Monday, June 09, 2008

I need to learn to keep my mouth shut!

[I am going to get back to Samren's story soon. The rest of his story is much harder than the first parts were. Hits me in a deep place and I have to be in the right frame of mind to talk about all of it.]

My AAI families are probably well aware of what I'm going to write about, and talk about it amongst themselves when I'm not "around." For some reason I have just consciously become aware of it!

I have a VERY hard time when one of my AAI families doesn't have an absolutely perfect experience and writes about it on cyberspace. This is absolutely ridiculous because I know in my head that no matter what, international adoption (and particularly international adoption in Ghana) is never going to be perfect!

Still, when someone posts on their blog that they are discouraged or having a hard time with the wait I immediately want to call them or email them to tell them why they shouldn't be discouraged. I want to make it all okay. I want to fix it.

For heaven's sake! Sometimes I'm sure my families just need a chance to vent and "put it out there" without worrying that they will be hearing from me in the next five minutes! I'm sure that my responding to their "down" blogs or emails makes them feel as if they are in some way abnormal because they are discouraged.

I am the QUEEN of venting and crying and being very vocal online when things in my adoptions are not going well. I am a big advocate for people "saying it like it is" online rather than candy-coating everything for appearances. Just take a look at things from October 06 to May 07 on this blog if you have any doubt!

So, to my dear AAI families, yikes! I'm sorry! I hope I haven't made you feel like you aren't supposed to be open when you're struggling. I hope my online presence hasn't made you feel stunted in your ability to vent if you need to.

Sometimes it is so hard to separate my "agency person" self with my "adoptive mom" self. I want to have my cake and eat it too, and that just isn't always possible. I read blogs as an a-mom whose excited to watch others go through the process. But when I respond as an agency person I've switched roles unfairly.

It drives me crazy when I just need to vent to my husband and as soon as I'm done he starts in with trying to fix whatever I vented about. The act of venting IS the fix sometimes! And here I am, doing the same thing to my AAI families as Eric does to me!

So...vent when you need to. I will try to be quiet because I know that a person has to vent sometimes in the adoption process. I will do my utter best not to take it as a failure on my part that your process isn't perfect (which is at the bottom of it when it is all said and done). I will wait for you to contact me if something is bothering you (I hope you will!). And if I can't keep quiet and try to "fix" it when I shouldn't, please know that I do it with the best of intentions! =-)

Anita

4 comments:

Heather 5:21 AM  

Anita, we all love you, and no one talks about you behind your back. I think I can speak for all of us when I say that we know your heart, and that you are one of the big reasons we are all (or at least most) having such a wonderful experience. If anyone blames you for something negative, that is their prob Bob. We got your back (even in cyberspace)!

We're Ghana Adopt 5:34 PM  

Oh Miss Anita - I hope you know how much my family loves you! You have completely gone above and beyond the call of your job and I know that the AAI families know and completely appreciate it.
My thoughts when things that don't go perfect in the "adoption world" is Satan trying to cause commotion to such a perfect situation for children and families. I think as believers we need to keep the perspective and our eyes centered on God.
Hugs coming your way for all you have done for our family!
Chalene

Amalama 5:47 PM  

Hi Anita,

It is hard for me to imagine ANY of your AAI families thinking that your heart, actions, or intentions are anything but what they should be! We all know that international adoption can have complications, but it doesn't make it fun when they happen! ;) At the end of the day, we always know you are there doing all you can to smooth those bumps out for us.

I know, personally, that I do use my blog to vent sometimes. There are not many people in my normal circle of family and friends that really "get it" and so, for me, I need a place to put my feelings out there. But never have I felt anything negative towards you or AAI.

I've been mad at rain storms. I've been upset by lack of resources and opportunities for people that have so little. And yes, I have been discouraged a few times on this journey (totally natural I would think), but I've learned to lean on God more than I ever have in my life. I need Him more than I ever have...

I know everything will all work out and I am forever grateful to you and AAI for your dedication to your families... I think we all know that we are "yours" and that is one of the reasons that I am so glad to be on this journey with this agency. That doesn't mean you can fix everything or prevent every problem, but it does mean you try your best to walk with us and make the journey as easy as possible. :)

Our family loves you and is glad to have you as our guide through this process.

Lovingly,
Miss Fabu :)

A. Gillispie 9:22 PM  

You all are WAY too kind to me. See? You see how I vent and open up on my blog?! LOL! Thanks for your sweetness.
Anita