I Can Love

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I can and cannot do, specifically as to how it relates to orphans, humanitarian work, changing the world, etc.. No doubt, the Lord has put this passion in my heart, but how am I to use it? Some people can work politics and government in order to do adoption work here in Ghana. Others take money they make working on adoption and use it to build grand homes and schools. Some Americans save up their money to do mission trips, spread the gospel, and do wonderful and worthy activities with children. Some can use their money to do wonderful and long-lasting humanitarian work.

As for me? I can love orphaned and vulnerable children. Yes, from afar, but I'm speaking of when I'm here (or anywhere). I have arms to hug, and lips to kiss on the cheek or forehead. I have an ample chest to cuddle into, and a fluffy lap to sit on. I don't care if a child is dirty or stinky or covered in fungus. I'm not saying that to brag. Maybe that's stupid. I just don't. God made me to love these children. I'm not fit enough to run with them. I'm maybe not young enough anymore to do some other things. But I can love.

Sometimes people wonder what they will DO when they come to spend time with children in Ghana. You don't have to DO anything. Just be available to these children. And not only in the orphanages. There are children all over Ghana that are hungry for the type of cuddly affection that we Americans give. It's sort of odd because I think it's a very huggy culture. Adults are always very friendly and quick to give me a hug hello. At the same time, I'm not sure whether or not it's super common for the adults to really sit and cuddle with kids over about age 5. [Babies are VERY coddled and cuddled, no question.] What I know for sure is that children I meet here—orphaned or not—are hungry for the love I have to give.

Tonight we hung out a bit in front of Kwahu Foster Home. It's a unique place in that it's in the middle of the village and when white people show up MANY kids (and some adults) also show up quickly. Before I knew it a boy of about 9 or 10 years named Williams had attached himself to me. He isn't a child who lives in the home. Not an “orphan.” But here is this big boy—bigger than most boys in America who would publicly cuddle their moms—openly competing for my affections among the other children. At every turn Williams would be there, holding my hand, or with his hand on my shoulder, or just quietly standing at my side.

Before long we started piling into vehicles to go to a restaurant for dinner. Another family that is here was hosting a celebration for all the kids at the foster home—16 kids. My group happened to be the first group to leave for the restaurant. When the first van of kids showed up guess who popped out? Williams. =-) Turns out, several of the neighborhood kids (and even some moms from the neighborhood) decided to just hop in the vans for a free meal! I just reviewed my photos from the day and Williams is in a good percentage of them—this child who is not an orphan and who supposedly has no real “need.” Obviously, he does have a real need.

I guess my point is, just be open to be used wherever the Lord will use you. I have no great skill. I am not very fit, or very young, or very thin. I mostly just sit on a chair when I am here and wait for the children to come to me. But they do, come to me. I can love. And the Lord can use even that very small skill to make a very big difference in the life of a child.

running day, 3-19-12

well, here in ghana 'running' means you are having intestinal issues, so i probably shouldn't title it that!

we headed out at around 8;45 with the intention to visit children who are in private foster homes in and around Accra [yes, my A will capitalize today!] and also to visit Beacon house. [hey, a B just capitalized as well!] it sounds like such an easy day, and it was. there was nothing hard about the day. it's just that thing again where everything takes longer than it would at home. no biggie.

we went to visit one 12 year old boy with the most amazing story. i've 'known' his story for many months now but i've never gotten to meet him in person before. he was in school, so we went to his school and pulled him out of class for a few moments just to say hello and to take a few photos for his future family.

he seemed to speak fantastic english. i asked him how things were at his foster home. his response was so touching. he said, 'perfect.' he told me about what he was learning in school. he answered all of my questions very well. i told him that very soon his family in america would send him photos and a letter and such, which he seemed to understand. i gave him a hug and we were on our way.

later in the day we got a call from the foster mother (who wasn't around when we went to visit). the boy came home from school all excited because 'my american mommy came to visit me today!' oh, break my heart! he thought i was his mommy! that poor child. if i was his mommy i guarantee i wouldn't have just taken a few pictures, given him a hug, and left him! if you only knew how handsome and bright this young man is! i hope he wasn't too disappointed to learn i wasn't 'her.' i hope that foster mom was able to explain that his real mom will come soon enough.

it just goes to show how much these children look forward to a mom and dad that will truly love them and care for them for all time. orphans no more. this particular child is in a very fine ghanaian home and school. he's living in a home that is 99% richer than the other homes here. still, that's not what matters to him. he wants his family. soon. soon.

tomorrow will be a hot and tiring but most of all f-u-n day! it is shopping day! i've been waiting for this day since i first arrived! i've got some shopping to do for aai and also some personal shopping to do. also, the B family that is here with me will be doing their shopping tomorrow. honestly, i love playing tour guide and taking people around. we'll go to the art and culture centre, then on to frankie's for lunch (and for me ice cream will be on the agenda), then it's shopping up and down oxford street, wrapping it up at global mamas. if we're lucky we'll head back towards teshie before the afternoon traffic picks up.

hard to believe but my trip is already winding down. wednesday i head up to mpraeso for 3 days, returning last friday afternoon. then, saturday is the day for final goodbyes and heading to the airport. time always flies here.

