Oxytocin Factor

I know I've written about Oxytocin before, but it has been a while. I first learned about Oxytocin from Bryan Post. It's known as the "cuddle" hormone. It is the hormone in our body that is released in an effort to calm fear, anxiety, and pain. We make oxytocin naturally when we laugh, or cuddle, or have s*x, or do other calming/feel good things. I think it should be all of our goals to try to build up our oxytocin each day! If you do a 6-second hug, oxytocin will be released. How easy is that?!

Unfortunately, some of us have a higher level of pain/anxiety/fear than our natural oxytocin can handle. Believe it or not, they have made a manufactured version of the natural hormone. It isn't as good as the real thing--nothing is--but it can really be a help for most people. [There is a small percentage of people who don't receive a benefit from manufactured oxytocin.]

When I attended the Great Behavior Breakdown training this spring, Bryan Post gave each of the attendance a sample bottle of oxytocin drops. I asked if it was appropriate for kids. His answer was that it's more important that parents are in a calm state, so that we can guide our children to become calm with natural oxytocin. However, he said that for some kids with significant anxiety, oxytocin can make a big difference.

I took the bottle home and didn't try it for several days. There was one day the next week when it was total chaos around here. I thought it might be the PERFECT time to see if these little drops could really make a difference in my state of mind.

I didn't notice any big jolt of happiness (although some people report feeling really happy after about 10 minutes). What I did notice is that the things that were taking me outside of my "window of tolerance" just half an hour before, were now manageable. I was in a better state of mind to help my kids and navigate our day in a successful way. I think most people take it two times a day (6 drops) but I found just one time a day was enough to take the edge off of my daily anxiety.

A few days later, Bright was completely out of control. Or rather, his anxiety was controlling him. [We think anxiety is at the root of most of his issues.] I knew the oxytocin wouldn't hurt him, so I decided to see if it would help him. He thought it tasted good (it does--sort of like a breath freshener). Again, I didn't see a "false" person after he took the drops. Bright was still Bright, and I still saw anxiety-driven behaviors. However, the level of the behaviors was not so over the top. It was obvious that the extra bit of oxytocin helped to take the edge off of his anxiety. He also slept better during naptime and during the night (a huge struggle for him).

It became sort of a joke in our house when somebody was stressing. "Uh-oh, I think you need some blue bottle!" [It comes in a blue bottle.]

I took the "blue bottle" with me to Ghana in anticipation of stressful days there. Unfortunately, it spilled. Darn! To be honest, I have missed having it on those extra-stressful days. However, it isn't super cheap. $60 for a month's worth.

I got an email from Bryan Post today letting us know that there is a deal going on right now where you can try a month's worth of oxytocin for free (plus $10 shipping and handling). Good deal! I just ordered our free sample, and also signed up for a monthly "club" where a new bottle will be delivered each month, at a total of $46 a month (and free shipping). It's worth that to our family, to be honest.

If you are interested in trying oxytocin for your family you can just CLICK HERE. I can't say for sure if it will help the stress level in your house, but it certainly helps the stress level in ours. Our goal is still to build up our natural oxytocin, but for those days when the need is more than the supply, we'll be glad to have the little blue bottle around!

Love,

Anita

P.S. If you order, after you order they will take you to advertisements for a few more products (annoying), but after 2 products you'll be done.

Lost my Mojo--Part 2

Hey!

I think I portrayed something different in my post yesterday than I intended. The comments surprised me. They were along the same lines, so it is not you that is off--but rather my writing!

First, I don't at all count my kids' sins as my own. Their failures are their failures. Their choices are their choices. [Well, okay, I'm sure all moms take on a bit of guilt if their kids do "bad" things, right?] That doesn't mean I don't grieve over the choices they make. That doesn't mean that I don't want to help them learn how to make better choices in the future. I do, very much. I want to help my children heal from the hurts they have had in life.

Can a person fully implement Post's parenting techniques in their home? I feel the answer is, absolutely! One of the biggest aspects is to be MERCIFUL--not just merciful with your children, but also yourself. Yeah, parents are going to screw up. Yeah, parents are going to respond in stress/fear rather than love sometimes. My kids know that. I know that. It's sort of like being on a diet. You don't stop the whole diet because you overeat one day. You go on with your plan, doing the best you can each day. I am not in crisis mode, freaking out because we haven't gotten it together since I got home. It's just a goal to get back where we were, and I'm finding that difficult.

