God is SOOOO good, and almost always in ways we don't expect! LOL!
WE KNOW WHO OUR CAYNAN EMMANUEL IS!!!!!!!
Oh praise the Lord we do! All of you know that I have had such a heart for a baby. I just didn't want to be "done" caring for a baby. I knew that part of me still needed to be active. What you don't know is that we have known about a child for about a month now that has continually tugged at my heart. Not in my mind all the time, because MY mind wanted a baby. But visions of this child playing with T & S & KJ passed through my mind's eye often. I didn't let my heart explore my feelings for this child like I should have because I wasn't willing to let go of my dream of a baby. He's three.
The last week (since we got the news that babies aren't likely through Ghana) you all know I have been obsessed with researching our domestic options. Over and over again Eric and I have discussed the additional cost of a domestic adoption (since a second child through Ghana is only $1000), but I kept telling him that if we needed to we could just "bit the bullet" and go into (more) debt to get the baby home. I've also been in touch with a Foster Care liaison here and we discussed foster-to-adopt possibilities. We've gone round and round and round, always trying to fit the pieces together so that our hearts knew that it was right.
As some of you all know Eric is taking a new job. We sat down tonight to do a serious budget. After we were done it really was obvious that we would be irresponsible to add more debt for a domestic private adoption. We talked about foster care again, but we both know that I would be an emotional wreck parenting a child with the HOPE of adoption in the future but with the very real possibility of reunification with birth family.
This is when I told Eric that I wished there was a possibility for #5 in the future because if there was, then I would adopt Kendi and this other little boy in a heartbeat. He said he could never promise that. Then everything clicked! I finally realized that it's not that I think we need a baby IN OUR FAMILY. I just love to care for babies. Would Eric be open to us becoming foster parents (JUST foster parents) in the future if we were to adopt the two children from Ghana now? HE SAID YES!!!!
My friends, all at once all of the pieces of my heart fell into place. THIS is what I have been waiting for. The Lord told me to "wait" and yet I have been drawn in to a dizzy wave of ACTION since last week (has it only been one week?)! Why? Because I wasn't waiting for some THING to happen. I was waiting for my heart to catch up with God's plan! And I suppose He needed me to know what all of our options are so that He could lead us to this place of contentment.
WE ARE ADOPTING EMMANUEL NYARKO FROM GHANA!!!!!!
I showed some of you his picture several weeks ago. At the time I said that we had already decided to name our child Caynan Emmanuel and that it was "interesting" that his name was Emmanuel. =-)
I can't help but think of a friend's recent word from the Lord that she will have "more than you can imagine." This is exactly how I feel! I didn't realize how in love I was with Emmanuel until I didn't have to "worry" about giving up caring for babies. Oh how I love him! And how good it feels to admit that to myself and everyone else! So not only will we have the "perfect four" for us (3, 3, 4, 5), but the Lord has also built in a way for me to continue to "mother" babies for a lifetime if I feel that need! Maybe THIS is to be my ministry! Maybe I can be one of those foster moms who is able to truly hope for reunification with the birth family (because I won't be hoping for adoption into our own family). It all feels so right. It is truly more than I imagined.
This whole time one of my other friend's term for the Lord has seemed to be my mantra. "Dream-giver." "You are my dream-giver Lord" I would say in my prayers, over and over and over again. And He is. He has given us MORE than we dreamed. Please say prayers of thanksgiving with us tonight!!!!!
P.S. Eric suggested that we tell Lois that we would take Emmanuel IF there are no baby boys there while she is in country. But as I played through that in my mind I felt sick at the thought of choosing NOT to adopt Emmanuel just because a baby became available. I couldn't do that. Knowing how much I have desired a baby, the fact that I felt so sick at the thought of taking a baby over Emmanuel confirmed to me that HE is to be our son. So we choose Emmanuel. =-)