De ja vu, but not quite. This time round I'm not motion sick--I'm heart sick. Until today I've always been able to fly out without much emotion. Today it was all I could do to leave my family. Samren was cheerful (doesn't get that I'm gone for a while now), Eric was doubtful (not knowing if I should be doing this), and Taevy was sobbing. I've never had to leave a crying baby behind before. Taevy's never understood before (or remembered) what it would be like without mommy for so long.
It just so happened that my gate was the first gate from the airport exit. Part of me wanted to walk right out of the airport when I saw how easy my escape would be. This is just a defeating situation. I can't take care of all of my babies so I've had to choose one's needs over the others.
I've never had a bad feeling before when I have taken trips. As I sat down in this plane seat I almost had a feeling of dread. Why? Is it satan? Is it God telling me I've made a horrible mistake? And who does the feeling about? Is it about Bright's health, my safety, or my children's emotional needs? I sat down and started praying.
Peace Lord. Strength Lord. Go before me Lord. I can't do this on my own Lord.
I wish I felt excited. I wish I knew if my baby will be waiting for me at the airport or if I'll have a restless night and a long drive before meeting him on Monday. And for the first time all of these scary thoughts pop into my head. What if he hates me? What if it isn't an instant emotional connection for me (it wasn't with Samren but Eric was there to save the day). What if I can't comfort him? Am I good enough to do this?
6:05pm, Memphis-- Same entry gate (B26) and exit gate (B43) as last trip. Even the same flight assistant at check in as last time! She printed all of my boarding passes for the rest of the way to Ghana so I feel pretty relaxed (the transfer desks at Schipol in Amsterdam look crazy).
I'm starting to see more Ghanaian people. It's funny how easy they are to recognize after being in Ghana just once before. I'm feeling more committed at this point. There is no turning back. I've just got to suck it up and hope for the best. I'm ashamed that I feel so scared. I know God will carry me through this. He is good, all of the time. He has never abandoned me and He never will.
The flight to Amsterdam is completely full (actually overbooked) but I'm pretty sure I have an aisle seat. I think I might have a middle seat from Amsterdam to Accra. Yuck.
Flight from Memphis to Amsterdam was uneventful. I sat next to a nice trio who were headed to Nigeria for a wedding. I had an aisle seat (so much better than the last time!). By the time they delivered drinks and dinner service we were over 3 hours into the 9 hour flight. The next 4 hours I tried to sleep. Final few hours went pretty quickly with breakfast and landing preparation. I watched Night at the Museum--better than expected.
After landing at gate E8 I walked and walked to get to my gate (D47). Once at D47 I was greeted with a sign saying the gate had changed...to E24! Good grief! So I walked BACK to E terminal, past E8 and all the way to E24. Once at E24 I was greeted with a DELAYED FLIGHT notice. Lovely. I was supposed to leave at 1:35 but now we don't leave until 3:00. There is no way to notify those in Ghana who will be waiting for me (which makes me feel awful!). If Edward brings Bright he will be a very tired baby. It will be at least 10pm before we have a chance to get to Hands of Mercy (probably more like 11 or midnight).
God has it all under control though. I'm trying not to worry. I'm not allowing myself to cry. It will be okay. It will be okay. It will be okay.