Is it easy to implement these strategies in our home where we have a solid and working system? Heck no! On my word, it's hard. It's a whole paradigm shift. That phrase--paradigm shift--is way overused. This, for me, is truly that. This is reversing 35 years of traditional discipline beliefs--fear-based disciplines. And I come from a family where (with my dad) there was some true emotional and physical abuse. This Post stuff couldn't be farther from the way I was brought up. I'm fine. I am a successful member of society. But I have some fairly significant traumas that would not be there had my parents known (or been able to) parent me with more mercy and grace. Our family wasn't mature enough in these strategies to keep doing it when things were stressful before I left, when I was away, and now that things are crazy at homecoming.

Regulatory parenting is so *not* about setting up an ideal setting in my home where my kids won't be able to deal in the real world. What good would that do? My goal is to help my kids (hopefully) HEAL from their trauma. If not, second-best is to teach them to deal well with stress when they experience it. Right now, that means I'm helping them. They are just babies, doing this less than 3 months! In 10-20 years, the goal is for my kids to be able to handle the stress of the real world without exploding into destructive behaviors (abuse, crime, divorce, rage, inability to stay in relationships). When my kid is yelled at by his boss, I want him to be able to RESPOND instead of REACT.

In my post last night I reached out and asked for prayer because I am an imperfect person who is struggling right now. I'm not depressed. I (truly!) don't feel defeated. I don't feel like a failure as a person. But I am not currently succeeding at what the Lord would have me do in my daily life. I just know that leaning on myself--my own ability--is not enough. It's interesting that our preacher taught this morning that "self-reliance + self-absorption = self-destruction." I have no interest in pretending I never have need for help. Right now, I need those who would take the time, to pray for me and my family. Prayer is a real and POWERFUL thing for me. When I ask for prayer, I am not asking in a light way. I'm asking you to ask our GOD to intervene in my family and to lift us up so that we can get over this hump.

Finally, R, I want to thank you for the suggestion to pray more OVER my children. Lord knows I pray FOR them all the time, and we pray together allowed very often, but I haven't prayed much with them, for them to overcome their struggles. I can see how that would feel very empowering. It's empowering to me, so I'm sure it also would be to them!

Love,

Anita

I've Lost my Posty MoJo

Ugh. Since I got home I have absolutely STUNK at parenting my kids the way I want to parent my kids. I've been living outside of my "window of tolerance" (for stress) which means that I'm parenting them in a way that causes them more stress. At one point last weekend Taevy started bawling and said, "Mom, I miss Post parenting. Why did you stop doing that?" Ugh. *I* knew we were off track, but I didn't realize that even my kids realized we were so off track.


I really do try to keep it real on this blog, and I'm telling ya'll, Bright is a mess right now. He was making some progress before I left for Ghana, but since getting back home it's like he's taken 16 steps backwards (way worse that he was even before we started doing Post stuff a few months ago). I'm guessing that he feels totally betrayed--like we dangled a better way of parenting in front of him for a while, and then ripped it right out from under him when I left for Ghana. I'm guessing he feels lied to, and is extremely anxiety-ridden because he doesn't feel the trust he needs to feel.

My sweet son has taken the next step on the trauma-induced-behavior ladder. He's started stealing. Really, he's been stealing for a long time (our own pantry foods, when he gets up in the middle of the night/early morning), but it's at a higher level now. Every time I turn my head away from him he is stuffing some sweet food down his throat as fast as he can, or drinking my vitamin water (instead of his drinks). Tonight he said he was going to get more water from the kitchen and instead got a bag of gummy worms (a Kendi bday present) and started stuffing them in. It was pre-meditated. He knew he would lie about getting the water, and then stuff gummy worms instead. It's not even like he can get enjoyment from eating these things. He's just stuffing them in as fast as he can. The other day in Target we noticed a packet of gum had made it into the basket when we were checking out. That happens. Little kids throw things in sometimes. We took the packet out and put it back, not realizing it was open. When we got out to the car we realized Bright was chewing a piece of gum he had stolen from the packet. Ugh.

It's other things too... He gets some sort of positive feedback from pouring/squirting things out. My soaps and lotions are constantly being squirted into the sink until empty. He eats the entire tube of toothepaste. He squirted a liquid medication all over everything today. He seems to find a time almost every day to empty the salt shaker (or glitter, if he finds it) somewhere in the kitchen. For some reason, he also takes my ear plugs from my night stand every day and hides them somewhere (I never find them).

