Monday, July 03, 2006

The Conflict...

Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever. As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the LORD surrounds his people both now and forevermore.
Psalms 125:1-2
This verse encouraged me this afternoon. I just don't know what the Lord has in store for our second child. It seems unlikely that we would get a referral for a young boy within a month from Ghana, but then again I know the Lord could certainly do that if it were His will. I WANT to get totally okay with our second child being in that 3-5 year old range but my heart just can't totally let go of the thought of a baby. I longed for a baby for so many months. If Eric and I only adopted one child, it was going to be a baby because I wanted a baby one last time. And yet the Lord seems to have called us to adopt from a place where babies may not be available.
How do I reconcile all of this? Have we made a wrong turn along the way? I still feel like our children are in Ghana. Eric suggested that maybe we should leg to of Juliet's referral and wait for a baby, then choose an older child second. But that doesn't sit well with me at all. I have complete peace that Juliet is meant to be our Kendi. COMPLETE! Just because I hope for a baby doesn't take away from the joy that I have in having identified her.
I don't know if I have a selfish human desire for a baby and the Lord doesn't intend that for us, or if I should continue to stand strong in my faith that HE is the Dream-Giver! I know He will give us the child that is intended for our family--I just don't know if I'm wise enough to recognize that child when He sends him!
I've asked Eric to pray about the possibility of going forward with Kendi's adoption and continuing to wait for a young boy referral for as long as that might take. That means that I would need to make two trips to Ghana. Of course, I am all for this! I relish the thought of getting to go twice, and also like the thought of having Kendi for a while by herself (with Taevy and Samren) while we continue to wait for her little brother to come home. Eric didn't say no but I know that would be his immediate response to such a request. I'm glad he was quiet and just said he would pray about it.
I want to fully let go of this desire for a baby and be completely accepting and in love with whatever child the Lord sends to us. The fact that that hasn't happened yet just kind of concerns me. Is this an "in the flesh" desire or a desire the Lord has placed on my heart? I just know that when I see the pictures of babies that others are bringing home I have thoughts of sadness, like "I wish we could have gotten a baby."
Sorry to ramble on so. I am just very confused. But the verse at the top of this post did truly send chills down my body this afternoon. It spoke to me in a special way. I'm trying to become brave enough to have faith that the Lord will give us a baby (and by baby I mean a child under 2 when he comes home). It's hard being brave sometimes.
Love, Anita