Keeping it Real...

[Forgive me. I need to vent some things and it's going to look like a pity party. Don't pity me. Just pray for me!]

I could really us your prayers.

I'm weary.

Very weary.

I'm in that funky place where I have too many things on my plate and don't feel that I'm doing any one thing well. The guilt is overwhelming me. Yes, I know this is just satan attacking. I know my strength and hope are in the Lord. I know there is no reason to worry about tomorrow. But I'm being real here. I'm not perfect, and I'm down.

Health: Stinky. I've stopped losing weight. The fibromyalgia is in full force. I'm so very very tired all the time (that happens when the pain from the fibro is more than usual, because sleep is a release from the pain).

Wife: Eric is getting total leftovers from me, and pickins' are slim! He's understanding (as always) but I don't like taking advantage of the fact that he can go longer without my full support than other areas of my life.

Kids: It's summer, so the "school" schedule is very light to nonexistent. But this leaves 4 kids who are so bored they can't stand it. Mommy is too tired or too busy with work, so there have been no fun outings during the day, even though I've got a hundred things planned in my head. Big kids are helping with little kids WAY too much, because I'm too busy with work or too tired/sick with Fibro. Not fair to them. I'm a realist and teach my kids that life isn't fair. They know that. Lots of things about their lives aren't "fair." But I wish for more for them than they've received lately.

House: My poor house! I'm so sick of the clutter. Whatever housekeeping does get done is usually done by Eric and the big kids lately. Or what I do is just enough to keep roaches out of the house! I don't like living this way. I've never had a super clean house--never will. But the current standard is way low. If Eric had a full set of eyes and could see the grime I'm sure he would flip!

Work: It feels like one step forward two steps back lately. I try to look at the bright side of Ghana adoption, but currently the embassy is like a huge black cloud over any brightness I could otherwise see. I don't like hearing about people I care about being treated like crap by my fellow American citizens. I don't like "guilty until proven innocent" mentality. There isn't enough time in the day for me to do all of the things I would like to do for the families and children I care about. And sometimes I wonder, "Who am I?" that people are counting on me to help solve these complicated issues. I feel unworthy and unqualified to do this sometimes. I don't feel good enough.

Miss Okie: We are so very thankful for Eric's kidney. It's what we prayed for for 3 years. But darn it, Miss Okie is just taking her sweet time to acclimate to Eric's body. I figured that six months after transplant we'd be going for labs and appointments once a month. Eric continues to have "small scares" over and over again. His creatinine level is up and down like a roller coaster. The doctors always say not to worry, and then schedule extra appointments (like kidney ultrasound) and keep him coming back every week. His medication levels never seem to settle in to a good groove. So we still have lab/appointments once a week. This does not sound like such a big deal. It really takes very little time from my life because Eric's dad even takes him! We just pick him up after the appointment and take him on to work. The thing is, the constant worry that Miss Okie is going to putter out on us at any moment. There's always a small background stress related to the kidney failing. We thought by now Eric would be living the high life! But instead, because of complications he's having, he's more weak than he ever has been. He was supposed to have all of this energy and stamina! Not so much. Not at all. I look forward to the time when everything is settled with the kidney--when we can go six months without thinking about it. That's how I thought it would be. Maybe I was wrong all along. Maybe this is how it is--always wondering if the next day will bring kidney rejection? I think I'm having a hard time accepting that. =-(

Bright: Something is going on with Bright. Something is coming to a head. And it bugs me to all get out that I can't figure out what's going on. His behaviors almost remind me of high level autism. And they are so odd and random that I can't make a list of them. I just don't know how to help him. That drives me crazy. If he was sick, I would feel qualified. If I saw attachment or sensory issues, I would feel qualified. But I just don't "get" this. And I haven't found time or energy to research whatever resources might be out there. I don't even now what direction to go because I don't know if it's behavioral, psychological, food/chemical sensitivities, or something else all together! What all this LOOKS like in our home is a lot of aggression (bordering on abuse) from Bright--lots of fights and constantly having to oversee him so as to help him be more successful. We're "tomato-staking" right now. Bright is always by my side. I'm trying to help him succeed. But even with him right by my side he still manages to be unsuccessful in controling his behaviors.

Kendi: Kendi is losing weight. This is something I do have experience with (Samren). She's gained 2 pounds since she came home 9 months ago. Well....she gained 4, and has lost 2 in the last six months. She weighs 23 pounds. She continues to grow taller though. It's not a picky-eater thing. She's not a picky eater. She just doesn't eat enough anymore. I've observed this over the last several months, but I know that I am extra sensitive to kids who don't eat enough (because of Samren) and told myself not to worry about it. Yesterday's appointment with Dr. S. in Arkansas confirmed that her growth curve is going down now. =-( It's really not a big deal yet. I know this. She's active and healthy. We just need to add calories everywhere we can (cream instead of milk; milk instead of water, butter on everything, etc.). I need to try harder to get her to eat her food rather than saying, "You've had long enough to eat. Put it in the sink." We used to spend 6 hours a day (literally) trying to feed Samren. Taking extra time to feed Kendi when she won't eat on her own won't take nearly that long. But it is more time when I've got all of these other things screaming in my ears--"PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"

Dr. S. asked me yesterday how everything was going, generally. How is life? I took a moment to consider and told her everything was good. I've got four amazing kids, and a fantastic husband. I've got a job I am passionate about, and get to do something in my daily life that I feel makes an eternal difference in the lives of children. I live in a nice home. My kitchen is full of food. I have NO reason to complain about my life. It IS a good life. It's just a bit too much life right now. I'm weary. I'm not sure how to bring it all back down to a level where I feel that I'm doing all things well at the end of the day.

The guilt. See, now I've taken 1/2 an hour to write this post when I should have been doing other things--so more guilt! But writing is my release. I'll feel better after I'm finished writing this. Truly I will. I'll probably go off and have a good day. But generally, I would covet your prayers over these areas of my life, if little 'ol me happens to make it into your prayers. Really, if the Fibromyalgia were under control everything else would have much more attention. This stupid illness takes too much from my life.

Love,
Anita