Sunday, December 13, 2009

Just when you need it...

Last night and this morning were horrible, no good, and very bad. Eric and I have honestly been so discouraged. There have been a series of disappointments with the big kids. Dishonesty and irresponsibility. I won't go into too much detail because they are getting to the age where it might embarrass them. Eric and I haven't come to agreement on what punishment should be, but it could be very BIG. Like, "you can open your gifts but you will not be playing with them until you can show us responsibility for X days." That was all last night.

Then this morning another lie. And a broken nativity (Joseph is once again decapitated). A lost very special headband (spent more on the headband than I would normally spend on a shirt!). All little things that are piling up and feeling very BIG right now.

I finally blew. Just started bawling--about 15 minutes before we were supposed to leave for our Christmas gathering. I mean, I was boo-hooing. So much had built up. A lost headband should not be a big deal. I asked myself, "Anita, WHY does this mean so much to you? WHY do the children have to look perfect?" Well, it's because we take one of our few family pictures of the year at this gathering. I'm usually behind the camera. And I don't know when it's going to be our last family picture. How do I know Eric will be with us next year? So at the bottom of this melt down was the fear that I'm going to lose my husband, mixed with the fear that I'm doing a terrible job parenting my children.

This week we saw a news story that really touched us in a personal way. This is a family that lives here in Tulsa. They have adopted several children (9) domestically and internationally. And the dad? Well, in June he died do to complications with a kidney/pancreas transplant (which was needed because of Type I Diabetes). I wrote to the local newspaper to see if I connect to the family. The folks at the newspaper went out of their way to deliver a printed copy of my email to the family. Can you believe that? And a day later I received an email from the mom (who by all accounts appears to be an amazing person). We've made this really neat connection with a family very much like ours. But I think it brought up fears I don't like to think about much.

Anyway.... I stopped crying in time to get my makeup on and get to our gathering. And it was a wonderful gathering. A scab healed over those open wounds I was feeling. At the end of the evening my Aunt Margaret told me that we were raising 4 wonderful kids. It means *SO* much to me to hear her say that because I think she is the best wife and mother I've ever known (okay besides my own!). She has it all together. I told her I REALLY needed to hear that today. =-)

When I got home I checked email messages, and the Lord sent more encouragement. A reader of this blog wrote after reading about Samren learning to read (and more important, loving it). That person wants to send Samren a book, to encourage him. How awesome is that?! It never ceases to amaze me the connections that can be made through cyber space.

So I was down. Really, really down. But the Lord always seems to send encouragement exactly when I need it. He never fails me. Ever ever.



Laurel 2:14 AM  

So sorry you had a bad day, but glad that the Lord brought you the encouragement that you needed.

I had one of those days, a week ago. Just lost it! My kids just stared at me ... Huh??? No, not the mommy they usually see.

Can't wait to see the Christmas pic!

mama of many

Amy 8:03 AM  

Love you Miss Anita and I am sorry about those fears. I'm sure any human would have those feelings get to them every once in a while. Plus you all have been waiting so long for that kidney...

Anyway, I am glad you are experiencing those blessings we all need when we are feeling low. They make all the difference!


Renee 10:32 AM  


I am so sorry for your hurting heart. We are praying!!!

You are a great Mama and your children are wonderful.. They are sinners of course.. as we all are. I have found when our children's misdeeds are weighing on me so heavily it's because I am projecting too much.. Someone tells a lie they are going to be a horrible husband/wife..they are irresponsible and they are never going to have a job..they sneak something and they are to surely live a life of crime.. I am such a drama queen in my mind.

The reality is is that they are going to make mistakes and do childish things. We deal with them, teach them, and move on. Some lessons need to be repeated but with consistency, love, and a sense of humor we will make it through.

You are doing a wonderful job!