In the moment he steals or wastes, I just want to scream at him. It infuriates me! However, this is MY stress response to his behavior, because it scares the crap out of me! Deep down, I am scared to death for my sweet son. He is not a "bad" boy. I wish everybody readin this knew him. He is full of love and joy and sweetness when stress isn't controling him. He is not stealing to be sinful and disobedient. I'm sorry. I just don't believe that. I know all people sin. I know my children sin. But sometimes, I believe kids do "bad" things as an expression of the trauma they've been through and the stress they are feeling at that moment. Stealing gives Bright a (momentary) high--just like the high of a drug addict. This stealing behavior soothes the stress he's feeling.

Honestly ya'll....I'm tired. I am so behind in work. There seems to be no time to catch up because the needs of the families I work with don't stop for even a day. I meet their needs each day, but am unable to make progress on the emails that came in over two weeks when I was gone. And my kids are super needy right now (especially Bright). I am in one of those seasons in my life where I am doing a lot of things in a sub-par way. There is too much on my plate, and half of the stuff on it is falling off as a result. My son is hurting BAD and I am not in the right frame of mind to help him at the moment. The other kids are distressed because they just can't understand why we try to respond to Bright's behaviors with love and understanding rather than yelling and punishment.

This is what it is. Life isn't perfect. It doesn't always come out in nice easy chunks. The truth is, sometimes the needs of my kids, or my husband, or my "clients" are not met, and people hurt because of that. Bright needs intervention beyond what I feel Eric and I can give him even on our best parenting days. But I feel like there's not enough left over right now to research where to take him and what to do, and then start going to...wherever...however many times a week we need to go.

I would appreciate prayers for the healing of my family. And in this case, I guess I would appreciate prayers for me, because I think that they have a hard time getting to a good place if I'm not in a good place. I need to get my stress/anxiety in check so that I can parent my kids the way they deserve to be parented--with mercy and patience!

Love,
Anita

B. Post: Helping Adopted Children (Part 5)

Understanding the brain and how it responds to stress, emotion, relationship, and attachment--This is amazing stuff to me. Our stress/trauma is a PHYSICAL thing. Stress LITERALLY causes us to lose short term memory and makes us unable to have clear thoughts. Next time your child throws a fit, consider the possibility that they physically weren't able to make a better decision at the time. Learn more HERE.

B. Post: Helping Adopted Children (Part 4)

The Stress Model is at the core of the Post regulatory parenting method. Understanding how stress works in the body is essential. Learn more HERE.

B Post: Understanding Adopted Children (Part 3)

Regulation. Dysregulation. How large is your window of tolerance? How large is your child's window of tolerance? We parents must begin by managing our own stress so that we can assist our children to heal. Learn more HERE.

B. Post: Understanding Adopted Children (Part 2)

The first 5 years of life--from conception to 5--establishes the blueprint for all of our future relationships. Imagine how much trauma and stress many of our children go through in those first few important years! Learn more HERE.

B. Post: Understanding adopted children (Part 1)

Blogger isn't allowing me to embed the video, but you can see it HERE. This is video 1 to 5 that he is putting out on youtube in the next few weeks. No cost. This first video is just an introduction, but if you don't know who Bryan Post is, check it out. The next videos will have MEAT!

Bryan Post vs. Karen Purvis?

Is there anybody out there that is up on the methods of both Bryan Post and Karen Purvis? I've got a FB friend who has been posting comments lately that sound VERY similar to things I'm experiencing with the Post methodology, but I think she is doing Purvis stuff. It makes sense that we would see "variations on a theme" since science is science, but I'm interested to know more! Obviously, time is not on my side at the moment (with upcoming trip) so if anybody is able to give a brief comparison that would be awesome. Or even if you know Purvis stuff but not Post, if you could post the basics of Purvis' teaching, that would rock!

Grace-Full Parenting

Last night as I was brainstorming possible blog names, I ran across this article: Grace-Full Parenting. If you're interested in the idea of the Great Behavior Breakdown methods, but don't have children who have been traumatized, this might be helpful to you. To me, this sort of parenting seems like the "typical kid" equivalent to the "traumatized kid" method we're putting in place in our family. Very cool!

Anita

How is it, really?

How is this regulatory parenting stuff going, really? You all know I'm always going to keep it real. So here's some reality for ya!

