Monday, July 13, 2009

Can You Wake Me When It's Over?

Sometimes that's how I feel with our adoption. Just wake me when it's over!!! In the last few weeks I've felt this way. I've become weary waiting for I-600 approval (today is day 35). I think I would be more patient if I didn't know we've got another potentially long immigration wait after we're through this hurdle. I've felt bad about doing any sort of complaining about the wait on this blog, because I have other friends who have had so much longer waits. I have a friend that has been waiting for her precious son from Haiti since about the time we found out about Bright (almost 3 years ago now)! I don't know how she does it. God must be the only way to get through something like that.

I have felt so very WEARY. So weary that it has been difficult to enjoy the wonderful family I have at home already. So weary that I just want to sleep. I want to avoid checking email because every time there is no email from DHS in Ghana it feels like a slap in the face. I was so weary that I honestly did NOT want to get out of bed for church yesterday. I had a bad attitude. I slept as long as I possibly could, put on the first thing that was clean (even though it should have been ironed), got the kids dressed, and walked out the door. I didn't even take a shower! FOR CHURCH!!!

But wouldn't you know it? There was a reason it was so hard for me to go to church yesterday. It's because I really needed to be there. All of the songs were as if they were picked just to uplift me. And then, the pastor's message was just what I needed to hear.

First, he reminded us that when you are in the center of God's will everything outside of that looks awful. I find that to be very true. As difficult as this journey feels right now, the thought of not going forward--the thought of Kendi not being my daughter--just sickens me. The journey towards her is so much better than a journey away from her would be. He plainly opened doors for us to welcome her into our family. There is no question about that.

Revelations 3:7b "What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open."

Second, our pastor reminded us of what Christian kids are taught from the time they can sing a song. "When I am weak, He is strong." How could I have recently forgotten such an important and basic fact? God KNOWS I can't do this. He KNOWS I'm weak. He KNOWS that me being in His will has absolutely nothing to do with me having any control over the details. I can only reach His destination for my life by letting go, and accepting my own weakness. I've got to put all of my hope in Him. My faith in Him. He has proven to me three times before this adoption that only He can bring my kids home. My efforts have very little to do with it.

Revelations 3:8 "I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name."

So in the end, my day was an encouraging one. I came home from Church feeling much less weary--not because I had gained strength, as much as I had allowed Him to carry me home instead of insisting I could do it myself. I still feel very weak and weary in my very human body, but today I am finding rest in Him. Imagine yourself as a child, cuddling up in the safety and warm of your daddy's lap. That's how I feel. I just want to stay cuddled up here, with my father, until my baby comes home. If you are weary, I invite you to join me. There's room.


Amy 9:28 AM  

That was a beautiful and inspiring post to read my friend. I am so very sorry that waiting feels like this (and I have not forgotten, though now I feel like SUCH a baby compared to some of the delays others are experiencing) and agree that the only one that can handle it is God. It just hurts to wait to be with your children. This is one of those times in life when a fast forward button would prove most useful! :)

Love you and praying for strength for you (and others).


Kristin Jag 10:29 AM  

I am glad that you were able to open your heart to the message yesterday at your church. It can be unbearable in your wait and I clearly remember longing for our two and feeling depressed when I had three others at home that needed me too. My thoughts are with you and I am glad you fought the urge to stay in bed-keep stepping out every day; with God's help, I pray it will be easier for you.

FullPlateMom 12:24 PM  

Amen, sister! We filed the same week you did and I hear you about the slap in the face EVERY time I check my email. Church made me feel better yesterday too.

whenpigsfly 3:15 PM  

One of my very favorite all time passages of encouragement and admonition is from Hebrews 10...(23-25) "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He Who promised is faithful. And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works,not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together , as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another , and so much more as you see the Day approaching"
God gave us The Body, fellowship, the Church, our Body Family to help lift us up and remind each other of His faithfulness. Left to our own devices and self-teachings, we can go pretty low and see more clouds than Sonshine!
Glad you stirred yourself up and got what God had for you!!
Weary of waiting myself, but clinging to God's promise of faithfulness for us both!

Salzwedel Family 9:35 PM  

I feel your pain. Wake me when it's over is the perfect sentiment!

Deborah 9:53 AM  

Wow...I sure needed this! I have been so very weary, and have struggled with the same feelings of knowing that there ARE other children - right in my house - that need me and love me and want me - and yet it is so hard to focus...Thanks for writing this post. I'm coming back with my Bible in hand :)
I love you, friend,

Laurel 3:39 PM  

Today ... I am weak. I actually went back to bed a few hours after getting up, because I just plain didn't want to face the day.

Thanks for your encouragement.