Oh bother! =-) What a roller coaster weekend this has been. No matter how much I try not to limit God's plan for us I still find myself doing it over and over and over again. Forgive me Lord, for my inability to dream as big as you can give.
First we got word that four referrals would be coming in. [I hate calling children "referrals" but I also don't like the thought of children "coming in"...] Anyway, three were said to have been girls under 3 and one was a 5 year old boy. Then the referrals actually came in and I was originally told that there were FOUR girls instead of three--two 3 year olds and two 4 year olds. Okay fine. Then this weekend I find out that in the end there were indeed 4 girls, but one was 5 yeard, two were 4 years, and one was 3 years old.
The family who is ahead of us "in line" had originally hoped to adopt 2 girls and 1 boy between 3 and 5 years old. They have already determined that the 5 year old boy is too old for their family, so that leaves them with the 4 girls to "choose" from. In addition, they could also choose 2 girls and wait for a younger boy to become available. It seems as though this family may end up adopting three of the four girls. It also seems that if they adopt three of the girls the one they chose not to adopt would likely be the 5 year old (since the 5 year old boy was too old).
All this to say, it's looking less and less like our Kendi is in this bunch. I've gone through such a range of emotions this weekend. I am beyond happy for this other family--just a dear family from what I can tell! I pray that their adoption process is smooth as butter. =-) At the same time I had to go through the let down. I was pumped all last week thinking our Kendi may come, and the emotional let down from realizing that she probably isn't here yet was hard to get through.
But then there's my Lord...my Daddy God! Boy, He loves me so much!!! I am reminded over and over and over again that He is my "Dream-Giver." All Eric and I *want* is two healthy children that will be of the right age/gender to do well with Taevy and Samren. But then there are all of these "extra" feelings of "wouldn't it be great if we got a baby?" Do you all know what I mean? When we were waiting for Taevy we didn't ask for boy or girl, and would have been truly excited and happy to have received the referral of ANY healthy baby. But in both of our hearts we secretly thought (unbeknownst to the other) it would be extra special to have a baby girl. Well...our Lord is the Dream-Giver! He didn't just give us what we wanted (a healthy baby)...He gave us the dream that we didn't even feel comfortable expressing (a baby girl). It was all God, as there is a 9 to 1 chance that you would get a baby boy if you didn't designate gender in Cambodia. Wow--our Lord gave us beyond our desires.
Sometimes I wonder if this isn't what He has in store for us this go 'round as well. Eric and I will feel totally blessed to add two children to our family--regardless of if we have two boys, or a baby, or two toddlers--whatever! But maybe Kendi didn't come this week because our Lord is once again planning to give to us beyond our dreams? Maybe I have once again tried to limit Him in my mind by so hoping that our Kendi would be one of the 3-5 year old referrals that came in this week. That would have made me BEYOND happy, but the Lord knows that the ultimate happiness would come if we were to be referred a baby.
I also want to say that no matter what I believe that the Lord will be giving to us BEYOND our dreams. If He ends up giving us ages/gender children that we had not planned on I have faith that it is because HE knows better than we what our family (and those children) need.
I'm sorry to be chatting away tonight. I just have so much on my heart. I feel repentant for my short-sideness--for getting so excited about possible referrals when I should just rest in the Lord, knowing that He will reveal our children to us--our perfect-for-us children--at a perfect-for-us time. I'm sure that the next time word of referrals comes in I will want to get just as excited but I'm going to TRY to just rest in the Lord during that time. You all remind me of that when it happens, okay?! LOL!
Resting in Him,