Offense

Proverbs 17:9 was one of my daily verses today. Right to the heart! I so struggle with taking offense to things. I really wear my feelings on my shoulder. I tend to give my trust easily, but then when someone lets me down, I feel very betrayed and may never fully trust that person again. I may say the right words to the person who offends me--"No big deal. It's over. We're fine." but it's my heart that the Lord sees. So! Words for my meditation today:

He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. Proverbs 17:9

I need to focus not only on "covering over" an offense, but also learning not to vent that offense to sombody else. THAT is probably the bigger problem for me. I so need for someone to validate my offense! I need to hear somebody say, "What a crappy thing for X to say/do! I would be ticked off too!" Once I know that I'm not crazy to be offended, then I can relax and let it go. Well, just one more thing to add to my to do list! =-)

Anita

Imaginary Jesus

Every day I get a list of free or almost free Kindle books. Sometimes the whole list is a suck-fest, and other times you find a decent (or even good) book in the list. A few weeks ago "Imaginary Jesus" was in the list. The reviews looked pretty good, and it seemed like a really funny premis. It was free. What's to lose?

I just finished the book today and I really liked it. First of all, there aren't many times that a book can make me literally laugh out loud. I hee-hawed several times in this book. I'm sure that I missed several of the jokes, but I was able to get enough of them to have a very good time! The main character wants to find REAL Jesus. He realizes (through the Apostle Paul and a talking donkey) that he (and the world) has created lots of fake Jesuses, as a way to make him predictable.

This is fiction in the most real way...and in the most fictional way...at the same time. It's sort of like an irreverent Donte's Inferno. I think that non-Christians could read the book and enjoy it. I think that most Christians could read the book and enjoy it. The exceptions would be LDS folks and folks with very "reverent" Christian traditions. He pokes fun at almost all denominations, but devotes two chapters and one stinging comment to LDS folks. Really reverent/traditional Christians won't be able to stomach how he makes light of various Christian traditions.

I thought the whole thing was a barrel of laughs, until the end when I thought he had a lot of meaningful things to say, and painted a good portrait of "Real Jesus." In order to find Real Jesus he had to meet a whole lot of other Jesuses. There's Legalistic Jesus, Free Will Jesus, Angry Jesus, and Hippy Jesus. There's my personal favorite, Magic 8 Ball Jesus (who can only answer with 10 positive, 5 neutral, and 5 negative phrases), and Baptist Jesus (who lugs a huge bathtub around behind him). Throw in "Pete" (the Apostle Paul) and Daisy (a talking 1st century donkey), and you can see what a rousing good time is ahead of you!

Here are a few (I think) funny quotes from the book:

[Matt, the main character describes the 1st century.] "The first century smelled like what Christians call a 'men's retreat.' This is when men leave their wives and children for several days, go to the mountains, and yell at each other, 'Stop neglecting your wife and children!' The unique stench of a men's retreat comes from the close company of men at high altitude eating only beans, steak, and onions, combined with a lack of bathing and shaving. The entire first-century culture revolved around the men's retreate concept."

[Matt has been sent to look for Daisy and finds her to be a talking donkey.] "I assumed that Daisy would be a, uh, person." The donkey snorted. "Well, you know what assuming does."

Here are a few more serious quotes:

"The Bible is meant to be interacted with, not cut up on a table."

"When exactly is Jesus supposed to have a conversation with you?" "If he talked, I would listen" Daisy shook her head. "No, Matt. He is talking. You're not listening. You're trying to avoid him by filling up your every moment. You need to clear some of the static."

"Societal transformation can only come through personal revolution. Which only comes from the Holy Spirit. End of story."

If you have a Kindle, the book is still FREE for download. The author just released his second book, "Night of the Living Dead Christian." The first chapter for that book was at the end of the Kindle version. Eh. It didn't grab me in the same way, but that may be it's Halloween time and I really get sick of all that "stuff" this time of year!

From Passion to Action

What was so special about Nehemiah? When he heard about a great injustice in his world (the walls of Jerusalem crumbing), he ALLOWED himself to be broken. He didn't keep his own internal walls up. He didn't think, "Well, I'm too far away. I can't do anything about it."

The Bible says that first, he SAT DOWN TO CRY (Nehemiah 1:4). Oh, how this news hurt him. He allowed himself to feel that hurt.

What burdens your heart? Is there one specific thing that weighs on you more than all of the other injustices or wrongs in this world? Maybe it is the unborn. Maybe it is hungry children. Maybe it is helping your own children to heal past previous trauma they've experienced. I bet, if you really open up your heart, you will feel broken and/or passionate about at least one thing.

