Vent warning! Word vomit warning!!!
[If you are one of my clients/families and would like to keep thinking of me in a somewhat professional manner, click out now!]
So, this has been a crappy week! And if I remember right, April 11th and 12th of last week stank as well! It really stinks to have so many crappy days in a row when I am at a very happy and wonderful place in my life, generally. What the heck is going on?!
Monday morning well before dawn I feel a little nudge. I figure it's a little weenie dog wanting to go outside. "Go to sleep Lucy." Another nudge. Another nudge. "Fine dog. Get up, let's go out." Except at that moment I wake up enough to feel Lucy against my back and she is NOT causing the nudge. Oh crap. Eric! My "are you low" arm goes against his chest and he's sopping wet with sweat. [It's actually not sweat, the EMT's tell me. They say he's diapharetic. sp?] Not only has he soaked the bed through, but he's convulsing.
Now let me just stop for a moment to say that MY GOD IS SO GOOD. 95 times out of 100 He maneuvers some way for me to wake up, seemingly for no reason, and figure out Eric is low BEFORE he convulses. Just not this time.
I run to the kitchen and grab the pancake syrup. Tip for wives of Type I Diabetics: Pancake syrup is THE best thing to give someone during a low! It's thick enough that they won't choke and is almost all sugar. [Officially, you are not supposed to feed/drink anybody who is convulsing or very low, but tell it to someone else. I've been with this man for 16 years and I know what he can handle. He's convulsing but he's also in some way aware. Your experience may vary.] So...I manage to get 6 spoonfuls of syrup down Eric. Waiting. Still convulsing. OH DANG IT! In my half-awake state I got the sugar-free syrup. And now my allotted number of spoonfuls of syrup (before he refuses to take anymore) are used up. And I have no juice and no pop. NOTHING with sugar to drink in the house.
I manage to get a spoon of real syrup into his mouth. It's just enough to bring him out of convulsions, but he is INCREDIBLY belligerent. If you've never seen a person with very low blood sugar, it's basically like having a drunk in the house. Sometimes they are funny drunks. Sometimes they are really MEAN drunks. Eric was a very MEAN drunk on Monday morning. He was screaming mean things at me. He was physical. At one point he put his fist back and threatened to punch me. This is *NOT* my husband. This is my husband with no sugar in his brain. He can't help it. That, unfortunately, does not mean it doesn't hurt. =-(
Now, for my Christian friends who believe in spiritual battle on earth--this particular low felt VERY much like a demonic battle to me. I promise I don't jump to that conclusion lightly. I have never said that about another single "low" my husband has had since I've known him. This one was different. It was like a demon was in control. It was worse than "my husband with no sugar in his brain."
By this time I had to call 911 because I had a belligerent husband that refused to take any sugar by mouth. I couldn't force him. I began to pray over him. He reacted violently to that act. "GET OUTTA HERE! GET OFF ME!" He did not like my Bible laying on his body. I kept praying and this "alternative Eric" kept screaming at me. Eventually I felt like I was literally battling a demon in my husband. Oh my, I'm sure I sounded like something else! [The kids later confirmed that they figured out mommy was just talking to a demon, not their daddy!] Eric started burping and gagging (which some people say are signs of when a demon is being kicked out of a body) but he continued his belligerent behavior. I talked as if to this other being and said, "EMSA is on the way and once they get here you will be OUT of control! THEY will have stuff you can't keep out of his body!" This....presence...just laughed at me. Ugh.
Eventually EMSA came. As soon as they walked in Eric began to cooperate, even though he was obviously still very low. His blood sugar was 29. Within a few minutes the D-50 had done it's job and he was his normal self. [As an aside, one of the EMT's was wearing hiw "weird" bracelet. Check out www.lifechurch.tv if you don't know what that is. It was cool to know we were dealing with a fellow believer, and before he left he said he'd be praying for us.]
This all lasted about an hour and a half. Honestly, I just felt exhausted after it was all over. Physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Eric can't hardly believe the way I say he is in that state. And certainly, having someone tell you that it was like there was a demon in you isn't exactly what you want to hear! Every bone in my body hurt. I don't know why my body responded that way once it was all over. It just did. Eric worked from home on Monday. I went back to bed until noon because I felt like I just couldn't function.
That was Monday.
Yesterday nothing so horrible happened, but my spirit is just very down. It was one of those days where the enemy whispered things into my ear all day and he eventually made me believe them. Anita, you are such a bad mom. Anita, look at the condition of this house. Anita, you are so unorganized you forgot an appointment with one of your families! Basically, Anita, you suck. I was snappy to my kids. I asked my hubby to make dinner even after he had been at work all day. The kids were fighting. Just "one of those days."
That was Tuesday.
