Sunday, May 18, 2008

Taevy's Story: Part II

So, at the end if Part I we received Taevy's referral. I always smile to myself when first time adoptive parents talk to me about how very hard the wait is for referral. It IS hard, but it is nothing compared to the difficulty of waiting AFTER referral!

Almost as soon as we got Taevy's referral the real worry started. I forgot to mention in Part I that the day of our referral (earlier in the day) I had called and left a message with our adoption specialist, asking her to call me back. We were worried about the fact that Cambodia was still closed to adoption and decided that we didn't want a referral until the country was opened. It was important to us to have a baby "as young as possible" so the thought of having a child referred to us that got older and older while we waited for the country to reopen was terribly scary. BUT...the referral call came before we told them not to give us a referral and I wasn't about to say no once we got that call. Faith...leap...check.

Every week there were different rumors about Cambodia reopening (or not). It was going to be 2 weeks...then 2 months...then someone would say the country reopened only to later say they were mistaken. I didn't know how to separate myself from the drama. The fact that Taevy was growing older each day was excruciatingly painful to me. I was absolutely overtaken with worry and obsessed with any tidbit of a rumor that came in over the internet groups. When would our baby come home? What happened to that hope of bringing a 3 month old baby home?

In the meantime I couldn't hold back preparations for her. It was what made the experience feel real to me. So we bought clothes...and more clothes...and more clothes! Taevy probably never wore an outfit twice her first year home! LOL! Her nursery was absolutely and completely ready for her. The saddest thing I did (and maybe I shouldn't be admitting this) was measure our miniature daschund against Taevy's reported length (17.5 inches) and actually laid the daschund in her crib, in one of her dresses, just to try to get a picture of the size of my baby! Ahh! Can't believe I just admitted that, but it's true! LOL!

Almost every day I wrote letters to Taevy in an adoption journal that I will give to her some day. I sat in her nursery, in the white glider rocker, and poured out my heart.

Here's an excerpt from the journal on the day we received her referral:

Taevy, I know that I have written in this journal before about not letting myself get too attached to you before we know for sure that we will be your parents, but that has all changed. I feel completely your mother. I think of you constantly. There is no way to reserve this kind of love for when it is a "sure thing." after all, no expectant mother knows for sure that her baby will be born until it happens. Those mothers still love their babies with all of their hearts.

If something happens and you turn out to be someone else's baby girl I will mourn. I will mourn like any mother who has lost a child. In my heart you are ours already. If I am wrong, your daddy and I will deal with that sadness together. Our journey to find you will continue. But until I find out otherwise--you (Kunthea/Taevy)--are our daughter. I will address this journal to you.

My heart is overflowing with great joy!

And here is an excerpt from three weeks after referral:

Dearest Taevy,

Well, I'm kinda down right now. I'm sure that there are lots of reasons why--but the main one is that I want you to be here with us. I'm getting scared about the moratorium again--thinking that they will change the laws in a way that will keep us from you. Right now I don't even like to daydream about you--it's just going to hurt too much of Rath Kunthea isn't our baby after all. I don't even want to fathom how disappointing that would be. We are committed to this journey, and will continue on the path of adoption as long as it takes--but I am ready for us to see the end of the road. I'm ready to hold, and kiss, and feed, and play with my baby. I'm ready to be your mommy, dear sweet one. Won't you come home soon?

Love and prayers from my side of the ocean,

So, as you can see I was NOT a good waiter. Al of my current AAI families will probably laugh at me because I'm always telling them to "hang in there" and be patient when I was the worst waiter EVER during our first adoption! Oh the pain of it.

I am now convinced that every second of pain we adoptive parents experience during the wait is the Lord preparing our hearts for the amazing love we need to have for our children. We don't have 9 months of hearing their heartbeat, feeling them kick, and laughing as they hiccup inside of us. How can the Lord reach us with paperwork and homestudy visits? No. Instead I think He uses the pain as a sort of delayed blessing. It's good pain. It's needed pain. It's the pain that allows us to feel REAL love for these children we have only seen in photographs.



Nicole - Raising Animals 9:06 PM  

Oh I hope there's a part 3!