After Nehemiah allowed himself to cry...to become sensitive to the injustice he saw, he KNELT DOWN TO PRAY (Nehemiah 1:4).

To pray is to become active, to seek guidance from all-knowing Father about what He would have you to do next. He may break the hearts of many over the homeless, but give each one a different way to make a difference in that area. He may call me to adopt an orphaned child; He may call you to start an orphanage. After you identify the area of injustice He would call you to, PRAY for confirmation and direction.

The Bible tells us that next, Nehemiah STOOD UP TO HELP. (Nehemiah 2:3-5).

He cried (became broken for a specific cause). He prayed (to confirm that the LORD was calling him to the cause, and to seek guidance). Then, he stood up to act! I think this is where lots of us get scared. I can feel genuinely burdened about lots of things. I can pray FOR those things to get better, but sometimes I don't ask the Lord what He would have me do to make a change. And certainly, there are many times that I never make it to the level of actually standing up to do something.

I think the thing to remember is that the Lord knows who we are. [He knows that I am naturally shy; that I am a picky-eater; that I don't want to go to the grocery store by myself (let alone across the world).] We just need to TRUST Him to know what He is calling us to. If we (1) allow ourselves to be broken, (2) seek his direction, and (3) are willing to step into action, He can do great works through us.

What would you allow Him to do through you?

Love,

Anita

You can be a world-changer!

For the past four weeks at our church we have been doing a series on Nehemiah. Don't particularly remember Nehemiah? No problem. I didn't either.

Nehemiah was an ordinary guy--the cup-bearer for a king. He was nobody particularly "special" to the world, except that he was. As he served the king he heard that the walls in Jerusalem were in disrepair. They had crumbled. They no longer served their purpose. This greatly disturbed Nehemiah. He asked the king to be relieved of his duties so that he could travel over 1000 miles (in 400 b.c.!) to begin the work of rebuilding the walls. What he did, nobody really thought he could do. But he was called to do it. Through discouragement, threats, and other difficulties he (and the people of Jerusalem) rebuilt the walls in 52 days. He changed his world, in 52 days.

The point of the series at church was to encourage us to think about what God would have each of us to do to change the world. Sounds scary doesn't it? Sounds unobtainable, doesn't it?

This series really spoke to me, and I want to write my thoughts about it on this blog. Count this as the introduction.

What breaks your heart? What injustice in the world gets you so riled up that you feel truly emotional about it? Are you willing to step out of your comfort zone to make a difference in the world? If you are willing to be broken, God is ready to lift you up and make you a world-changer!

Love,

Anita

Praises, praises, praises...

It may have something to do with the caffeinated Diet Coke I drank tonight (when I don't usually drink caffeine). It may be the over-abundance of good adoption news lately. Whatever it is, I feel like I will burst if I don't get some PRAISES out into the blogasphere!

1. Visas. Visas! Visas!!! There is absolutely no high higher than when a family is granted their child's visa. Actually, any good news related to visas is an absolute high. One of our families was granted their child's visa recently. They waited a long time for the referral and they waited a long time from court to visa issuance. I couldn't be more happy for them. Another two families got the BEST surprise when they were given visa appointments much more quickly than we anticipated. 1 or 2 weeks away is so much better than having to wait 1 or 2 months for the appointment!

2. Court! After a long dry summer, the past month has proven to be full of LIFE in Ghana adoptions. I can't tell you how thankful I am to know that SIX of the families I work with have passed court in the last month (and another handful on their way)! Just to know that six families have been created...wow.

3. Refund! We feel incredibly blessed to say that we received our IRS adoption tax credit over the weekend. We filed our taxes in February and we've been going through the verification process almost all adoptive families have been forced to go through in order to get their refund. Honestly, I am a crappy record-keeper. I had very few receipts from our travel. Thankfully, AAI sent our paid invoices for adoption expenses. I really didn't know if everything would match up and knew we didn't have any more "proof" to send. We were already lucky, because the refund wasn't being counted on to pay off an adoption or other important things. We would get it, or not. We got it. Since we weren't set on getting it, it was an extra special surprise!

4. Debt (or lack thereof). Since we got married, we have been in debt. Most of the debt was adoption-related (thanks to loans from a relative). Some of it was stupid credit card debt from when we were young and didn't know better. Some of it was essential credit card debt that went to pay for hospital/medical bills when Samren was so sick. For the past 5 years we have really been trying to pay our debt off. Earlier this year we paid off the family loan ($30K)! Whew--talk about a monkey off your back! We have been chipping away at the revolving debt and are now down to $4500. Between the tax credit and what we've been able to save, it looks like that debt will be paid off within the next few months. It also looks like within the next 6 or so months we will be able to pay off our car. Woo hoo! We will still have student loan debt, and a home-improvement loan to pay off (from the house we lived in 6 years ago!), but we are making progress.

