"My People"

Tonight I was talking to Bright about me going to Ghana--trying to prepare him that I will be gone for a few weeks. I was telling him that I plan to go and visit his Ghana family, which prompted a little viewing session of the photos we have. Taevy happened to walk in while I had this photo up. She said, "Who is that?" Bright said, "It's my people Taevy!"

I love it. I love that he can now name all of his brothers in Ghana. I love that he can see a picture of hi Ghana grandparents and nonchalantly call them "grandma and grandpa Ghana." He knows where he comes from. He knows he can go back there someday. What an absolute GIFT for an international adoptee.

I wish all of my children had the gift of knowing where they come from. Samren knows a bit; Taevy knows nothing. We have nothing for her. It is exceedingly difficult on her. She has a hole where her history should be.

Take it from someone who has experienced it both ways; if you have an opportunity to have an open international adoption experience, take it. Take it. For your child's sake, take it. Even if they come from an abusive place it is THEIR place. It is THEIR people. Don't be selfish. You can handle one uncomfortable afternoon with their birth family for the sake of your child's future.

We Got a Letter from Ghana

We got a letter from Ghana today. It was so unexpected (although I don't know WHY it was unexpected). It was written by Bright's uncle.

Unfortunately, the letter included a laundry list of items that the family hopes Eric and I can provide for them. I really don't blame them. How could they NOT see us as a potential source of income? The live in very real poverty.

Medicine for Grandma and Grandpa. Farming supplies. Senior High School for a cousin that can go no further in his education without assistance. Socks.

Now we have to put it to prayer, and decide how to respond.

Anita

Visiting Bright's Family and Village

[Written Thursday, January 22, 1:30pm]

Yesterday I had the distinct privilege of seeing where my son comes from. Not just the orphanage he was at, but where he lived the first 11 months of his life. The place where he was born. The place where his mother died. The place where, despite his family's best efforts, he went 9.5 more months slowly starving to the point of death. When I walked in that place it almost brought me to my knees. The visions of Bright's life before he went to the orphanage, and before he joined our family, were very hard to "see." I could see his family mourning upon his mother's death. I could see his family's anguish as they tried to keep him alive. I could hear Bright's cries, going out into the bush and not being answered with what he needed (food).

I was able to meet Bright's family at the orphanage before I took him home almost 2 years ago. That in itself was much more than I could have ever hoped for. Over 10 family members came to meet me and see him off to his new life. But at that time I was so preoccupied with Bright's health (wasn't good) that I neglected to get any sort of contact information from the family. All I had was the village he supposedly lived in--and the hope that if I wanted to see his family again the orphanage could arrange it.

The last few years my relationship with the folks at his orphanage has gone downhill. They went down an ethical path that I vocally disagreed with. I delivered a few small gifts to Bright's brothers about a year ago, and had a very cool reception from the orphanage director. Since then it has become a heavier and heavier weight that I couldn't contact Bright's family myself.

I feel like it was a God thing yesterday that I was able to finally go to his village and get contact information. It couldn't be a priority for the day, because I am here in an official capacity. I can't just use AAI's resources however I would like. But because we ended up only a few minutes away, and because we had extra time after our official tasks, I was able to go.

First we went to the orphanage, where I immediately saw Bright's next oldest brother (Wise), and met with the director's daughter. Steven wasn't around until right before I left, so I only got one picture of him. The director's daughter told me they would send someone with us to show us where Bright's village was. Yea!

I was very sad to learn that the last photo album I had sent to the family actually caused a great argument between them. There was a conflict over who had a right to OWN the photos. His uncle (who provided financially what little he got and made the adoption plan) thought he should get them. The grandparents (who provided his daily care and probably sat up nights with him) thought they should get them. His father (who had issues I won't go into here and wasn't around) thought he should get them. In the end, after a great clash in the family, the photos went back to Bright's orphanage so that whomever wants to see them can go and see them but nobody gets to "own" them. It breaks my heart that this happened. I'm glad to know that next time I should send at least 3 sets of photos! It just goes to show how much they care about Bright, and how proud they are now that he is with a family in America.