1. I feel like I'm shoving this down your throats, and I don't want to do that. It's hard not to post about it every day because our life feels turned upside down with this new way of thinking. If you can't stand this stuff, don't worry. I'm pretty sure I'm going to start a blog that will speak specifically about this change in our lives, and will start from the beginning of what this is all about.

2. I am EXHAUSTED! Seriously people. It is hard to move from, "You made a poor choice. Now go to your room!" to "You are having a hard time, aren't you? Come over here baby, and let's talk." One of the keys to success with this is to keep MY stress in check. Hello. I take anti-anxiety meds and have my own stress triggers to deal with! It's HARD to keep myself regulated so that I can help my kids.

3. I love that Eric and I are such a team. When I'm about to lose it, he comes in to save me. When he's about to lose it, I come in to save him. When we both lose it at the same time, we forgive ourselves and move on. Nobody's perfect.

4. 2 of my kids are MILKING IT BIGTIME!!! I asked my trainer about this before the class even ended, because I could tell that Sam was going to milk it. Basically, my trainer said to let him milk it. He needs to do it to trust that this is for real (that mommy/daddy really have changed). But it is exhausting! And it's hard to not tell him, "You are not stressed! You just don't want to do laundry!" LOL! One of my new friends from training has been doing this very successfully with her family for over a year (and teaching classes as well). Hopefully she'll have some good tips for me. =-)

5. I have never felt so mcuh love between myself and my children. Never. It's pretty good for a marriage as well!

6. My 10 year old who was moving away from me at a rapid place (into pre-teenager angst) is moving towards me again. She can't wait for 10-20-10 time. [10 minutes of quality time in morning--20 after school--10 in the evening.] She can't wait for the talk we all have before bed. She is more huggy and talky and laughy and trusting. Seeing the result in her helps to keep me going.

7. Kendi hardly cries anymore! This is just crazy because for 2 years we have dealt with her crying 50 times a day "for no reason." Just cuing into the fact that she was stressed is all it has taken. It's crazy good. She maybe cries 2-3 times a day now.

8. Samren. He's milking it. Hard to tell what is real with him right now, except that he REALLY needs to see that mom and dad are committed to this.

9. Bright. Bright is moving from a place where he grunted and raged to a place where he busts out bawling. I see this as a good move, since crying is closer to the core emotion (fear) than raging/grunting. He cries (BIG); he needs a big long hug and reassuring words; he stops crying; he moves on. This process takes maybe 60 seconds, but it's 30-40 times a day. I definitely wears on me after a while. At the same time, I see that he is learning to recognize his stress. Him walking to me for comfort is success! Before he just felt lost and exploded wherever he was.

10. Oxytocin. Bryan Post gave us each a bottle of manufactured oxytocin during the training. It's not exactly the same as what our brains produce--not as good--but it is supposed to help around 90% of the people who use it (going by memory here, so don't quote me). It's six drops under the tongue. Tastes like winter mint gum. I've been taking it once a day, around mid-morning when I'm starting to wear thin. I don't notice ANY affects, except that I'm able to keep the stress at bay. I don't feel MORE happy or MORE smiley. I just feel MORE able to do what I need to do with my kids.

11. Family Bed(room). How many times can I say exhausting in one post?! The kids; the dogs; the noise; oh my! On one hand I love knowing that my entire family is within a 12X13 span of space. We are all safe. On the other hand, it's like walking in a mine field trying to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night! And Taevy--I swear--has entire conversations out loud while she sleeps! I keep pushing that the kids CAN sleep in our room but they don't HAVE to. [The hope here is that the 2 that don't really need to be there will get tired of sleeping on the hard floor and go back to their beds, and that the other two will get the reassurance they need and eventually move out as well.] So far, everybody is stickin' to their guns and sleeping on the hard floor. So be it. Eric bought them all new sleeping bags tonight. =-)

Love to all,

Anita

Life is still life!!

Hey all! I hope I don't drive you all crazy and make you roll your eyes with all of the Post Institute stuff. I realize that I'm on a bigtime high right now, and that soon enough I'll be over this mountaintop experience. I don't think that I will be "over" this belief system anytime soon, but I'll have to prove that to you (and me) as time goes by! Right now even my daily updates on myself and my family are going to be full of this GBB stuff because we're living it and learning from it constantly.

I talked to my mom today. She said she liked what I wrote on the blog about stress causing kids to "freeze." She said it made sense. I said, "Would it still make sense if I told you we don't plan to give the kids consequences for their poor behavior in the future?" A few seconds of silence and then, "Umm...that might not make as much sense!" She's got an open mind though. That's what I love about my mom. She is a lifetime learner.

