A Weird Place to Be

I'm in uncharted waters in my life. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mommy. And I've wanted to have a baby or another baby. After Taevy came home I immediately began to wonder when our #2 would arrive and looked forward to that day. I totally enjoyed Taevy, but just knew there was "one more." After Samren came home, even through all of his illness, I knew there was "more" out there. I knew I wasn't done becoming a mommy and I knew I would have at least one more child. I had to wait a lot longer to begin the process for Bright, but eventually it happened.

And now I have three kids. For the first time I am not sure there is "one more." I think about it semi-casually. I put hints into Eric that 4 is a great number. I think about what age and what place another child might come from. I feel like at some point in my life I will probably have four children. Maybe? But there isn't this huge nagging hunger to know WHEN or HOW or WHERE FROM like there always has been before. My family feels right for now. It doesn't feel like anybody is missing at the moment. And since I got married to Eric it has always felt like someone was missing.

Since I have always had that "somebody is missing" feeling it is almost hard for me to admit to myself that my family feels whole at the moment. Maybe I feel this way right now because there is absolutely positively no way we could adopt right now anyway. Maybe I feel this way because deep down I can't imagine what "2 years from now" looks like. Does Eric have a new kidney? Is he healthy? Can he still see or has he gone blind? What is our financial situation? How will my kids feel about adding to our family? It seems impossible to think about #4 when I don't know what #1, #2, and #3's lives will be like at that time--not to mention mine and Eric's.

Another thing is...when I do think about the possibility of #4 I don't necessarily think about Ghana. And that comes with guilt, considering my love for the country, and my job! Right now it's Taevy who so wishes for another child from her area of the world. Bright seems fine right now, and has the personality where I think he always might be. I don't know that he will have that NEED for another African sibling, like I know lots of African kids would desire. So is it Thailand (the closest program to Cambodia)? Or is it through foster care? I don't know. And for some reason I don't feel like I have to know, for the first time in my adult life.

Anita
P.S. I reserve the right to be completely HUNGRY to adopt again within oh....say 7 days! Woman's prerogative!