We set off from the orphanage and took an immediate turn down a dirt path. It wound around until a village came into view. This was a typical African village. This is the type of village you don't usually see from the side of the main paved road. It was surreal. We drove to the back of the village until we were sitting in front of a small mud and thatch house, and I saw Bright's grandparents sitting outside. It was obvious immediately that they recognized me, but also that they were shocked to see me. Grandpa and Grandma sat in sarongs covering their bottom halves, and that was it.

Immediately all of Bright's family started gathering around and welcoming me. They took me to a small shelter (poles covered with palm leaves) so I could be in the shade. They went inside of a house and pulled out their best chair--a molded plastic lawn chair. When I began to sit on a wooden bench they all jumped up and insisted that I sit on the nicer chair. Humbling. Everybody put their best clothes on (Grandpa cracked me up with his suit coat) and we took pictures.

Through broken English and a bit of translation I told them about how Bright was doing, and apologized for not bringing any photos. Of course they wanted photos--but I didn't think I would have this opportunity so I didn't come prepared. I told them that Bright looked just like Wise and that he is still fat like his mommy. ;-) They like to hear that. We talked about the older boys, and what they want for them in the future.

I asked for contact information and there was a bit of a blank stare. Cell phones are rare in this village. And email was completely foreign. There is no mailing address. In the end I was given the number to an "uncle" and told I could reach the family through him. I also wrote down the name of the village (different than what is on Bright's adoption information--but that is likely because they registered him at a more proper village). The important thing is that now I know where they are. That family has probably been there for many generations, and will probably be there for many generations to come. It's just that kind of place. Fifty years from now I fully expect that I could walk into that village and ask for an Anagbo, and be taken directly to one of Bright's relatives. I love that we have that information for him. I love that Bright's history was not lost and that he has something real to return to, should he decide to visit or live in Ghana when he is older.

Because they could give me very little contact information, I did end up giving them my full contact information. I don't think this is always wise, and am not sure it was wise on my part. I think there is a good chance that I will now receive calls or letters asking for continued support for the family. After all, I made a point of telling them that I see them as my family now--that Bright has connected us. In Africa, family comes with obligations. We will take it one step at a time, and hope for the best. I don't want to be seen as Mrs. Moneybags that takes all of their troubles away, but in my heart I DO want to help where I can. At the same time, We have to be very careful with what we do (if requested) because I don't want any family in Ghana to think that by giving their child for adoption their family will then be supported by the adoptive family. So...some tough situations are likely to arise because I gave my full contact information.

In the end, I feel very blessed to have spent time with Bright's family, in his village. It is a rare privilege for we adoptive parents. Thank you Lord, for allowing it to happen.

Anita

The Anagbo Boys

Well, it seems that I will have an opportunity to see Bright's 3 older brothers (and possibly the rest of Bright's biological family) when I am in Ghana. I'm very excited about this. I was told a while back that at least 2 of his brothers were being adopted and I felt/feel quite desperate at the thought of them leaving Ghana and us not having any way to find the boys in the future.

I talked to the orphanage director today and confirmed that all three brothers are still there (and there was no mention of adoption). I so wish there was a way for me to transfer them into AAI's Children's home so that we could find them an adoptive family, but there are a mountain of obstacles in the way of that happening. Greed is such a sad, sad thing when it affects the future of innocent children.

BUT...I will focus on the good. For now we know where the boys are, and I will have an opportunity to beseech the orphanage director to PLEASE contact me if Bright's brothers are adopted so that we can keep the four boys in contact.

I'm praying that Wise, Steven, and Promise are as happy and healthy as can be achieved in an orphanage environment. They are so in my heart. I grieve for them.

Hopefully I'll get to see the rest of Bright's biological family as well (Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, etc.). I'm taking a few simple gifts for the boys, and letters and photos for the Anagbo family.

Anita

I miss his brothers...

Well it's official. I am missing Bright's brothers. Feels weird to "miss" children that you have no relationship with. Children that you have only met a few times and had very limited interaction with. But I do.

These boys (5, 8 and 10 by now) mean something to me, because I am raising their brother. I miss them. Or maybe it's that I hate that I'm "missing out" on them. I want to know them. I want to know that they are safe and loved. I want them to know that Bright is safe and loved. I want them to know that someone across the world really and truly does care about them.

Last I knew the two youngest boys were at an orphanage in Volta Region of Ghana. There was an agency doing adoptions with that orphanage but they aren't any longer. So are they stuck? How can I help them? I'm definitely going to visit them when I travel to Ghana early next year, but sometimes it seems so far away.