This morning I had an appointment with a sleep specialist at 9:15. This office (can you believe it?!) does not allow children under 12 in the office! It was just a consult and I figured it wouldn't be too long, so I left the big kids in charge and headed out at 9am. [Our neighbor is "on call."] I filled out six pages of questions about everything with my health, obviously with an emphasis on sleep stuff. [I have horrible insomnia and thought that's why I was referred. Like, bad insomnia. Like, it takes 2 hours for an ambien to work IF it works, insomnia.] I'm pretty sure one of the sheets was a depression survey so I got to answer questions like, "Do you feel like a failure?" "Are you harder on yourself than other people?" "Do you seem more irritable lately?" Well, yes, yes, and yes, but this is just a bad week, I promise! LOL!
I go in to see the doctor. She seems sweet enough, until she opens her mouth. She had me pegged for sleep apnea before she even asked me a question. I got to hear her tell me how fat I was, and how I needed to lose weight. She described in wonderful detail about how my neck is so fat that the weight of it us crushing my airway when I sleep. NOTHING puts me in a better mood than hearing a doctor state the obvious (I'm overweight) and blame all of my health issues on it. Umm...doc, ever heard of fibromyalgia? [I really think it was pretty foreign to her, for real.] I got to explain to the doc that we fibro folks don't get happy endorphins from exercise. It actually exhausts us and gives us really bad pain days thereafter. I got to explain that while I am trying to lose weight and do as much physical activity as I can, my doctor is just glad I'm not gaining, because most fibro patients gain, not lose. "Oh." she says. "Well, I've never heard of such a thing." Obviously.
I got to explain how I need 12 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period to have a relatively well managed pain day. "Oh, but nobody NEEDS 12 hours of sleep. If I were telling myself I had to get 12 hours I'm sure I'd be laying awake some of that time too!" Umm, no doc. It's getting to sleep that's my problem, not staying asleep. I promise I can sleep 12 hours and only after that 12 hours do I feel refreshed! Do YOU have fibro? I've played around with this a LOT so that I can take less pain meds. I'd rather sleep more and take less pills, thanks.
She does make a good point that if I have sleep apnea, I am not getting quality sleep. I agree with her. We both agree that if I had better quality sleep I might not "feel" as if I need 12 hours of sleep in a day. That would be great. I don't value going to sleep at 9pm, the same time as my children! I'm sure I probably do have sleep apnea. I've got all of the signs. Let's just say I'm not looking forward to sleeping with that stupid mask thing over my face, but I suppose I'll do it to make sure I'm around for Eric and the kiddos. I've got an overnight sleep study on June 10th.
When I get home a little after 10 I see my kids have not done their morning chores. They are scurrying to do them when I come in. They are supposed to be done by 10 so that we can start school at that time. By 10:30 they are finished and I sit down to do my work while they sit down to do theirs. Oh but wait. What is this? An email notice from nickjr.com that my child has visited this morning? Wonderful. Thus starts another drama wherein I learn that my big kids have AGAIN snuck onto the computer in my absence. Samren went to nickjr. Taevy went to read blogs and check her email.
Between my work and ranting at the kids I drowned my sorrows in a huge bowl of spaghetti and 2 pieces of bread, followed by a candy bar. That's the perfect and logical reaction to kids' misbehavior and the doctor telling me how fat I am, right? Ugh.
This computer thing is an ongoing frustration in our house. I really would have unplugged the stupid computers by now except that their school is an ONLINE school! As I type this, Eric is on his computer comparing Net Nanny and other internet/parental controls. This issue will soon be under control, but that doesn't hit at the core of MY issues with this.
My kids are sneaking. My eldest LIED to me when I caught her. Over and over again. That really truly hurts. I suppose this is all normal parent/child stuff but it sucks. I really do not like distrusting my children. Beyond the fact that I am scared for them with the internet fascination, it hurts to be betrayed by them. Give me 3 year old tantrums over this tween sneaky stuff any day of the week. I miss my babies being babies. =-(
So, that is the week thus far. Pretty crappy. And my attitude isn't helping. [I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with the time of the month.] I've put up the white flag for the rest of the week. I'm taking the rest of the week off from work and am bound and determined to just focus on being mom. I wish it wasn't going to have to be "discipline mom." Unfortunately, the big kids will be either doing school, doing chores, or writing sentences until we leave for Grandma's house on Friday afternoon. No pre-Easter fun for them. But hey--me and the little kids can rock out some pre-Easter fun in the mean time.
Ho. Hum. Here's to a better week next week.
P.S. I just read this entire post. Funny what is right in front of your face sometimes, but not obvious to you. Do you THINK maybe satan would get a kick out of ruining Easter week for a Christian family? Duh! Good greif. This is why I write it all down. =-)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Vent warning! Word vomit warning!!!