Yucky Feelings

Well, darn. =-( I had really hoped that this week would be all roses and sunshine, but I'm not in the habit of editing this blog to make it "turn out" one way or another. The truth is I'm bummed. I have no reason to think that Lois would have written me with an update from Ghana by this time, or even before she leaves, but I've still been hoping my little heart out! I heard that she was in Accra over the weekend, so maybe she is in Ho Hoe now?

What makes me feel so yucky is the thoughts that begin to creep in about WHY she might not be writing. "If it was all good news wouldn't she write immediately?" "If it's bad news she'll be less likely to email me because that would be too impersonal." "Is Bright okay? Did his dad reclaim him?" "Oh my gosh what if the whole adoption is going in the dumps as I write this?!" The TRUTH to all of these irrational thoughts is probably something like, "Lois is just really busy and wants to gather all information possible before writing."

Between the nasty dreams I'm having and the lack of word from Ghana I'm just starting to feel fearful. I know, I have no reason to feel fearful. I'm borrowing trouble and will probably write tomorrow with a huge happy update! But tonight, I feel fearful. There is just this looming thought that something is going to go terribly wrong with our adoption and we're going to lose Bright, or not be able to adopt from Ghana at all. That would be such a devastating blow to us after all of the twists and turns and stops we've had to get to this point.

I try to protect my heart a little bit because I don't want it to hurt if we lose Bright. But this kid has my heart and if he doesn't come home he's going to take a piece of my heart with him. Every time I buy a little trinket...or put away clothes that someone gave us...or stare at his photo for the millionth time...the stake gets that much higher. More and more of myself is being given over every day to this tiny little guy half way around the world. There would be much grieving if we were to "lose" him.

I bought Bright's Christmas stocking today. I also bought him his first ornament, which will be inscribed with "Bright 2006, First Christmas In Our Hearts." He won't be home to celebrate with us but he will be thought of and loved many times this holiday season. Oh how I pray that this is the first of many, many, many times that his stocking will be hung on our mantle.

Anita