I have a friend who is going to stop in at the orphanage tomorrow to see how things might be going. I'm so blessed by my friend. I hope it's good news. I hope things are good. Then maybe--just maybe--when I visit in 08 I can try to see if the boys can be added to AAI's adoption program. I wish they could join our family, but I know it isn't going to happen. They need to stay together, and my oldest has to stay my oldest, and there is the whole kidney transplant thing, and the whole money thing. The list goes on.

God, please keep them safe...these sons of my heart. Keep them strong until help arrives. Let them know that they are loved. And please prepare a family for them.

Anita

Our decisions is made...

Hi all,

Well...Eric and I have made a joint decision about whether or not to adopt Bright's older brother Wise. We are going forward. It's sereal just seeing those words in print! When the Lord first put Wise (and the oldest brothers) on my heart so heavily last Sunday I didn't know what would come of it. I didn't know if we should adopt Wise. Or if I *wanted* to adopt Wise. Take my insecurities about the situation and multiply them ten-fold. This is how Eric felt! Neither one of us was saying no, but we weren't jumping up and down with a yes either.

But doors kept opening, and hearts began to change.

By late last week I felt like we were supposed to do this. This is different from our previous adoption quests because I have always been 1000% excited and ready to go before! But if we go forward to adopt Wise it means that my last "spot" in the family is gone. And honestly, I'm tired. Our schedule is crazy. We just brought home Bright a month ago. Nevertheless I couldn't ignore what I felt the Lord was calling us to do. My flesh isn't as excited as it has been before, but my spirit is jumping up and down! It's weird. I just can't explain it. Hmmm....

Eric said over the weekend that we would make the decision on Tuesday evening. He was also struggling with his flesh (literally and figuratively). He said that he knows this is something the Lord is calling us to do, but that it's still extremely difficult for him to say yes. He wants to feel good again (which means he needs a kidney transplant)..and he wants to get out of debt (having another child won't help that)...and he fears that he won't be the energetic attentive father he wants to be (which is rediculous if you've ever seen Eric with his kids--he's wonderful). Of course he also thinks about "what if I die soon and you're a single mom to 4 kids."

In the end, we have both said yes to going forward with the adoption of Wise. Wow!!! I have no idea how the Lord is going to work this out. Both Eric and I agree that we absolutely cannot go into more debt (and actually, probably couldn't even if we wanted to!). The Lord has blessed us with an inexpensive path to adopting Wise, but $6000 still isn't easy to come by in our family. We will be cashing out a small non-active 401K from one of Eric's previous jobs in order to get us going financially. I look forward to seeing how the Lord provides for the rest of the $4000-$5000!!!

Thanks to all of you who have shared your thoughts and experiences about "secondary adoption of a sibling." They really helped us to make this decision.

Anita

P.S. My friend here in OK is unable to go forward with the adoption of Bright's two oldest brothers. PLEASE let me know if the Lord has put it on your heart to adopt a 7-8 and 10-11 year old boy sib set with two brothers in Oklahoma!

Brothers

There haven't been any huge developments on the situation with Bright's brothers, but we are continuing to pray. I feel like we're probably supposed to do this, but Eric has asked for a few more days. We're supposed to have the big talk on Tuesday evening.

One thing I've done the past few days is talk with our children about the possibility of adopting Wise (Bright's 5 year old brother).

Taevy wanted to make sure that he wasn't older than her--once assured that he's not she felt better. ;-) We talked about the fact that my lap would need to be shared with another kiddo (which is hard for her). She didn't like that. But then we talked about the sacrifice that Jesus made for us even though it wasn't easy for him. What would Jesus want us to do? After going through more examples of "sacrifice" Taevy decided that we should definitely adopt Wise...that she could "sacrifice" some lap time.

Samren was all for adopting Wise from the get-go. He thinks it would be totally fun to have a brother about the same age as him. He was also very accepting of the practical side of things (sharing clothes and toys and adding a bed and chest of drawers to the bedroom). Eric and I know that it would be a bigger adjustment for Samren than HE thinks it would be, but that he would be okay.