5. School. While there have been some issues surrounding the program we chose for Taevy and Samren, over all, we've had such a great start to our school year! The little ones (and the rest of us) absolutely ADORE Calvert so far. They littles are basically both doing both years (pre-k and K), with modifications as necessary. It may just be that Kendi will get to jump ahead to 1st grade next year, or it may be that Bright needs an extra year to master Kinder concepts. The big ones are working diligently on their more basic curriculum in hopes that next year they will be totally caught up by end of year. All of us adore our little classroom. The best part of the day is our corny opening procedures! The Pledge...calender and weather..."daily news"...journal writing. It's great.

6. My husband's job. In an economy where so many have no job at all, my husband has a steady position that provides well for his family. He works very hard for us. Our goal has been that Eric would someday be able to provide fully for our family without my needing to make an income. That was impossible in the past, because of our debt. As we pay our debt, it's becoming more possible. It will be a wonderful day when we know I am working because I choose to, rather than because I must.

Recently he was asked to interview for another position, and was offered that position. While it's not the right fit, the experience as served to encourage him--to feel respected and appreciated for his talents. It also served to help him feel more appreciative of the job he does have. Isn't that awesome?!

7. Our home. Over the weekend we went to an open house...just because. We ended up in what would seem like the perfect house for us (of course!). An established older neighborhood with beautiful big trees for me. A house that had been taken down to the studs to the point that it was basically like new construction, for Eric. 3200 square feet with 4 bedrooms and a huge 2nd living space (aka classroom!) upstairs, for all of us. The perfect kitchen. Huge closets. A big deep bathtub. All at the amazingly low price of about 3 times the cost of our current house! We asked ourselves, "Did it feel twice as big as our house?" No. "Did it seem like it should be 3 times the price?" No. "Do we NEED all of those extra dream things?" No. "Would adding that huge debt feel good?" No.

By the end of the afternoon Eric and I were talking about all of the good things about our home. It's big enough (1800 sf). It has all the sleeping space we NEED. We have a ton of neighborhood support (should something ever happen to Eric). The mortgage is very comfortable, and would be easily paid off (if something ever happened to Eric). We have great access to the highway. Things could change, but instead of trying to figure out how we could sell our house and afford the "dream house," we ended up making a list of things we can do in this house to make it even more our home. For the past 6 years it feels like we've been living here without really knowing if this would be the forever house, or an interim house. We haven't painted. We haven't improved. We haven't even maintained it well, to be honest. We're ready to change that. We've already started with our recent classroom remodel and bedroom painting. With part of our tax refund we are going add some other things, and make this house even more of OUR home.

8. My job. I am a job-changer. I taught in public school for two years, then resigned to stay home with my kids. I worked in adoption for a few years, then resigned to be full time mommy again. I taught private early childhood music classes for a few years, and then resigned again. I have a constant struggle between mommyhood and career. For the first time in my life, I feel somewhat settled. My job is really emotionally draining some days (weeks), but for 4.5 years, the good has outweighed the bad. I have been able to keep my family as my #1 priority (which didn't happen the last time I worked in adoption). Nothing has been sacrificed. Well, I guess there are days here and there were the kids take a backseat, but not as a whole. I truly enjoy the families I get to work with. I don't know what it is. Is it that Ghana draws a certain type of family? Is it that AAI draws a certain time of family? There is *something* different.

Here are some character examples of the people I get to work with daily:

*Family organizes and hosts largest Ghana Adoptive Family gathering in the U.S., before they even have a referral.

*Families (plural!) VOLUNTEER to pay monthly foster care fees for their children, even though it is not required of them--just because they know funds are tight. What? Really?!

*Family hears of a mom in Ghana that needs career training. Plops down $500 IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR OWN ADOPTION EXPENSES to help the mom.

*Families write to ME to see how I am doing when there is bad news coming out of Ghana, when they are the ones who are in the middle of the process!

*Families write to express appreciation and thanks for the agency when fees go up!

*Family runs huge adoption auction for another adoptive family--raises $16k for the family!

I could go on and on and on, but you get the idea. How could I not feel privileged to do this work? And this is only the U.S. side. I won't even go into the amazingess of the folks I get to work with in Ghana.

Praises and blessings. Praises and blessings.

I don't want to put it out there like our life is all sunshine and roses. It's not. You all know about the challenges as well (since I write of them often)! There are times when this life feels completely overwhelming in the worst possible way. And there are times (like today) where I feel completely overwhelmed in the best possible way. I suppose that the bitter makes the sweet taste all the better.

Love,

Anita

P.S. The next time I'm on the low side, someone please remind me to go back and read this post again!

It's too hard? Maybe I don't want it badly enough!

I recently read an "Above Rubies" facebook post that really hit home with me. Keep up the good work ladies!

*****

"I don't have time", "It won't work" or "It's just too hard", often translates to me as "I don't want it badly enough", "It's not important enough to me", "I am not motivated enough to bother" or "I am too afraid to step out of my comfort zone". No excuses! Be radical! Be the life-giving energy and excitement in your home! Be so full of life that you are a magnet that everyone can't help but want to be around! What an awesome witness that is!

