Can I cry if I want to?

It's my birthday, so I can cry if I want to, right? =-)

Oh, what a hard day. First of all, I have completely forsaken all efforts to convince myself I can keep a secret. Well, maybe I can keep a secret for others, but I don't think I can keep a secret for myself. If I don't purge it, it eats me alive to the point that I am consumed with the secret and can think of nothing else. Plus, even in attempts to keep something to myself it is obvious that I'm not fooling anybody. Maybe I went wrong when I posted pictures of a little foot and hand along with my posts about waiting. Yep--that was probably it.

So it is no secret at all--but I am going to say it "out loud" on the blog anyway--that I am ready for kiddo #4. Not just any kiddo. A specific kiddo. If not this specific kiddo, then I am not ready for #4. I knew there was a special connection with this kiddo the first time I saw a picture. But I feel special connections with some other kids as well. But this one. This one is different. That difference was confirmed when I held this one in my arms in Ghana. It would have been much easier had the confirmation gone the other way--that this was just another child I was pleased to help find a family.

It was 3 years ago today that Eric said "yes" to starting the adoption process for Bright. What a day that was. An answer to YEARS of prayer. I told myself not to build it up that today a "yes" should come again on my birthday--three years later. Our lives are different now than then. After all, we are waiting on Eric's kidney transplant. Finances are tighter now than they were then. We're older and maybe not so much wiser.

But then I see that face staring back at me from Ghana. And all of those reasons not to go forward melt away. I get brave and want to jump, trusting the Lord to catch us and bring us through any obstacles. And in fact, He already has brought us through obstacles. We got the okay from placement and homestudy agency to go forward. THAT is no small thing. But the fees to adopt another child internationally...THAT is also no small thing.

My mind is reeling today with questions I don't have answers to. Does God ever say "no" to adoption? I mean, aren't we called to care for the fatherless all throughout scripture? Are we supposed to walk forward until a door slams shut? Are we supposed to use our common sense (which tells us we cannot afford the fees)? Or do we put our faith into action and trust that God will provide every single dollar if it is His will? It's easy to say one thing when it's not you, but an entirely different situation when you are the one in the position of stepping off a cliff and hoping for a soft landing.

Last time I talked to Eric about it, he felt that we needed some sort of sign and assurance from God that this is what we are supposed to do. For him that assurance comes in the form of finances to get started (homestudy and USCIS). I don't need that form of assurance.

The only thing I need to know we are doing the right thing, is for my husband to agree that we should go forward. If Eric says we should go forward, I know that God has done a work in him. He worries about more kids, because he worries he will make our kids orphans again by dying young. I'm sorry to be blunt--but that's the truth. He loves our kids so much. He doesn't want to do anything to make their lives more difficult. And if that means NOT adopting a child in order to "save" them from the pain of losing (another) father, he is willing to do that.

I (of course) do not agree with this line of thinking. I lost my dad when I was 18. He wasn't there to walk me down the aisle. But would I have rather not had him? No! I would take having a dad a short while over not having a dad, any day. My daddy gave me a life time of love, even though it was only over a period of 18 years. Eric is that kind of daddy too. Our children would never hope for a daddy other than him. Never.

So...these are the things going through my heart on my 33rd birthday. My amazing children and husband woke up singing "Happy Birthday" to me. I hadn't even remembered it was my birthday yet! They had hand-made gifts, hugs, and kisses waiting for me. I love them so much. My life is more crazy AND more fulfilled because of them. I've got one more "spot" in my life...for #4. I've been stingy with that spot because I know spot #4 is the final spot. But finally I have met a child I am willing to give that spot to. It hurts to not be able to do just that.