Travel Journal: 3-24-07

Another day with my baby. Now that I know (or am expecting) that I will have to leave him, every moment together takes on new importance. Have I cuddled him enough? Have I taken enough pictures--and the right pictures? Do I need more video? Can I really leave him? I think the answers to all these quests are yes.

*Post trip not: Not enough pictures, not enough cuddling , and NOT enough video!!

I wrote yesterday about our decision to have Bright sleep here at Hands of Mercy while I am at the hotel next week. It's going to be so hard to be without him all night. I will miss his tiny body hogging the entire bed, and the way he kicks me over and over again when he wakes in the morning and wants mommy awake too!

I worry that "people" will think I've made a horrible decision, and yet I know that I am the only one IN this situation with this particular baby. So far, despite the rough first week, it seems as though Bright will attach firmly in time. Even with all of the other people holding and even feeding him throughout the day his bond to me grows stronger and stronger. Today he didn't want ANYBODY else to hold him--not even Edward! When someone else had him he whined and reached for me. It's only by the grace of God that he's acting this way because I have done very little "Boy the book."

This is all a catch 22. I don't want him to be traumatized when I leave. So it all serves as confirmation to me that we are probably doing the right things *for Bright* to have him sleep without me next week. [I will still have him during the day.]

Today Edward said he would bring the adoption documents to me. Once again Lois stepped in and didn't allow him to. For two weeks she has forbid him from giving me MY SON'S adoption paperwork. Now the story is that she wants to give it to me herself once here. Why? What's the point in that? Makes me wonder what she has in store.

*Post trip note: What was my paperwork not being offered to me until a few hours before my flight left.

Anyway, the whole thing literally has me sick at my stomach. Every time I think about it, or it is brought up between Edward, Paul, and I a wave of nausea hits and off to the bathroom I run. I just so want the relationship to be over. Even Edward is not sleeping well because of the drama. He asked for prayer from his entire church last night--for healing of the relationship. I don't think the relationship will heal, but I know that forgiveness will come from my end. The anger and bitterness will only serve as a poison in my soul. I've got to forgive and move on. I just pray that Lois wants that too (at least the moving on part).

The children here are so great. It is hard for me to imagine some of the difficult pasts they have had, and it's amazing to behold how well-rounded and emotionally healthy they all seem to be. What a work the Lord has done in their hearts through Paul and Lawrencia!

Today the girls started asking about my hair. Caucasian hair is just amazing to them. So I asked if they wanted to style it (expecting braids). They jumped at the chance but double-checked, "You mean we can TOUCH it?!" Once the word spread that the Obruni KoKo (white person that turns red) was allowing them to touch hair all of the children were gathered around caressing it. They kept talking about how my "head" was soft. I made a joke that I felt like an animal at the zoo and they all laughed. After much deliberation it was determined that my hair was "too soft" to hold braids so I ended up with about 20 little pony tails all over my head in stead. So much for my African do! It looked LOVELY--not!! =-) We took a picture to memorialize the style.

During my salon time the children very casually talked about how fat I am, and how I look nothing like the (Christmas) picture I brought of our family. They barely recognized me! They say I look much better in the US--I agree. But they did reassure me I look young. Edna (14) tried to make me feel better by saying if someone sees me walking down the street they will think I am fat, but like a young person (teenager). Weight watchers--here I come! ACK!

Tomorrow Bright and I go to church with Paul, Lawrencia, and the children. They are so excited about this. They have been preparing 2 sounds to sing at church for the entire week. And they think it's absolutely FABULOUS that I will wear "the Ghana dress." I'm really looking forward to it. It should be a special day.

*Post trip note: Couldn't do it! The shirt that was made for me was just blasted hot! So I wore the skirt and Bright wore his whole outfit.

Well--tonight and tomorrow night are my last nights with Bright. It was supposed to be Monday night but there was a mixup with the hotel reservation so I will have to be there Monday night in order to secure the rooms for the rest of the week. It will be a very tough night, as even my agency friend won't be in yet.

Whew! I've made it late tonight! Already 8:15! LOL! Goodnight!