*****

Love,
Anita

Keep up the good fight!

This verse came the other day as one of my "daily verse" emails. I don't remember exactly what ethical dilemma I was dealing with at the time, but it was one thing or another! ;-) Sometimes it is hard, in the heat of the moment, to do what is right--especially when it would feel so GOOD in the immediate. I think of some words my pastor spoke. "We must not sacrifice the ETERNAL for the IMMEDIATE!"

To my friends who stand up for ethical adoptions and stand against corruption, keep up the good fight!

He who walks righteously and speaks what is right, who rejects gain from extortion and keeps his hand from accepting bribes, who stops his ears against plots of murder and shuts his eyes against contemplating evil - this is the man who will dwell on the heights, whose refuge will be the mountain fortress. His bread will be supplied, and water will not fail him. Isaiah 33:15-16

Love,

Anita

CONCILIATE!

I read this the other day and quickly sent it to my blog "drafts" folder so that I could write on it later. Unfortunately, my brain betrayed me and now I can't for the life of me remember where I read this! If anybody knows who to give credit to, please let me know!

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"What do you do when someone slanders you or says nasty things behind your back? Paul encourages us to CONCILIATE! (1 Cor 4:12-13). What a wonderful word. It means to "win over, gain favor by friendly acts, reconcile or bring to state of friendship." That's a challenge, isn't it?You will not be popular as you stand against the tide of compromise and humanism. Stand for the truth, expect reviling and disdain, but react with love and CONCILIATION!"

***********************************************

Conviction! Oh, how convicted I felt when I read this! I think that one of my biggest flaws is my reaction to others who talk behind my back. I feel such disgust and such anger. And of course, at the root of it, is how hurt I feel. The last thing I want to do is reach out in friendship to the person who just slandered me or talked behind my back! What?! That's so contrary to human nature, isn't it? I have been praying on this lately, and am resolved to try to do better in this area of my life. Because I've chosen to be so open with my life, I often set myself up for others to talk negatively about me behind my back, but then I don't take it well when it happens! Oh Lord help me. This is going to be tough!

The other part of the quote seems almost unrelated to the top (to me) but it still speaks to me. I don't think I am at all alone in my convictions about ethics in international adoptions, but I do sometimes feel like I have to speak up when nobody else has. Families in process sometimes feel as though they cannot speak up, for fear of affecting their adoption. I can--my family is complete--therefore I feel the need to do so. That doesn't mean it's fun. Sometimes I just sit and cry when I'm putting "controversial" stuff up on the blog. I know it's going to bring me flack. I know some folks will be angry with me for making waves. It sucks. But my conviction is stronger than my desire to stay "safe" in my nice little corner of the world.

So I suppose it is a circle then, isn't it? Stand up for your convictions. Realize that people may slander you or talk behind your back. Then, respond in acts of conciliation. Tough recipe--but one that I think would ultimately give the most peace inside my heart.

Love,

Anita

That I May Know Him

Shonni over at "Nations Around Our Table" was inspired to write this the other night. Seriously inspired--woke up at 3am with the words on her heart. I am so thankful that she got out of bed in obedience and wrote these words down, as they spoke so deeply into my heart yesterday. I am sure I will come back to this writing many more times in my life. So much truth in these words....

I SEE my sin and weaknesses,

but I KNOW that He is faithful to forgive my sins - I John 1:9.

I SEE pain and hurt in the ones I love,

but I KNOW that He sees us, has compassion on us, and heals us - Matthew 14:14.

I FEEL fear,

but I KNOW that He encourages me to not be afraid, for the battle is not mine, but His - 2 Chronicles 20:15.

I FEEL so far from the LORD some times,

but I KNOW that by the blood of Christ I am brought near to Him - Ephesians 2:13

I SEE our problems,

but I KNOW that the peace of God will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus as we take our anxieties to Him in prayer and thanksgiving - Philippians 4:6-7.

I SEE evil,

but I KNOW that God is good and His steadfast love endures forever, so I give thanks - 1 Chronicles 16:34.

I SEE disasters that take away,

but I KNOW that as we call upon Him in our day of trouble, He will deliver us and we shall glorify Him - Psalm 50:15.

I FEEL the weight of burdens,

but I KNOW that I can cast my burdens on the LORD and He will sustain me - Psalm 55:22.

I FEEL defeated many times,

But I KNOW, thanks be to God, that He gives me the victory through my Lord Jesus Christ - I Corinthians 15:57.

I SEE death,

but I KNOW that we who believe will pass from death to life - Eternal Life - John 5:24.

Philippians 3:10 starts with this “That I may Know Him...”

I believe that the things that we are feeling and seeing today can lead to two paths;

-hopelessness

-or the chance to KNOW the LORD more.

