Saturday, January 30, 2010

Like Icecycles

Today was a slow, lazy day. At about 2pm Kendi was ready for a nap, and I was ready for a nice long warm cuddle. We retired to my room where we ended up snuggling up and sharing secrets that are only shared between a mommy and her last baby. It got me thinking about how much I treasure this child. How I would die for her in a heartbeat. And the my mind wondered to that horrible scenario--if I had to pick only one child to live, who would it be? I'm sure no mom would admit if there were one child she would save over the others. But for me it's an impossible question. I think of each one of my children and at any given moment THAT one is my favorite.

Taevy is my beautiful one. She is stunningly beautiful and always has been. When she was a baby we didn't get "she's cute." We got "she's beautiful." The outer beauty is one thing, but Taevy also has an inner beauty that blows me away. She is a caretaker. She is a teacher. She is a humanitarian. And at her core, she is the most sensitive child I have. She's also got the most demons to work through (attachment, ADHD, etc.) so these things aren't always apparent to the casual observer. I feel like I've fought the hardest for Taevy, in some ways. I've fought for her heart. I've fought hard. And so has she. She is my beauty. I could never let her go.

Samren is my joyous one. From day one his smile could light up a room. Even in Vietnam when we had a very gruff embassy worker for the visa, he smiled so brightly that she couldn't help herself but to laugh. His joy radiates from the deepest part of his soul. It's not just a smile or a laugh. His soul is joy. Joy is his gift. And he gifts joy to others. Of course satan fights hard to steal that joy from Samren. But Samren fights back. He is my most perceptive child. I can see him being a pastor. His prayers are deep and heart-felt. He has an understanding of God's love that is far beyond his years. God has had His hand on Samren's life from the very beginning. I think he has a very unique purpose on this earth. I could never let him go.

Bright is my loving one. After a rough first week, Bright loved me with abandon and has never looked back. His love is so deep, his need for love so great, that I sometimes fear I can never love him enough. He would like nothing more than to sit on me or his dad (or his grandparents) and kiss and caress and hug us. He would literally sit and do this all day if I let him. Yes, maybe it's a sign of anxious attachment, but it's still beautiful. I know that Bright will one day treat his wives and daughters will complete adoration. His love will always be a gift to others. I could never let him go.

And then there is Kendi. I was trying to think today, what defines her? For Taevy it is beauty; Samren is joy; Bright is love. The most obvious way to define Kendi is as a survivor. Her tenacity and strong will have saved her. But Kendi is so much more than a survivor to me. She is...I don't know...she is the feeling of completeness. It feels hokey to say "she completes me" but I would be lying if I said that's not how I feel. Kendi fills a special place in my heart that only she could fill. When I look into her eyes there is a deep connection only meant for the two of us. And yet, I know that each member of our family would feel the same way--each one of our family member would feel that there is a unique connection between Kendi and themselves, only meant for each other. I guess, in this way, Kendi is my unifying one. I could never let her go.

I remember wondering who my mom loved "most" when I was growing up--my sister or I. I was more like her. I was better friends with her. I tried harder to please her. Why shouldn't it be me? But that was just the thoughts of a silly little girl who had never experienced loving her own children. Every mother loves each child so differently, but is equally committed to them. No one child can be more important than the other, any more than one icecycle is more beautiful than another.


Michelle 9:13 PM  

My goal is to fill my kids up so much love, confidence, self-worth, and compassion that each of them thinks they are the favorite...but they keep it a secret because they don't want to hurt the feelings of their brothers and sisters!

fullplatemom 1:56 PM  

If only everyone in the world understood this. I feel the exact same way about my kids.