Taevy turned 8 years old today. How does that happen?! I look at friends' blogs where kids are in their last year of school, or getting ready to move out of the house, and my palms get sweaty. I know some parents get to the point where they want to be empty nesters but I don't really ever want that (maybe I'll feel differently in 10-15 years?).
Taevy was just so tiny when we got her. Such a ball of energy and sprite. I had no clue what I was doing, but she wasn't wise to that. Somehow, the Lord gave me a daughter that is so much like me in so many ways, it uncanny. She and I have the same issues with grief and trauma and fear of abandonment--even though the issues are there for different reasons. There's something deep and fierce the way I love her. It's like we're always fighting to hold on to each other, even though neither of us ever intends to "go" anywhere!
Thankfully it's not just the heavy stuff that we have in common. Taevy is intensely creative (for her it's writing and drawing and clothing design--for me it was music and writing). She is absolutely SURE that she is going to become a teacher, and I don't question that for two big reasons. First, I knew I wanted to be a teacher from that age and that's exactly what I became (elementary music specialist). I'm not teaching kids anymore, but what I do for AAI is mostly about teaching none the less! Second, I don't question Taevy about her desire to teach because she couldn't be more serious about it. Her bedroom is set up like a school room--complete with literacy, art, music, and science centers! At the top of her wish list is "Teacher Stuff." She doesn't "play" school with the boys. She DOES school--and my boys actually learn from her!
Taevy is my only girl and will likely always be my only girl. I joke that one girl is enough for me and the rest of my children (if there are any) can be boys. Taevy is NOT easy to parent. But when I really think about it, I think that I am probably a bit scared to adopt another girl. I might be a bit afraid that I couldn't love another girl like I do Taevy. And I'm probably a little selfish thinking about another girl coming in and needing "girl time" when right now "girl time" is just me and Taevy.
Words that describe Taevy: Creative, gifted in teaching, socially awkward, a giver, a FORgiver, stunning on the outside and a beautiful bud trying to blossom on the inside; unsure of who she is; loving and cuddly; embarrassed easily; wants to stand out not because she's Asian, but rather because of the "against the flow" things she's into; scared to love too much; willing to try.
Tonight at Target I was scoping out possible Christmas presents for the kids and took Taevy to the bedding area. She is switching bedrooms and I see a new bedroom set in her future. My little girl has given up all things frilly and pink and instead was immediately drawn to sets with blacks and browns, reds, and oranges. Her favorite was a "Rock Star" themed bed in a bag. It looks like the 80's vomited on it. So hard to let go of the sweet frilly thing she used to be and turn around to see a "tween" that would like very much if I let her paint her fingernails black and never bought her pink again!
Whatever she is....whomever she becomes...no matter how many times each week she makes me bang my head against a wall...I absolutely adore my Taevy Baby. My big 8 year old daughter that, in my minds eye, is still a tiny 12 pound ball of energy and sprite.