What ever you might be seeing or feeling today, look at it as a God ordained opportunity to KNOW Him more.

Daily Wisdom NIV : Ephesians 4:25

A few verses are automatically delivered to my inbox each day. I find it an encouraging way to start my work day, to read these emails first. This verse was meaningful for me today.

-------- Original Message --------

\ / DAILY WISDOM from HEARTLIGHT -- http://www.heartlight.org/ --\/------------------------------------------------------------------ Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. Ephesians 4:25, New International Version http://www.SearchGodsWord.org/desk/?query=Ephesians+4:25 ===============

Bright Spot (pun intended)

It's been a pretty stinky day here--starting at 5am with diabetic convulsions. More on that later.

The bright spot is that Bright's doctor called and his ultrasound came back normal! No mass! No cyst! No tumor! And I'm telling you, I felt it with my own hands. We did an x-ray to confirm it wasn't a foreign body (like a marble), and the doctor could feel that his intestines weren't overly full. We (obviously) prayed over Bright that night. The next day, we couldn't find it anymore, and I had a very peaceful feeling about the ultrasound.

Our God, is an awesome God. We have received many true miraculous healings in our family (everything from warts to deadly GI disease)--none of them which we deserved. His Mercy is fresh and new daily.

Love,

Anita

A long time ago, in a life far away....

Family photo in October 2003

Several years ago when I was a music teacher rather than an adoption coordinator, I taught Kingermusik. After I stopped teaching in the public schools it was a natural fit, as I had 2 young children and needed to make a bit of extra money. Those were such fun days, even though I totally stressed about teaching the classes every week. I am good to go with a group of kids but parents? Parents are scary! I digress....

A few minutes ago I heard from a Kindermusik teacher in our area. She is making a video that is going to be used to teach other Kindermusick teachers. She asked if she could use a song that I made up to go with one of the books used in the class. [If you are a KM alumni, it's the "Go Van Go" book.]

First, it makes me so happy that someone in this world heard a song I created and remembered it, and is still using it to teach her students! What an honor! Second, how crazy is it to think that possibly other Kindermusik teachers around the nation might use the song with the book as well? Crazy, but in a totally feel good way! [Did you know that Happy Birthday was a simple song a Kindergarten teacher made up for her students?]

There is a part of me that misses teaching early childhood music. [I also taught Music Together.] I was trained to teach K-12 instrumental music, but my passion was always for the little ones. Thankfully I still get to go into teacher mode whenever I'd like with my four beautiful children. Maybe one day I will take the teacher in me outside of the home once again, but for now my four leave me completely satisfied!

Where's the Line to See Jesus?

Ruined Our Life

"Adoption has completely ruined our life...but in a good way!"

That is definitely my quote of the week!

Love and Forgiveness

I get 3 "Daily Verses" in my inbox each day. Here they were for today:

"The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love." Psalms 103:8

"Live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble." 1 Peter 3:8

"But now you must rid yourselves as all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Ere, there is no Greek nor Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, Barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all." Colossians 3:8-11

Thanks for the comments on the "Slander" post. I really wasn't looking for people to build me up with kind words (but of course that feels good). I really did want to bring up the issue for parents to think about. Our words have power. False words have great power to tear down something good--something that really helps kids who have no other alternative except international adoption. If you've had negative experiences, I support you FULLY to share about those negative experiences. Shout it from the rooftop. Just please, speak truth.

My verses for today are exactly my focus right now. My Christ teaches love, not hate; truth, not deception; forgiveness, not malice. Forgiveness doesn't come easily to me. I know some people can take a deep breath and then forgive someone. For me, if it's something "big", it's an ongoing process. It starts by letting go of anger and hurt. I'm telling you, ONLY through the example of my Lord am I able to do that. I am not naturally good at doing that. After letting go of anger and hurt comes forgiveness.

I looked up the definition of forgiveness and this definition seemed particularly good.

"Forgiveness is the conclusion of resentment. It is ceasing to demand punishment or restitution for a wrong."

Wow. Tough. Stop resenting a person who hurt you. Stop hoping they will in some way be punished for their deed. I don't know about you, but when someone does something to hurt me or my family, that's a tough thing!!

Again, only through Christ can I see this ever happening. How much more has humanity hurt God than someone here on earth could hurt another?! And yet, He forgave us. He not only forgave us, but offered us the gift of salvation. Humbling.

I will never come close to meeting the example that Christ has laid in front of me. But I can take baby steps so that forgiveness comes. With enough thought on "things above" rather than earthly squabbles, people can move on from that place of anger and resentment to a place of love and forgiveness.

I think of that old saying, "Let go. Let God." That's pretty much my focus right now. Moving on. There are so many wonderful things to put my focus on. I refuse to let resentment poison my thoughts any longer.

Thanks for letting me process "out loud."