At lunch today Taevy said, "Mom, this Bryan Post stuff really pays off!" I asked her why she thought that and she responded with, "Because. Now we have better ways to solve our problems." LOVE hearing that from my sweet girl! She is already getting it! Tonight Bright and his neighborhood friend got into an argument and Taevy totally tried to "Post" it! LOL! She stopped the boys and was like, "B and C, what's going on right now? I think you're really stressed about something!" [Which isn't really how you do it, but she's trying.] It worked because the boys totally forgot what they were fighting about and then one of them said, "Taevy, I don't need that therapy stuff!" LOL!

I am so EXCITED to see how Bright responds to this long-term. I am seeing very good signs already, but he has a very long road ahead of him. It took me a long time (3+ years) to figure out that he is so totally anxiety-ridden (thank you Kami). It took me 4+ years to figure out that his anxiety is based in fear, which was caused by trauma. NOW I feel like we are on the right road and I am truly in a place to help him.

Kendi is going to heal quickly. Her big thing is crying for "no reason." Do you know, I think she's only cried twice today (rather than 50 times). Maybe it was just a good day, or maybe she is super smart and is figuring out already that until she can figure out how to deal with the stress on her own, she can come to me and I can help her through it. =-)

Samren is testing this bigtime! Oh man, he is really trying to figure out if I will "allow" him to "get stressed" over and over and over again. You can see it, right? The kid looks for a new way to manipulate mommy by acting like he's stressed every time I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. Oh, but mommy is smart too! I asked in class about what to do with kids who try this. My teacher brought me back to reality. Let him test me. First, how smart is he to figure it out enough to test me? Smart! Second, if he's testing me (which looks like manipulation), he NEEDS to do that because of the REAL stress in him that isn't believing what he's seeing. I'm telling ya'll, the looks on my kids faces when I respond to them with a hug rather than a reprimand is PRICELESS.

Was today better than lots of days? Yep, sure was. Was it perfect. NOPE. After Eric got home I had been keeping my cool with 4 testy kids all day long. And within a 5 minute span of time (1) one of Taevy's friends called 5 times, (2) I couldn't open my laundry room because it was too full with laundry which meant that (3) I couldn't go to the outside pantry to get the items I needed to cook dinner, and (4) both of the little kids were screaming for dinner because they were hungry. I hit my limit and busted out with some stressed out words! Even as I raised my voice I saw this look of fear in my older kids' face. Oh, it's making me cry to think of it now. It was like, "Oh. That other stuff wasn't for real. The real mommy is back now." Ugh. You know what was good though? My husband was able to step in and say, "Hon, it's okay. Breathe. Go take a moment. I've got dinner." Instead of a total de-railing, it was just a few minutes of being off the tracks. Thanks Eric.

To tell you the truth, I've felt stressed all night long. I've kept my cool with the kids, but inside, not so much. I'm thinking that it is going to be a challenge for me to do this alone with the kids all day, and then still be the "main caregiver" all night, without having any time to be alone to just check out for a bit. The kids are learning to let me help them through their stress, but haven't really gotten that daddy's able to do that too. We'll figure it out.

Oh! Did I mention we're doing the "family bed" again? Yeah. Well, "family bedROOM." Another discovery this weekend that all of my kids' circadian rhythms are way screwed up. Until we get that worked out (with a way out there practice), we think they need the OPTION of sleeping with us if they want to. Of course it's the first week so they ALL want to. 2 adults, 3 dogs, 1 cat, and 4 kids in a 12X13 bedroom! We are seriously considering moving our bedroom back upstairs so that we can all sleep close to each other on the same level, but maybe NOT in the same room. =-) [Our room is downstairs, with 3 more upstairs.]

Tomorrow is the first big step towards preparing for the Ghana trip. Time to get a tooth pulled! Seems like I always do major dental work right before a trip to Ghana. I'm so paranoid of getting there and having a dental issue. It's like the only thing that gets me to the dentist! LOL! I have GOT to set down with a calender and start trying to schedule each day of this trip. A daunting task when dealing with my Ghanaian friends who would rather wait and schedule everything once I'm there.

