Wednesday, July 19, 2006

An email I sent to friends...

Thank you so much my friends, for your prayers and words of encouragement. I'm a pretty sad mommy right now.

Per our agency director it is looking very much like children under 2 won't be able to be placed through Ghana. She is going to Ghana the last 1/2 of August and said she will find out for certain when she is there--asked us to give her another 5 or 6 weeks.

This all sent me into a tailspin last night. And Eric too. This whole time he has been so vocal about us only taking ONE more adoption trip. He hates having our family split up (me gone and him with the kids, relying on his mom for childcare and transportation). Last night when he heard Lois' news he got really frustrated--started suggesting that we just let Kendi Juliet's referral go, or stop the process all together, or only get one child. He just really flipped out. He also got really vocal about all the fees with adoption and how it is just giving him a sick feeling in his gut. I tried to explain that we haven't considered ANY programs that would be considered high fees, but he wasn't ready to hear it.

So last night I stayed up extremely late researching all of our options. Haiti, domestic private, domestic foster adopt, Liberia, etc. After I finished my manic search for information I lay down to pray and try to make sense of all of this. Why has this adoption path been so winding? Why are we feeling called to a place just to have to go somewhere else? Are we supposed to adopt Juliet in Ghana? Are we supposed to adopt at all? I mean, I put everything on the table. I pleaded for the Lord to just SPEAK to me, to SHOUT answers to me. I prayed for a few hours over all of this and the only thing I heard, over and over and over again, was "WAIT." I almost didn't want to admit to myself that I was hearing that word--"wait"--because that is not what my flesh wants to do! My flesh wants to hurry down every path that could possibly lead us to our baby boy!

But I am His child. And I like being His child. So for now we just wait. I'm assuming the Lord means for us to wait until Lois is back from Ghana to make changes, but all I know for sure is that we're to wait today. I feel so selfish asking for you to continue to pray for us, because I know that whether or not we adopt a baby boy is not the end of the world. But in the midst of all of my adoption "hormones" it feels that way to me! Please pray that our baby boy is revealed to us soon. I just can't get it out of my head that our children are supposed to be home by Christmas.

BTW, Eric and I were blessed with kids who slept in and that gave us an hour to talk about everything this morning. He is much more calm about it all today. He accepts that Kendi Juliet is our daughter. He has accepted that we may be pursuing two adoptions from two different countries. I don't know yet if he has quite accepted the additional expense another adoption from another place may require, but there is time for that.