Tonight I wanted pick Samren's brain a bit in order to find out *possibly* how Bright might feel about things at the same age. You see, Samren has a brother in Vietnam that is about 3 years older than him. We didn't know about him until we went to adopt Samren (sound familiar?), but also his brother was not available for adoption. We have a photo of Samren and his brother together. I asked Samren tonight what he would want us to do if his "tummy mommy" asked us to adopt his brother in Vietnam. He said he would want us to adopt him so that he could be safe.

I thought that would be the end of the conversation, but before I knew it Samren was tearing up! I asked him what was wrong, but he said he didn't know. I asked him if he was sad. "Yes." "Do you know why honey?" ....tears...."Oh sweety, what's wrong?" "I love my Vietnam brother and I can't ever see him. I miss him. If he was here he could pick me up and be my big brother." Oh my poor baby! I had no idea that the conversation would hit him so hard emotionally, but it really did. Samren (to this point) has showed very little emotion about his birth family so it was a very unexpected reaction.

If this doesn't go to show the bond of brothers (and siblings) I don't know what does. I think it speaks volumes about the loss that Bright might someday feel when/if he knows that he has three older brothers "somewhere out there."

I hope that Bright never has to feel what Samren felt tonight.

Anita

Wise Choice--Follow Up

Hi all,

Thanks to those of you who have shared your thoughts and experiences with me about this situation. It's interesting to know just how common this sort of situation is in international adoption. I want to respond to some comments, and also share "the rest of the story" with you all (I left some stuff out last night).

COMMENTS:

Anonymous said...
I honestly believe that it is VERY inmporant to these kids later on in life to have a sibling that looks like them..to have one that really truly DOES look like them and is biologically related will mean even more to them later on in life.... if you adopted Wise and someone adopted the other 2 brothers then they would each have someone...just food for thought!!

Anonymous. I'm with you on this one. We originally planned to adopt two children from Ghana, in large part because we also feel like it's important for a child of African descent to have another sibling in the family that is of the same descent (if possible). The program we went through was poorly functioning and we had no confidence that we would ever get Bright home, so once we got his referral we felt that we couldn't add our support to this other program by sending fees for another referral. The long term plan was/is to add another sibling of African descent through the family. Even with the poorly functioning program, had we known that Bright had a 4 year old sibling available for adoption we would of course accepted him and tried to adopt them both at the same time. We didn't know until our adoption was final and our relationship with the agency was destroyed.

InternationalMommy said...
Hi Anita~I am an adoptive mom from AOH, and we had already finalized the adoption of our almost 2 year old daughter when we found out she had an aunt in the orphanage. A couple days later we found out they were half sisters!! We had no idea how we would handle 4 kids, and we had NONE of the money, but we decided to go for it and God has provided everything!!

Charity, thank you for sharing your experience! It sounds very similar to what we're going through and it's good to hear your testimony of God's faithfullness to provide everything you needed to bring both girls into your family!

Bingaling said...
Anita,This is such a hard choice! You and I have talked about Bright's brothers in the past and I know that you have a heart to help them in any way that you can. Its hard to know what to do...Do you adopt Wise and start looking for a family for the older two boys? Do you keep the three of them together and find a family for all of them together? Do you try to find a way to sponsor them somehow?

Chanda, thanks for weighing in on this, even if you only brought more questions to the table! LOL! ;-) One thing I do know is that my focus will be on finding an adoptive family for all three of the boys (whether one of them is in our family and the other two are in another family, or whether all three of them go to one family). If we looked into it and found that the older two didn't want to be adopted, or the family thought they could provide for the older two, we would see about sponsoring them. I know that the family would like Wise (the youngest) to be placed for adoption because I saw the father try to relinquish Wise on the same day I met him. =-(

10:19 AM
Anonymous said...
Here's our family's take on our situation. We have two children who were adopted from Guatemala. A year after DD came home, we felt our family was complete. We received a phone call that her first mom had delivered another baby and we were asked if we were interested in adopting him. ....Your family does not know for sure that the children would be adopted by another family and that makes it very difficult to make the choices you have in front of you. ...My DH had a kidney transplant almost 10 years ago and is going strong, we will continue to pray for your DH's health.

