Thursday, May 26, 2011

How is it, really?

How is this regulatory parenting stuff going, really? You all know I'm always going to keep it real. So here's some reality for ya!

1. I feel like I'm shoving this down your throats, and I don't want to do that. It's hard not to post about it every day because our life feels turned upside down with this new way of thinking. If you can't stand this stuff, don't worry. I'm pretty sure I'm going to start a blog that will speak specifically about this change in our lives, and will start from the beginning of what this is all about.

2. I am EXHAUSTED! Seriously people. It is hard to move from, "You made a poor choice. Now go to your room!" to "You are having a hard time, aren't you? Come over here baby, and let's talk." One of the keys to success with this is to keep MY stress in check. Hello. I take anti-anxiety meds and have my own stress triggers to deal with! It's HARD to keep myself regulated so that I can help my kids.

3. I love that Eric and I are such a team. When I'm about to lose it, he comes in to save me. When he's about to lose it, I come in to save him. When we both lose it at the same time, we forgive ourselves and move on. Nobody's perfect.

4. 2 of my kids are MILKING IT BIGTIME!!! I asked my trainer about this before the class even ended, because I could tell that Sam was going to milk it. Basically, my trainer said to let him milk it. He needs to do it to trust that this is for real (that mommy/daddy really have changed). But it is exhausting! And it's hard to not tell him, "You are not stressed! You just don't want to do laundry!" LOL! One of my new friends from training has been doing this very successfully with her family for over a year (and teaching classes as well). Hopefully she'll have some good tips for me. =-)

5. I have never felt so mcuh love between myself and my children. Never. It's pretty good for a marriage as well!

6. My 10 year old who was moving away from me at a rapid place (into pre-teenager angst) is moving towards me again. She can't wait for 10-20-10 time. [10 minutes of quality time in morning--20 after school--10 in the evening.] She can't wait for the talk we all have before bed. She is more huggy and talky and laughy and trusting. Seeing the result in her helps to keep me going.

7. Kendi hardly cries anymore! This is just crazy because for 2 years we have dealt with her crying 50 times a day "for no reason." Just cuing into the fact that she was stressed is all it has taken. It's crazy good. She maybe cries 2-3 times a day now.

8. Samren. He's milking it. Hard to tell what is real with him right now, except that he REALLY needs to see that mom and dad are committed to this.

9. Bright. Bright is moving from a place where he grunted and raged to a place where he busts out bawling. I see this as a good move, since crying is closer to the core emotion (fear) than raging/grunting. He cries (BIG); he needs a big long hug and reassuring words; he stops crying; he moves on. This process takes maybe 60 seconds, but it's 30-40 times a day. I definitely wears on me after a while. At the same time, I see that he is learning to recognize his stress. Him walking to me for comfort is success! Before he just felt lost and exploded wherever he was.

10. Oxytocin. Bryan Post gave us each a bottle of manufactured oxytocin during the training. It's not exactly the same as what our brains produce--not as good--but it is supposed to help around 90% of the people who use it (going by memory here, so don't quote me). It's six drops under the tongue. Tastes like winter mint gum. I've been taking it once a day, around mid-morning when I'm starting to wear thin. I don't notice ANY affects, except that I'm able to keep the stress at bay. I don't feel MORE happy or MORE smiley. I just feel MORE able to do what I need to do with my kids.

11. Family Bed(room). How many times can I say exhausting in one post?! The kids; the dogs; the noise; oh my! On one hand I love knowing that my entire family is within a 12X13 span of space. We are all safe. On the other hand, it's like walking in a mine field trying to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night! And Taevy--I swear--has entire conversations out loud while she sleeps! I keep pushing that the kids CAN sleep in our room but they don't HAVE to. [The hope here is that the 2 that don't really need to be there will get tired of sleeping on the hard floor and go back to their beds, and that the other two will get the reassurance they need and eventually move out as well.] So far, everybody is stickin' to their guns and sleeping on the hard floor. So be it. Eric bought them all new sleeping bags tonight. =-)

Love to all,



Christy 12:55 PM  

I am so very intrigued by this methodology. I am unfamiliar with it, but eager to learn! My eldest daughter (9) has moderate-severe anxiety issues and, like your Taevy, is hitting that tween angst & withdrawing from me. Today I got a call from her school about some VERY unacceptable behaviors (breaking at least 3 of the 10 commandments!). I know a lot of it is stress-driven, and she is getting professional help for that, but this parenting philosophy that you're using seems like it could be of tremendous benefit to my Ivy as well. Do you have any online resources you can point me toward to research this more? I know you mentioned taking a class...but I've never seen anything like this offered in our area. Thanks so much.
Keep up the great work...I love reading your blog! :)

A. Gillispie 10:31 PM  

Christy, I'm so glad that this method is speaking to your heart! Just google "Bryan Post" or "The Post Institute." I recommend you start with the books "The Great Behavior Breakdown" or "From Fear to Love." I am now certified to teach this method, which I plan to do after I get back from Ghana. I can do classes online through webinar software and conference call. From there, if you would like to teach this to others, you can actually go to a 3 day training where you become certified. Start with the books though! Oh--and I think Post has a free webinar on Oxytocin on the web. Definitely watch that as it's amazing stuff!

Christy 8:00 AM  

Thanks Anita! I'll see if I can buy those books today. I'd love to take a webinar course if you decide to offer it. Looks like I'll be in Ghana for court in late July & I think you're going in June, right? Anyway...whenever you do it, please let me know. Thanks so much.
God bless!

RACHEL 4:10 PM  

Ha! I love the picture of everyone sleeping together! So cute!