Sunday, November 05, 2006

That Old Familiar Feeling...

Ah, the joys of waiting for a referral! =-) It's so funny how your mind and body go right back into the heightened state of awareness. My mind is blazing with thoughts about who our next little one will be. Will it be a boy or a girl? Younger or older than Bright? True orphan or one living parent? And of course everything is on "red alert" with anticipation that we could get an email at any moment telling us who our next child will be. I swear I am checking my email at all times of the day and night even when I feel pretty sure that no news will come this weekend. I just can't stop myself! Waiting for a referral is a wonderful, horrible, amazing, draining experience--and I'm grateful to be experiencing it again (hopefully for the last time)!

It's amazing what one little picture of Bright has done for me. All of the sudden I find myself checking out the baby items in the grocery store. I talked myself out of buying anything, but for the first time I had to actually talk myself out of it. =-) Baring a life-taking illness (or a family member re-claiming him), I feel like he's going to come home to us. Since I am not worried about malnutrition taking him from us, I feel like I can settle in for the long haul and allow myself to EXPECT him to come home. Even if it takes a long, long time--I'm looking forward to WHEN he comes home, not IF he comes home. I know this is a dangerous way to feel according to some. I still think about the wise people who "hold on loosely until they can hold on tightly" to any child referred from Africa (because of unstable programs, risk of serious illness, etc.). But I'm really bad at holding on loosely. The last two months have been my best attempt. Now that Bright looks so good I just can't help but to allow myself the privilege of EXPECTING him to come home.

Okay, off to work on my baby boy's afghan. =-)Anita