Ramblings

Sometimes I feel as if the reality of Kendi and Canan is so far off. I remember how REAL Taevy was to me from the moment that we decided to adopt a child from Cambodia. I've posted before about what an emotional wreck I was during her entire adoption process. I know that wasn't healthy, but there is something nice about remembering back to how I loved her so much it hurt.

I know that where I am with this adoption (emotionally) is much more healthy. But with that comes a lot less of those "love them so much it hurts" moments. Right now I seem to be in this sort of trench in the adoption process. We're in a period of waiting with no real action taking place. I want to know who Kendi and Canan are, and yet I feel good about NOT knowing who they are because once I see their faces my level of emotion is going to skyrocket.

Unlike our previous two adoptions I find myself holding back on putting up the kids' beds. Why is that? I guess I'm just protecting myself. I don't question that we will eventually have a Kendi and Canan in our home--not at all! But I guess I question how long that might take. It's hard for me to believe they could be here in only two months. It's much easier not to think that way so that I can protect my heart from hurt when/if delays occur. At the same time, what am I sacrificing? I felt so INSTANTLY in love with Taevy and I know that is in large part because I invested my heart so wholely in her joining our family from the getgo. Will I still have that instant love for Kendi and Canan--the kind of love where you can literally FEEL your heart grow bigger? I have no doubt that love with come, but it will be interesting to see how this new low-emotion adoption will play out in the end.