Tuesday, June 28, 2011

So you think you SHOULD adopt? Please don't!

My e-buddy Rachel has put into words so eloquently how I feel about the current push by mainstream Christianity for Christians to adopt. PLEASE READ HER WORDS HERE!

In April I posted about this issue (and you commented) here, here, and here.


CarrieT 12:27 AM  

I totally agree with what you say and your friend on her post. It bothers me that some Christians are pushing adoption like this so much.

It is a tough issue because, like so many controversial things, there is some truth in what they say. The Bible DOES say we should take care of the widows and orphans. And we adoptive parents, of all people, know that there are so many needy children both here in the USA and all around the world.

But I remember when we were considering adoption the first time, some wise agencies told us that the only reason to adopt a child is because you want to grow your family with a new son or daughter. If what you feel is very understandable concern and compassion for needy children, then find a way to help, through prayer, financial support, volunteering, advocating for children, single moms/dads, families caught in poverty, etc.

I remember Martha Osborne of Rainbowkids had a similar comment in a terrific article she wrote on her website about how to know when your family is complete. She said if you want another son or daughter, then you probably should adopt again! But if your main reason for adopting again is to "save" a needy child (soooooo easy to feel like this when you see those faces on the waiting pages), then probably your family is complete already.

I struggle with this myself because my hubby feels STRONGLY that our family is complete, and my head agrees with him. Our resources are very stretched right now (including our emotional resources!). But I get into trouble when I see those waiting child pages!! ;-) So we are looking at ways we can continue to care for needy children even though our family is probably complete.

But some of the really vocal Christian blogs practically make me feel guilty that we ONLY have 4 children rather than adopting 8, 10, or more kids!! And of course the more serious special needs they have, the "better" Christian you are!! (They seem to say!!) This doesn't seem right to me!!

I agree with what the other blog says that some of these families are the ones that may end up in disruption or in divorce because they may find they are in over their heads!!

Of course I am NOT saying this is true of all large adoptive families!!! God definitely has gifted some parents, including some single parents, with the ability to be great parents to LARGE families!! But none of us should feel guilty if God's plan for us is to have 4 kids, or 2, or even 1. And no one should feel guilted into adoption at all nor should they adopt just to "save" a child.

This goes right along with your "ransom" post too (which I also agree with :-)) and is why I protest the use of the word "ransom" when refering to adoption fees.

Carrie T. - mom to 4 from Korea

FullPlateMom 7:02 AM  

AMEN! I have seven kids, but to Carrie who posted above, it is HARD! We were prepared. We soul searched. We didn't do it simply because the bible told us to, and some days I'm still TOTALLY overwhelmed. If a friend, or church, or Pastor (God forbid) is telling you to adopt because you're Christian, then that's CRAP. Sorry, but it's true.

Will the church be there to parent your kid who has RAD? Will they take them to appointments and find you money for therapists? Nope. They'll pray for you, which is great, but it comes down to YOU parenting this child. It's not for every Christian family, and it's not something that should be asked of them.

Sad, and it makes Christians look like crazy whackadoos when someone starts an "orphan ministry" with THIS nonsense at the core of it. How about keeping families together? Want to help with an orphan ministry? Donate to the agencies that are making it possible for women who don't want to make adoption plans to keep their children. If someone like that had come along for my latest two Ghanaian additions, I don't know that they would be with us. It breaks my heart, but it also breaks my heart to see what has been lost with this way of thinking.