I received an email from someone who's been reading this blog for years. She asked if I was okay, since I haven't posted in a few months. And of course, if you aren't facebook friends with me, how would you know? Yes, I'm okay. Still around. Still mothering and "wifing" and rambling on with life. =-)
I've asked myself at least once a week why I don't blog like I used to. I miss it myself. I often have the beginnings of a post in my head, but it turns into nothing, or I decide it's not really worthy of being put out on the internet for all to read.
It seems I've lost my voice. I used to feel I had something to contribute to the larger "out there" community. I felt there was something somewhat unique about my life, seeing as how I worked for an adoption agency and am also an adoptive mom. I had strong opinions on things. I saw things from behind the scenes. Not to mention that I had plenty of cute kid stories to share! ;-)
A bit more than a year ago I gave up my voice. I resigned my position from the agency, and in doing so, I let go of the thing that made me somewhat unique. I let go of the thing that made me somewhat of an expert on international adoption (or at least on Ghana adoption). I actually worked hard the first several months to purposely pull myself away from those that might feel they needed to hear my voice. I succeeded.
Now my life is so different. I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined that I would be as busy as I am. I was on the computer 60-80 hours a week when I worked for an agency. Most of that time was work, but in the lulls between emails there was time to do blog posts and keep up with all the online adoption groups. When I gave that up, I imagined I would have a ton of free times on my hands. I imagined being bored, or having time to crochet my dream projects, or being completely organized in my home life. Ha!
My life is so different. But not in a bad way. Where I used to spend maybe 12 hours a day on the computer, I now spend maybe 2...maybe. Sometimes none at all. This is because I now teach my children. They used to be on a homeschool regimen where they were self-directed for 95% of the time. I was there if they had questions, but the computer or whatever center I laid out for them did the teacher. It's hard for me to admit, but there were times when I really didn't even know what they were learning in school. Now, I teach them. Now, we learn together each day. Now, I know if Taevy is struggling with verb phrases and Samren is a rock star at History. Now I get to enjoy each day when my littles snuggle into my lap before nap when I read to them for "literature."
I used to dream about this life I'm living now. I used to want to be this kind of homeschooler, knowing I could never be that with a full time work-at-home job. Now I am living that dream. Is it sometimes more like a nightmare? Sure! We have very bad days. The days when I feel like they aren't learning anything and worry about someone falling behind. But I'm learning that that is better than living in ignorance of what they are learning. My children are telling me this is their best year of school ever, because they get to hang out with me now, and I'm not on the computer all the time.
My free time for the computer is typically used to build up Eban Project, the non-profit I pray the Lord will bless and grow. He has not released me from Ghana yet. Ghana is still part of what I am supposed to be "doing" even if it is in a volunteer capacity. Eban Project is about providing love, safety, and security for Ghana's orphans and vulnerable children (and those that love them). Some days I don't know if we will ever grow, but I know that the Lord will make it what He intends it to be.
This is my life now. It's not flashy anymore. I don't have a unique or dramatic or controversial opinion to share anymore. I'm just another homeschooling mama with everyday challenges and victories. I'm sure I'll continue to blog when something is on my heart to share (or when I have a cute kid story) but I have come to accept that those posts will be fewer and farther between than they used to be. I'm at a different point in my life, and that's okay. The business I feel now is fulfilling in a different way than before--a good way--and I thank God for the opportunity to live this life.