He's My Son

On January 27th, 2002, Eric and I decided to pursue the adoption of Nguyen Duc Tuan, then waiting in Hung Yen, Vietnam. We weren't looking for our son. We didn't plan for him to be from Vietnam. But he was our son. This photo was taken in February 2002, when Samren was about 4 months old. He was 13.5 pounds.

Our adoption of Samren went faster than any international adoption I've ever heard of before or since. He legally became our son two months later, on March 27th, 2002. We didn't know why we were so blessed with a quick adoption, but the Lord had his reasons. He was home by April 12, 2002--the day this picture was taken. 12 pounds.
From the time we took Samren into our arms, he couldn't eat well. He didn't have a good suck. We tried every bottle under the son. He also threw up--dozens of times a day. By the time we got him home he was down to 12 pounds. By the time this picture was taken in June, Samren was about the same weight, except 12 pounds at 7 months old isn't so great.
By December 2002 we knew there were issues, but we didn't know what they were. Why didn't our baby gain weight? Why did he throw up all the time? It wasn't allergies. It wasn't anything our pediatrician could figure out. Failure to Thrive, with no know cause. Dear Lord, help our baby.By the end of the year Samren was a shadow of the baby we had brought home from Vietnam. He slept a lot. When he wasn't sleeping, he was trying to eat (unsuccessfully) and then throwing up whatever he managed to eat. The burden of being a mother and not being able to provide my child with the most basic of needs (food) made me feel like a complete failure. I was powerless to save my child, and the doctors wouldn't listen.
Finally, in January 2003, Samren got a bug that caused him to projectile vomit. His body wasn't strong enough to take it. He was deteriorating quickly and our pediatrician FINALLY admitted him to the hospital, for what we thought would be a one day stay.
After 16 days in the hospital, multiple specialists and even more tests, we knew no more than the day he was admitted. The doctors put in an NG tube, feeding him Pediasure very tiny amounts of food for 24 hours a day. Still yet, he threw up the Pediasure. His stomach wouldn't empty. The food just stayed there until it regurgitated. We were sent home with a "Sometimes we just don't know what's going on. This is the best we can do."
This is my baby at 15 months old, and 14.1 pounds. "Nothing else we can do" was not good enough! The feeding tube helped some. Getting him on an amino-acid formula (no proteins for him to have to digest) helped more. But my baby still vomited dozens of times a day. He was still failing.
Long, hard nights for sweet Samren, as he had to sleep with braces on his hands (so he wouldn't pull out his tube), and deal with vomiting every few hours. My husband and I will never forget the smell of Neocate formula vomit. Never.

Still, Samren was able to keep down SOME of the neocate. That allowed him to begin to develop again. He said his first word at 16 months---O-U! (as in OU Sooners). He began to smile and play more. He was coming back.

This picture was taken in April 2003 when he was about 17 months old. His Easter outfit was size 3/6 months. =-)

I never gave up trying to figure out what was wrong. In June we discovered Dr. Phillip Putnam at Cincinnati Children's Hospital. We made the first of several trips to Cincinnati Ohio, with confidence that if ANYBODY could help Samren, it would be Dr. Putnam.
See the chubby cheeks? This was in August 2003. After ruling out many rare disorders, Dr. Putnam diagnosed Samren with Autoimmune Enteropathy (which is a generic turn for lots of diseases that are so rare they don't have individual names). One in a billion--Autoimmune Enteropathy. Little is known, but studies show that about 20% of the children with this disease don't make it past 10 years old. Most don't make it to adulthood.
By October 2003 Samren had been on a course of medications meant to destroy his immune system. His immune system saw any protein as an invader and tried to destroy the invader. This is why he was wasting away. High dosage of prednisolone (60mg a day--10 times more than Eric takes for his kidney transplant), an autoimmune drug called Prograf (another one Eric takes) and Bactrim, an antibiotic HIV patients take to protect themselves from PCP Pneumonia. Samren had to wear a medical mask when out in public, which caused people (that didn't know us) to walk the other direction. It never occurred to them that it was THEM that was a threat to Samren! See how puffy his cheeks are? Prednisolone has that effect in high dosages. One of many side effects Samren had to endure.

Christmas 2003 was a joyous occasion! Unlike the year before, Samren was thriving! He was living on an amino-acid formula. No other foods or drinks. That was rough on a young two year old, but he never complained. He took his medicine like a pro, and dutifully drank his formula while everybody else enjoyed the yummy foods of the season. By his birthday in November we added one protein source--potatoes. Samren enjoyed a potato birthday cake, and some sort of potato something each and every day. Nothing could be added to the potatoes beyond sugar or salt.

In early 2004 we got what we thought would be the best we could hope for--REMISSION! Very few kids with his disease ever went into remission, but the Lord used Dr. Putnam to help Samren get to that point. We got to add two more proteins to his diet--chicken and apples. HUGE! Samren was still on a very heavy medicine regimen. It was made very clear to us that remission might be short-lived and that he would always have the disease. He would always need the medicines, even though we might be able to go down on dosages.

