Monday, May 18, 2009

Weary

Do you ever just get weary. The kind of weary that isn't just physical; isn't just emotional; isn't just spiritual; it's all. That's how I feel today. If I close my eyes I see a mocked up version of myself, carrying something heavy on my shoulders. Walk so slowly, trying to get to my destination, and myself so thirsty that I feel I can't go on without refreshment.

What is that verse? Like cool water to a weary soul, is good news from a distant land. (something like that)

I didn't sleep last night. Not "I didn't sleep well." I didn't sleep--at all. When I close my eyes I think of Ghana. What time is it there? Is something there waiting for something from me? I think of emails in my inbox that I didn't get to yet...waiting there for me...calling out at me to get out of bed and reply. But better judgement keeps me in bed. Instead, I sit and compose emails in my mind so that I can get them off faster the next morning. Good strategy, right?

I love Ghana. I love Ghana's vulnerable children and families. I feel a call on my life to do what I can to support them. But sometimes....just every once in a while....I desire to click my Ghana button off. I no longer remember what it is like to have a whole day where I didn't think about Ghana or adoption. And it's nobody else's fault but mine. It's not that I have some slave driver of a boss that requires me to work 6am to 10pm 7 days a week. It's not that my boss wouldn't say, "Sure, take a day off!" It's me that is unable to truly step away even when I do have a day "off."

Ghana wafts through me like the smoke off of burning trash heaps. She digs inside of me like a parasite. She is struggle, and joy. Red Red and Fried Plantains are Ghana. Spicy hot red red, burning me, and sweet cool plantains, bringing me comfort. Ghana is all of these things to me. there is no escaping her because we are now one. Turning off my Ghana button would be like ignoring my own newborn baby. I need Ghana, even when she keeps me up at night.

7 comments:

Nicole Anderson 5:22 AM  

I could not have said it better. Thank you so much for sharing.

Amy 9:07 AM  

My friend, I wish I could hug you right now. You do sound weary...

The one thing I would say on the line of advice is that if you want to last, you have to find a way to avoid burning out. If you can't mentally step away, that might be impossible to avoid. I SO know, from experience, that it is much easier said than done, but truly, I know your love for Ghana and I think Ghana needs you! I hope you'll try to find a way to give yourself some respite. :) Remember, God can handle that stuff that is keeping you up at night. He doesn't get weary and He doesn't need you to worry- He needs you to trust Him.

Love you,
Amy

Jennifer 9:55 AM  

I feel the same way about India!!

We are Grateful!!! 4:58 PM  

Wow...I can totally relate. Several years ago, we applied for and got a grant to reach out to the villages of Alaska. I praised God and knew it could have only been from Him, yet in my perfectionism, i HAD to do the best job in the three years i was given. I was on a timeline. It drove me to burnout. I didn't sleep very well for a couple years. It affected my health and my family. It wasn't good. I even hung a sign over my office door early on "The grant is not God!!!" I pray that you will see that mental sign "Ghana is not God!!!"...garden, take long walks, visit friends, read a book (that doesn't have to do with Ghana)...take mental and physical "time outs".
Praying for you!!!
Tami

A. Gillispie 8:11 PM  

Thanks for the comments everybody. I was SO TIRED last night. I needed to get stuff off my chest, but I think I made myself sound worse than I am! I was just saying that Ghana is IN me. I don't want it to be any other way 95% of the time. But every once in a while I want Ghana not to be the first thing that comes to mind when I start my prayers. CERTAINLY it is God first, family second, and "other" third. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. But when I go to the Lord I am burdened for Ghana, and Ghana's children!

Today was a much better day, after a full night of rest.

Anita

KamPossible 6:16 PM  

I hear your heart. Mine echos. Not as load not as close, but an echo.

I know that you lean on God for strength. He will renew your spirit.

Renee 9:13 PM  

The children of Ghana are blessed to have you on their side.