Thursday, January 25, 2007

Hard to Believe

I am really struggling with some things (in my heart) right now. I figured, open book that I am, I will write it all out as therapy on my (yes, I know) public blog.

For some reason I am having a hard time really beleiving that our last child is going to come home from Ethiopia. I don't know WHY I'm doing this! I am currently obsessed with all things Ethiopia and Ethiopia adoption. I think about it all of the time. My heart gets very excited at the thought of bringing home a child from there. But I don't walk around saying "Our fourth child WILL come from Ethiopia!" I have a feeling that it's all of the twists and turns of the last year that won't allow me to truly believe anything is going to happen before it does. I hate that I've become one of "those" people. I never used to get why some people would wait until right before travel to get excited--I always got excited and expected my kids to come home as soon as I saw that picture! But Africa adoption (so far) has taught me to hold on loosely until I can hold on tightly. And I feel like that is a loss of sorts. Ethiopia is supposed to be different--more established, less surprises--I just wish I could reach back into time and pull out some of the naivity I had when we did our first two adoptions--just truly believing that nothing would stop us from bringing our child home.

So what's holding me back? I think that the number 1 thing holding me back is the knowledge that some people in Ethiopia want to change the laws to exclude parents like my husband (who are Type I Diabetic). Nothing has happened so far (thank you Lord) but the possibility is looming. Until our dossier is in Ethiopia I will remained somewhat concerned that the laws could change to exclude our family.

Secondly, I know that in the end what I really want is a fourth child. More than I want to adopt from Ethiopia, I just want my last baby home. So if a domestic opportunity extended itself, or the "perfect-for-us" waiting child presented him/herself I know that we might switch things again. Gosh, I HATE admitting that. But after almost a year of paperchasing and having almost another year to go before we have hope of a referral through Ethiopia I know that if certain situations presented themselves we could change direction again.

Lastly, there is a small hope in my heart that our final child will still come from Ghana. Not because I don't ADORE Ethiopia, but because I wish for Bright to have a close cultural heritage connection with his African sibling that will not be possible if our last child comes from Ethiopia. And honestly, we could "swing" another Ghana adoption (financially) much more easily than we can "swing" an Ethiopia adoption.

Everyday it's a different day dream. Some days I dream of traveling with Taevy to Ethiopia to bring home our young infant son or daughter. Other days I dream of traveling to Ethiopia with Taevy to bring home a toddler/preschooler son or daughter. Still other days I dream of the Ghana program somehow becoming very stable, us traveling to pick up Bright, and me falling in love with one of the adoptable children at the orphanage.

So much hinges on Bright's adoption. If everybody gets final adoption decrees and it doesn't take forever for immigration we might be much more "up" for the idea of adopting our last child from Ghana. If not, we won't travel that path again. If Bright feels like a "baby" to me (I just need one more baby!) we won't limit ourselves to infants for our last child. We'll go 0 to 5 years and see who God "delivers!"

The plan to adopt from Ethiopia feels good. It feels safe. And I want to believe that it's definitely going to happen. But until Bright is home I guess I won't truly be able to make plans *in my heart* about our next child. I thought I could, but I just can't. Is there such a thing as being TOO open to who your next child is?! LOL!