weeks and get off the beaten path. As it was, we were in Cambodia for a week, and we thought that going to the big tourist market in the middle of town was BIG STUFF! The memories I have are so good. Cambodia is like a rainbow shining through a thunder cloud (to me). If ever given a chance at some point in my future I would love to in some way work for Cambodia's orphaned and vulnerable children in some formal way.

Vietnam closed to international adoption several years ago. Last I heard, it could open up again in the next few years. Of "our" 3 countries, we didn't choose Vietnam--Vietnam sort of chose us. We saw our son there, so we went there. Our travel time was a bit traumatic for me, so for different reasons that Cambodia, I wish I could go back and experience the country again. We were in Vietnam for over 3 weeks, but the 3 weeks were full of corruption and worry and a sick baby and missing my other baby that was in America waiting for me. I was a new adoption coordinator that was traveling for my own baby at the same time I was hosting other families. I was a total stress ball--not able to enjoy my own adoption trip because I was worried about their experiences. And the worst of it was that there WAS corruption going on (with the U.S. Embassy). It was sickening. I didn't know if I was going to come home with my baby, or live with him there, or....or....I didn't now. Because of all of these things I have a sour taste in my mouth for a country that I know is beautiful and amazing.

I'm droning on. Ghana is a huge part of my life. I have had the privilege to spend more than 8 months of my life in Ghana (I added it up!). I KNOW this country unlike any other (except my own). For this reason I think it's natural that I am going to write about it more. My work is with Ghana every day. And (excluding this most recent trip) my work pays for my ticket for me to go to Ghana. As much as I would like to go back and really get to know Cambodia and Vietnam, my work isn't providing me a way to get there! Maybe someday! =-)

Even though the blog is a representation of my life, it's a bit of a shadow puppet. My children know I value each of their countries. My children's countries are all represented in our home decor and in our books and resources. I speak to each of them about the beauty of where they come from, and my hope to return with them to their first home. I sometimes feel sad that Cambodia and Vietnam aren't more a part of my daily life. I wish it were different. And in a perfect world I would make a change and I would MAKE them more a part of my life. But I'm not perfect. I'm just a mom with too much to do and not enough time to do it. For now, there is imbalance and Ghana gets more attention. Ten years from now, who knows? My life might be filled daily with stories of Cambodia, or Suriname!

Love,

Anita

P.S. Thanks Carrie T. for asking!

Ghana Go After All!

Wow. Just, WOW. I've said it many times, but I am saying again that I work with the best group of adoptive families in the world. I really believe it. It is my job (and my honor) to serve them, but the last few days they've turned the tables and have served me instead. They are raising the money to pay for my ticket to Ghana!

It's not just my AAI families. There are others. There's a family in our LifeGroup (aka Sunday School) that felt they are to give. And then my cousin, who I'm not in very regular contact with, called me out of the blue and felt strongly that she was supposed to give to help me get to Ghana. As it turns out, she just sold my Nanny and Papa's house (both long since passed). There wasn't much money from that deal, but she feels that she is supposed to give some of it to help with the expenses of my trip. How COOL is it that the Lord reaches so far into the hearts of others to provide?!

Humbled doesn't begin to described how I feel. There's almost some sort of shame in there, but I know that shame shouldn't be involved. It's just MORE than humbled, whatever this feeling is. I don't deserve this. But then again, the point of a blessing is that you don't DESERVE it. You don't give a gift because someone has earned it.

What I can say is, thank you. To those who gave, to those who have pledged to give, and to those who prayed for God to make His path clear, thank you. A handful of people have told me, "I knew something like that was going to happen!" and I just shook my head because I never fathomed it. I knew in my heart that God intended for me to go to Ghana soon, but I didn't have a clue how He was going to work it out.

Now, the rest of the story! I went to bed Tuesday night and had my good cry. I had a super big pity party. In fact, when I woke the next morning I really didn't want to face the day. I decided to make myself sleep as long as possible so I didn't have to face the day. I slept until 1pm. I knew that when I got up I'd have to start figuring out how to get to Ghana, and I didn't know how to go about doing that.

While I was busy feeling sorry for myself all kinds of stuff was happening! I mope down, eat some lunchfast, and open the computer. First "verse of the day" was...

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6"

Okay God. I'm trusting. Next verse was...

"Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near. Don't grumble against each other, brothers, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door! Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy. James 5:7-11"

Okay Lord. Yep. Pretty clear message there. I will try to be patience. I will not grumpble. I will perservere and hope to be blessed. I will hope for your compassion and mercy.

THEN, I check my voice messages. There's a message from my office saying SW called and there's something about families buying my ticket. I need to call SW. About that time SW calls. About that time MV emails and says, "CALL SW!" So this is when I get the awesome and humbling news.

A good lesson for sure. I was being such a baby, feeling so sorry for myself. I sacrificed several hours I could have been working for others because I was not being patient. I was grumbling and pitiful! Yesterday, after I got the good news, I read the following on facebook:

"But we should praise God for disappointment because it drives us to our knees. Disappointment is like dream defibrillation. If we respond to it the right way, disappointment can actually restore our prayer rhythm and resurrect our dreams." (The Circle Maker, Mark Batterson)

Words to remember, for sure. I hope I've learned a lesson. I can already see a few other reasons that this was meant to happen this way. For now, it's time to pick up a kid from b-ball practice!

Love,

Anita

Not Ghana Go

Well, my upcoming trip to Ghana has been canceled. The plan was for me to escort a child home, which would pay for my ticket. It was a LOT for a family to delay their child's homecoming for a month so that I could go to Ghana. For that reason I sort of kept saying, "Are you sure?" After the tickets were purchased I eased up and really felt like I was truly going to Ghana. It felt real. But sometimes things that seem too good to be true, are.

For very good and very understandable reasons, the family has decided that they want to travel to pick up their son. The decision has been made. My ticket has been canceled. I have no anger at all towards the family. It makes total sense. They are doing what is right for their family. It is RIGHT for their family. How could I ever be angry about that?

No anger. But sadness? Yeah. A lot of that. Goodness, I just want to sob. Well, if truth be told I have been crying, just no sobbing yet. [I'll save sobbing for later tonight.] I was getting so excited. Plans were falling into place. Meetings being set up. Celebrations to attend. A chance to teach a group of orphans about what adoption is. Re-organization of sponsorship program. Adoption program development. All that sort of fun stuff. It was coming together.

Blech. I need to get there. A few years ago when the economy was different this wasn't an issue. My agency just paid for me to go a few times a year. But things are different now. There is no extra money to send me--at least not right now. If I want to go, I need to figure out a way to get there.

I was JUST telling one of my friends in Ghana that the Lord always sort of whispers when it's time for me to go to Ghana. It's like this itch that won't go away. When the family initially told me I would be going to Ghana in March, I had a hard time believing it. Now, everything points to me NOT going to Ghana anytime soon, but I have a hard time believing it. I just know there's got to be a way for me to get there in the next few months. I look forward to seeing how the Lord will provide.

Love,

Anita