I tried to be brave...

I said in a post below that if I were brave I would start an NGO to help single mothers in Ghana. An NGO to help them get registered for National Health Insurance...to help them pay for the child's delivery if they didn't have NHI when they delivered....to help with parenting...to help with getting back on their feet.

I got brave for a day, and was ready to do this. I just knew it was right. There is such a need. But I can't do it. Because of my association with an adoption agency, I can't do it. It might be perceived as me somehow trying to "find babies" for AAI (even though my goal would be to never have a mother place their child for adoption, and would just refer them to Social Services if that were the case). Because of the fanatical paranoia about "baby buying" and agencies trying to "find" babies I can't follow through on my pure (NOT adoption-related) idea for an NGO in Ghana.

I'm not mad at AAI for saying I can't do this (at least I can't do this if I still want to work for AAI). Merrily has learned through the years how pure motives can be interpreted as self-serving. I know she wanted to say yes. I'm not mad at AAI, but I am mad.

I'm so angry with the history of international adoption right now. WHY do people act unethically when it comes to innocent children? WHY do agencies "hunt" for babies. WHY can they not just do what they are supposed to do and help kids that come to them without pressure or extra gifts? Those agencies have RUINED it for others who just want to help!

How twisted is it that I can't start an organization on my own to help families STAY TOGETHER without bringing up suspicion that I am trying to help AAI profit in some way? For one thing, THERE IS NO PROFIT! WE PROFIT NOTHING!!!!

In the United States we are allowed to pay birth mother expenses including lodging, medical, and food for as long as she is pregnant and until 6 weeks after giving birth. But in a foreign country we can't give a birth mother medication to help her body heal after giving birth without bringing up suspicions that our motives are impure. We can't help a mother who wants to parent to get back up on her feet. We can't send her off with baby care items and a bit of money to start her own business. No...to do that would be considered "unethical" in the topsy-turvy international adoption code of ethics. We can't help materially or financially or we would be acting "unethically" (even if the mother was given the items so that she could parent).

I just feel sick at my stomach right now. At the same time, I don't blame foreign governments and US immigration for being leery of corruption in international adoption. I don't blame AAI for being cautious and not "allowing" me to do thi. How could they NOT be? They'd be idiots if they weren't! I guarantee there is some agency somewhere today that is asking how much an orphanage will "charge" per orphan they place for adoption. I guarantee there is some agency somewhere that is taking a short cut and having a death certificate "created" rather than doing it the hard way. So these foreign governments and embassies SHOULD be paranoid at this point--because of the history and culture that has been sickly created by greedy adoption agencies and facilitators.

Who loses? Families lose. Adoptive families and Biological families. Good adoption agencies (or even employees wanting to act independently) can't do anything really meaningful to help families stay together because there might be an illusion of impropriety. We have to be so careful that we are stunted in our own ability to help. If we aren't that careful we'll be lumped into the same group as those that are greedily trying to profit from international adoption.

I'm sorry to be so "down" on the blog this week. I love the "end product." I love to see children that can't be reunited with their biological families find a new hope and future in the arms of adoptive parents. I love to see adoptive parents discover the blessing of these children. I love it when it all works out well. It's just all of the things that happen to tie my hands from helping more that have me frustrated. I just wanted to help, but I can't, no matter how brave I am.

Anita
P.S. To my sweet AAI families...thank you for your kind words during my difficult week. You and your children make it all worthwhile for me.