Thanks Ronda. First, it's great to know your hubby is doing so well after the transplant! We love hearing things like that around here! LOL! You're right (about Bright's brothers). They aren't in an orphanage. They aren't in an adoption program. They are living hand to mouth with no education, not enough food, and not enough love. I don't know for sure if we're supposed to adopt Wise, but I do feel confident that if I don't help them find a family, they will grow up with little hope of a bright future in Ghana (if they live to adulthood).

THE REST OF THE STORY...

The part I didn't share last night--because I didn't want to bias people's view on the situation--is that there are things happening that would make our adoption of Wise particularly easy for an international adoption.

First--My friend in Ghana (who runs a small orphanage) is willing to help us do an independant adoption for Wise at very low cost to us.

Second--The CIS has announced that people who have I-171h approval can now renew their approval FOR FREE!!!! Our approval runs out in November. Most of you know that the fees are going up at the end of July, so this would be a savings of almost $1000 on CIS fees alone.

Third--You know how people say "God wil provide if it's supposed to happen" and then tell testimonies of unexpected money just showing up in the mailbox? Guess what was delivered to us today? Yup. A completely unexpected check (dividend from insurance). Hmm...

Fourth--A friend of mine who lives here in Oklahoma is currently praying about whether her family could adopt Bright's oldest two brothers. This would mean that all four boys would live within an hour from each other. Our two families already have a "link" because our son Samren and her daughter Naomi were orphanage mates in Vietnam and adopted on the same day!

All told, the adoption would cost us $5000-$6000 (for everything--even travel). Unheard of in these days of high adoption costs.

I'll keep everybody posted on the latest developments!
Anita

Wise Choice

I've been going back and forth on whether or not to post about this situation here, but I really need to write tonight and this is my place to write. My mom tells me I should just get a journal to keep the private stuff off of the internet. Wise words--but for some reason I feel no need to keep most things in my life private. Why? I am who I am. Our family is what it is.

I'd like to ask for prayer for a big decision that needs to be made. I've always had a special place in my heart for Bright's 3 older brothers--since I learned in March that their family would like for them to be adopted as well. But there was really nothing I could do to help them. I didn't have the right friends/contacts in Ghana. And honestly I was obsessed with getting our own already adopted son home. So when they pop into my heart I say a quick prayer and try to shove the thought of them way "back there" again quickly enough not to let guilt set in.

Bright's 3 older brothers are 5is, 7ish, and 10ish. The local orphanage where they live will not take them because their home is close enough that the boys run away from the orphanage. This was a problem before...but not now. Now I have a friend who would be willing to take the boys in if an adoptive family were found.

The ironic thing is that if Eric and I would have known Bright had a (then) 4 year old brother who was in need of adoption we would have adopted both him and Bright together to start with. We were approved for 2 children 5 and under and hoped for biological siblings! But we didn't know. Our eldest (Taevy) needs to remain the eldest so it isn't possible for us to adopt the two eldest brothers.

The other night I was working through all of the old messages in my inbox and came across a bunch of photos that a volunteer sent to me of Bright's brothers. They were from last summer, when they came to the orphanage for school during the day. Just the 5 and 7 year old. When I opened those pictures it hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't tuck the emotions way back inside of myself and look the other direction. Bright's brothers have such a strong resemblance to him. His youngest brother's head...and eyes...and nose...and lips...and even facial expressions are seen in my house every day through his baby brother Bright! My heart broke, and I knew I had to do something.

So our family is faced with a difficult decision. Do we adopt Bright's 5 year old brother even though there are lots of (earthly) reasons not to? Major medical issues going on in our family...major financial issues going on with our family. And the fact that Bright has only been home a month. What is our responsibility in this? What is our responsibility to Bright? And to his brothers? Now I am in a position to be able to work with people in Ghana towards the boys' adoption. I cannot turn my back on them.

I have put this decision in Eric's hands. I know it's from God if HE decides we should adopt Bright's brother, because Eric has said he really doesn't think he wants anymore kids! He is praying about this though...this is a little different. This is Bright's brother. This is sweet little Wise.

Please pray that if we are not able to adopt Wise that I will be able to find a family who can adopt all three boys and who lives close enough that all four brothers can maintain a relationship throughout life. Please pray that if we do adopt Wise the Lord would sling doors open for us to bring him home and will make it perfectly evident that this was His plan.

And this is a post that I'd really like to hear your thoughts on. Leave me a comment--or a paragraph--or a page...if you like!

Thanks,

Anita