In May 2004 Samren was doing wonderfully. He was happy and healthy. He still lived off of the amino acid formula, but also had the joy of eating chicken, potatoes, and apples in small quantities. Life was as good as we thought it could ever be for him, baring a miracle.

And then...a miracle. In August 2004, at my in-laws church, a member had a "word of knowledge." The member stood up and said that someone in the room was meant to receive healing today. This isn't uncommon in an Assembly of God church. My body's reaction was. I come from a conservative Baptist background. We don't "do" dancing in the isles and "Holy Ghost Fire!" LOL! But when that woman said those words, the Lord took control of my body. There was no conscious decision on my part to walk up the isle. My legs just went, as I carried Samren in my arms. My body began to shake. I felt heat running through my hands to my baby. People laid hands on us to claim the healing the Lord had declared would happen. The whole thing took about 5 minutes. When it was done, I knew my son had been healed. Not just healed through the medications and special foods--but completely and utterly healed.

We left church that day, and Samren never took another drink of the amino acid formula. He enjoyed Sunday dinner with the rest of us--whatever he wanted to eat. All medications stopped immediately. And we have never looked back except to give our thanksgiving to the Lord for healing our son. There has been no hint of the disease since that day.

As I drove home this morning our song for Samren came on the radio. This song came out just before he came into our lives. Each time it is on, Eric and look at each other, squeeze hands, cry tears, and thank the Lord again for saving our son.

LISTEN TO IT HERE.

Mark Shultz--He's My Son

Read the lyrics here.

Today as I heard this song there were other parents and sons on my mind. People who are right now crying out to the Lord, "Can you hear me? Am I getting through tonight? Do you see him? Can you make him feel all right?" L&C, B&J, W&P, and many others. Maybe your son isn't experiencing a life-threatening disease but you are still crying out at night for the Lord to protect him, and to bring him near to you. I'm praying for your sons (and daughters) who are fighting for life or soon to be redeemed by the miracle of adoption. He does hear you. He is comforting your little ones. He's not just anyone. He's your son.

Preaching to myself...

Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. 1 Chronicles 16:11

Thoughts: As a long-time Christian I've heard "Seek His face." about a bazillion times in my life. That phrase is all over Christian t-shirts, and is a popular motto for Christian camps, etc.. But the words left out of the verse when I only think on that phrase, weaken the power of it. ALWAYS. Always. Anita, don't seek His face only when you need encouragement. Don't seek His face only when you're looking for a word of knowledge. Seek it ALWAYS. "Look to the Lord and His strength." Anita, stop trying to come up with your own strength. You don't have enough. Concentrate on the strength of your God. When you feel that you are drowning in a sea of lies, look up to Him and be lifted by His strength.

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. 2 Timothy 2:15

Thoughts: Anita, you have a great responsibility as a disciple of Christ. Don't treat it lightly. You have a duty to correctly handle the word of truth. You do not need to lower yourself into the pit. You have no need to be ashamed. Do not lose focus on that which you know to be true. Seek approval only from the Lord. Do not work towards the approval of any earthly person or thing.

And Jesus, replying, said to them, "Have faith in God. Truly I tell you, whomever says to this mountain, 'Be lifted up and thrown into the sea!' and does not doubt at all in his heart, but believes that what he says will take place, it will be done for him." Mark 11:22-23

Thoughts: You know you have a hard time with this one Anita. You think you have faith, but do you really believe a mountain would be thrown into the sea if you had no doubt in your heart? Just by asking the question, it makes it clear that you don't have that kind of faith. Work towards it. Knowing that the Lord God could do it, and believing that He WILL do it are two different things. You have a hard time believing that the Lord God could care about a specific situation in your life enough to step in in such a mighty way. He can do it Anita. And if you don't doubt that, He promises He WILL do it.

"A stone cutter may strike a stone 99 times with a hammer, and there may be no evidence at all that the rock is cracking. Then, on the 100th time, it may split in half. Each blow was weakening the stone, even though there were no signs to indicate it. PERSISTENCE is a vital link to victory. We must know what we believe, and be determined to stick with it until we see results." (Could not find author's name)

Thoughts: Oh Anita! How many times do you only see that the stone is unbroken, rather than thinking about what is going on within the stone to change it's entire structure?! When you look on the outside and see the stone as whole, you lose heart, assuming that no good has been done. Do not lose sight of what you believe to be right and good. Be open also, to allow someone to refine your own heart through striking words of truth. Be persistent, but not just for the sake of persistence. Make sure you are looking back to the strength of God, and the words of His truth, so that your persistence will be approved of God.

All of the above verses and quotes popped into my inbox this morning in separate emails. Funny how seemingly random verses can work together in your heart to communicate with you about something difficult within your life. It's amazing to me how God works to deliver lessons to us. I guess it shouldn't be amazing after a life of seeing His power and experiencing His grace, but the wonderment of it never gets old. It's a fresh amazement every time.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.