Monday, January 28, 2008

How will they do?

Today I couldn't keep my mind off of it anymore. It's such a worry, every time I leave them. How will my family do while I'm in Ghana? I had a friend several years back that supported me through our first adoption. We were adopting for the first time together, but she was already a mom to two children by birth. She told me, "Being a mom is mostly about guilt." I can't tell you how many times that statement has gone through my mind the last 7 years as I've become mom to three kids!

I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I am going to leave them when they don't want me to go. I feel guilty that even though I will miss them TERRIBLY I am still very excited for the opportunity to travel to Ghana. I feel guilty for putting so much extra responsibility on my in-laws when my mother-in-law is already dealing with my father-in-law's broken leg. I will not only feel guilty but can't imagine ever forgiving myself if something happens to Eric while I am away. But mostly, I feel guilty about leaving my kids.

Taevy: Taevy is my future humanitarian. She SO wants to go to Ghana with me. But it's just not practical. She truly hates it when I leave her. My last two trips to Ghana I didn't come home as originally planned, so she feels like it's not a "sure thing" that I'm going to come home when I say I will. She has cried several times already because she doesn't want me to go. Taevy is our child with ongoing minor attachment issues, so of course it's horrible to know that I am playing on her worst fears everytime I leave. Lord, be a salve to her heart while I am away.

Samren: He's probably the person in the family I am least worried about. He has always been very attached and very easy-going. He ADORES staying at grandma and grandpa's--probably wouldn't blink an eye if we told him he was going to move there! He will miss me, but he probably won't cry and hasn't told me to this point that he doesn't want me to go. He's my steady rock kid. His only request is that I bring him back a Ghana soccer shirt. Somehow I don't think that will be a problem! Lord, keep Samren as an encourager to the rest of the family while I'm gone.

Bright: He's my biggest worry right now, because this will be the first time I've spent a night (let alone 2 weeks) away from him since he came home on June 15, 2007. Of all the kids, Bright's need for me is almost like a physical need--like he needs food or water. I am HIS mommy. It's very humbling to feel such love. He hugs and carresses and kisses and pats me constantly. And when he's not in a good place nobody else will do besides mommy.

At the same time, Bright has had an amazing transition to our family. I don't have any attachment fears for him. He's done phenominal. He goes to other people appropriately and loves Eric and I appropriately. He just has a strong preference for me. Biggest mama's boy ever!

So I really don't know how it will go. I think he will ACT fine while I'm gone. Kids live in the moment. But will he "punish" me when I get back home (like Taevy does)? Will he assume that I've left him and he needs to move on since I'm not around anymore? Or will he run to me with open arms, forgiving me immediately for leaving him? Lord, let him forgive me.

Eric: Eric is very understanding of my job and totally supports me going to Ghana. His parents are less supportive but Eric is quick to defend the importance (his word) of my work. He imposes no guilt on me. Yet, I can't help but worry that he will get low (sugar low) and nobody will catch it because I'm not there. Or who will help him in the middle of the night when he has a problem with the dialysis machine? Lord, take care of him in my absence.

Please keep my family in your prayers in the coming weeks.

Anita

4 comments:

Kristin Jag 10:03 PM  

Anita, I can imagine how you are feeling and my heart aches for you. You and your family will be in my prayers the whole time you are gone. It means so much that you are sacrificing this time with your family to go and help the rest of us to complete our families. Thank you so much!(By the way,I am feeling a little of that "mom guilt" now that you are going to Ghana to help us, and at the same time having to leave your kiddos).

Jim & Laurel 12:19 AM  

Let's pray for each other. :)

The longest we have ever been away was 6 days, and now we are leaving 8 kids home for 18 days. Yikes! Wish we had grandparents involved in our kids' lives.

But ... we too are called to go, and we must trust the Lord to take care of things in our absence.

Laurel

Zimmerman family 11:53 PM  

Anita, We will pray for you. I know how it is leaving little ones. When I traveled to pick up Million and Genet, I was gone for almost two weeks and my youngest was 20 months. It was hardest on her because she didn't know where I went. It was hard on me too. I will keep you in my thoughts and in my prayers. (Not hard since I am constantly thinking about our new little one to be). Take care and enjoy Ghana! Your family will be fine. :)

Salome's Mom 10:04 AM  

Anita, you will be OK and so will your babies. Enjoy your trip, you are going to help and God will protect you and keep you safe.

Yoli