I've been struggling what to say on this blog for the past few days. Everything just seems so balanced and non-dramatic now that it almost seems as though there is nothing newsworthy to write about. However, as I've prayed the last few days it occurred to me that the balance I'm feeling IS the news!
In our first adoption I was a complete stress-ball the entire process. I knew I needed to "give it all to God" and thought I had (several times)--but I really hadn't. I wanted to control our timeline. I wanted to control our agency. I wanted to control the foreign governments involved. The Lord finally "broke" me during Taevy's adoption and at one point I truly did "give it all to Him." Of course, three days after I gave up my illusion of control, we received miraculous news that our adoption had been processed even during a moratorium! Yes my friends, our God is THAT powerful!!! I thought I had been "cured" of my control freak ways forever!
NOT! =-) One year later we were waiting on Samren to come home from Vietnam. Things were better, but I still worried over things that were completely out of our control. His health...his size...how long we would wait for him. Samren's adoption process only took 2 months from the day that we decided to adopt him until his Giving and receiving ceremony in Vietnam--super fast! But I was still heartbroken when we were delayed in our travel plans (twice). I still cried out to God, "Why God???? Why?!?!?" as if waiting two more weeks for travel would affect the rest of our life with our new son! Still, I didn't worry nearly as much with Samren's adoption as I had with Taevy's. I don't know if that's because I truly learned through Taevy's adoption, or if Samren's adoption just had less to worry about.
Between our adoptions the Lord had four years to teach me...to love me...to show me that He is always in control. The past four years I've learned to lean on Him each day as if my life depended on in--and some days I think it really did! I learned to trust Him when our daughter started showing us her attachment issues and sensory integration disorder. I learned to lean on Him--to crawl up in His lap and cry--when our son was diagnosed with a disease that takes the lives of 1 out of 5 before they are 1o years old. I learned to praise Him for his faithfulness as He completely healed our son from his horrible disease and continues to help us foster good attachment in Taevy.
Yes, through our trials the Lord has taught me to "give it all to Him." I can't say that I won't ever worry or try to control things with our current adoption process. But thus far it has amazed me how calm I feel in my heart about it all. I could be on the phone trying to get X document 2 days faster than if I hadn't called...but I don't feel the need to do that. I know the Lord has it all in control. I got "down" when adoptions were put on hold, but the sense that the Lord had a purpose in it never left me.
Now we are getting down to the "nitty gritty" of the adoption process. We are waiting on the final document needed (CIS clearance) in order to get our referrals. And then--once the referrals come and we have faces to put to our children's names--well that is a whole new level of "adoption experience!" When those things happen I will really find out how changed I am! =-) But for now, I thank the Lord for all of the ways He has helped me to grow these last four years. I thank Him for the peace and balance I feel as we travel every day closer to our two children in Liberia.