Wednesday, November 07, 2012

I'm going to start purging now (hopefully not in real life)

It's about 15 minutes until I go to pick up Eric from work and I've found myself with a few minutes to spare.  I do really have some nice things to share about my trip to Ghana, but right now isn't that moment.  I feel bad I didn't write during my trip, but my trip was filled with lots of things I wasn't expecting (including a lot less internet time than usual), and there wasn't time for reflection while I was there.

Last night after I posted the really quick post I stopped to consider WHY I haven't written on my blog more in the past several weeks.  There are a handful of reasons, but the one reason that sort of covers them all, is that you don't feel that you have any right to complain about life not going well when you made a huge change in your life IN ORDER FOR IT TO GO BETTER.

Maybe I resigned from my agency position just before things in my life were going to get REALLY tough?  Maybe the act of resigning has caused more trouble than I ever imagined, and I'm tired of dealing with the aftermath.  Maybe I feel confused because the act of resigning hasn't changed my life all that much?  [At least not yet.  Not while the agency is still so much a part of each day.]  I don't know.  Seems like all of the above.

What I know is that things are tough.  There.  I've said it.  It's not some blissful life now that I've resigned.  I'm sure lots of folks feel really glad to hear me say that because they would really like for me to PAY for messing up their life by putting my own ahead of theirs.  [Don't assume people aren't like this unless you've seen the behind-the-scenes of my life these past six weeks.] 

I have had much more time with my children, and for that I am grateful.  I started spending more time with them right before they started self-destructing.  They needed their mom.  They need their mom.

I have spent a fraction of time online than I used to.  Maybe an average of 1-3 hours a day.  It used to be 10-12 hours on an AVERAGE day.  Lots of people say "good for you" when I say this.  But that only lasts until they need me for something.  Then it's really hard for them to wait.  It's really hard for everybody to get used to this "new" Anita who puts family first and isn't there for them as soon as they email.  And it's hard for me too, because I'm used to being "that" Anita.  Learning new habits are hard.  But these are the right new habits to learn.

I think the thing I am most discouraged about, and the thing I asked your prayer for, is my health.  Since I returned from Ghana something is wrong.  It's as if my Fibromyalgia medications work at 30% of what they were working before I left.  Every day is filled with SUCH pain.  And some days are migraine/sick-at-my-stomach days on top of it.  I know, I know.  Get to the doctor.  But did I mention the part where life feels totally crazy even without the job?  And ya know how you feel when you have the flu?  Do you feel like going to do the doctor then?  Right.  Me neither.  [And I don't have somebody to drive me when I'm sick.]  But something is off, and I know I'll need to go.  Whey you have Fibro it's scary going to the doctor because of the very real possibility that your doctor will say "this is it, the rest of your life."  No more medicine to give.  Sitting here in pain with the hope that I could go to her and have a different outcome is somehow better than going to her and hearing that there is nothing she can do. 

Pain.  This causes me to want to hide away in the only way I can.  Sleep.  Sleep is the only way to get away from it.  So my goal each day is simply to stay awake instead of taking a nap to avoid the pain.  Some days I succeed but far too many I fail.  And then the guilt sets in.  I have no job, and yet I am still failing my kids--still not giving them the time they deserve.  The kids don't complain about me not being there for them, but some of the adoptive families I don't work for anymore *DO*.  Ironic, eh?

So there.  I have purged.  Purging isn't pretty.  This is the not-so-pretty stuff going on in my life right now.  Of course there are beautiful moments, and moments of less-pain.  Life goes on and God is so merciful as to give us glimpses of the Sun even on rainy days.  I'm sure everything will be fine, but this is life for now.  Just like always, it feels better now that all this disgusting stuff is out.

5 comments:

Heather 5:25 PM  

My friend, I wish I had words of comfort and wisdom. . . but all I can say is that I'm sorry things are still sucky. Sorry that you can't be finished with agency stuff already.

And I'm sorry the fibro is SO much worse. I can't imagine what living with that kind of pain must be like. Love you and sending lots and lots of prayers on your behalf.

Mama Ds Dozen 9:56 PM  

Sorry for all the pain.

Sorry for the agency / adoptive family YUCK.

Glad you purged. Hope it made you feel better.

Hugs & Prayers!

Laurel :)

Nora 1:50 PM  

Praying for you, Anita. I hope things will look up for you soon!

Cindy 2:41 PM  

Sorry for all the lousy crap Anita. You are amazing. ((hugs))

Renee 9:16 PM  

Praying for you!!! I am sorry for this time of trail and tribulations. Praying for rest in all areas and peace.