Love,

Anita

GBB Question: Freezing

This has come up 2 times in the past 12 hours, so I figure it must be right to talk about when our kids "Freeze!" Today, one mom spoke about how her son wouldn't answer (just wouldn't answer!) when she asked him what was on the kitchen counter. He clammed up and wouldn't talk anymore. Another mom commented on the blog that just asking a question would put her child into a "fear state" and caused her to "freeze up and disassociate."

One of the biggest things I connected for myself this past weekend was that when Samren gets "stuck" he is not being defiant! WOW! When Samren is "lazy" it's not really "laziness." This is Samren's brain on stress!

Adopted kids are traumatized kids. Lots of "biological" kids are traumatized too. Traumatized kids have screwed up regulatory systems. They feel stress at times that we adults don't "get" at all. Really? You're stressed about putting your shoes on? You're stressed about folding laundry? You're stressed about eating this great meal?

We've all heard of "fight or flight" in high school psychology. We learned that when faced with a threatening situation, our amygdala tells us to run away, or stay and fight. Scientists have learned more recently that even before we fight or flee, we FREEZE! There is a time when we freeze in order to decide what to do. Sometimes, people get stuck in freeze! What "freeze" looks like to people is laziness and defiance.

A brain under stress literally cannot think clearly. A brain under stress has a horrible short term memory. A brain under stress is a confused brain. When we parents get upset and are talking/yelling to our kids while they are under stress, our kids her "wah, wah, wah, wah, wah" (Peanuts teacher voice).

So what do we do when our kids freeze? We help them become unstuck. We speak to them in love, not about the behavior, but about the stress. "Wow buddy. When I asked you that question it really freaked you out. What's going on?" If they can't give us words, we might try to fill in the blanks for them. [They can choose to agree or disagree.] "I bet it makes you really scared when you think mom is mad at you. Oh bud, I bet that even makes you wonder if I could get mad enough to send you away."

The goal is to "regulate" our kids--get them out of that stress state. Once that happens, we can then talk to them in a loving way about the original issue (if it even still matters).

The hardest part of this for me is to focus on the stress, NOT the behavior. The behavior is only a symptom of the stress. If I can help my child's stress disappear, the behavior will also disappear.

I know...it's way out there. WAY out there. It's so WEIRD! That's why it's wonderful.

Anita

P.S. Seriously? "Amygdala" isn't in blogger's spell check?!

GBB For the Day

Avoid parenting methods where parents are asked to include disciplines that are fear-based, threatening, or include isolation. We want to parent our children in such a way that the love they feel, and the calmness they experience through love-based parenting, causes them to respond in love as well. Through love they can reduce stress, therefore resolving the undesirable behavior.

You Love Me Anyway

I have just finished a 20+ hour training to be certified in The Post Institutes's "Great Behavior Breakdown." To say it was an exhausting experience would be an understatement. To say it was a rewarding experience would be a GROSS understatement. I don't think I ever really understood what it felt like to have a "paradigm shift" until today. No, I take that back. The day I received Christ was a paradigm shift (I just wasn't aware of that term then). Today was the second huge shift in my life outlook/understanding.

So, I'm driving home tonight and I heard this song. I've heard it enough to know the melody, but never really listened to it, and certainly not in the context I heard it tonight. I'm going to post the lyrics below, but the emphasis is mine, and I'm going to add some comments in brackets. This is more for my own processing, since most people reading this probably haven't fully adopted Post's methods into their home. [Maybe that will change for some of you!]

When I heard this song tonight, I heard it as a child, speaking to their parent, who had "loved me anyway"--even through trauma and all of the junk that comes with that. Isn't that what we're doing? We love our kids anyway. We make a choice to love them, no matter how "messed up" their little hearts are.

You Love Me Anyway

The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly, little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind

[Oh, the shame you carry with you, my children. There is so much hiding in your minds, even hidden from your own consciousness.]

Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly

[It's my job to challenge you to grow. I know it feels scary. I can see the beauty in you. And I know you have a soft place to fall.]

But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside

[The future is literally impossible for you to see right now. Your heart is so broken. I know it feels safer to stay inside of yourself. Try to see the future through my eyes. One day, you will see it for yourself.]

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me

[Yes, my babies! I love you anyway! I know it's so different from what you've experienced before. You have known hurt, and neglect, and hunger. Now, you will know love, not fear.]

It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find

[You are stronger than you know. What you have survived, nobody should have to survive. You have waited so patiently, my darlings, for the love you deserve.]

All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?

[It's not fair. It's not. I don't know why this has been your past, but it doesn't have to be your reality in the future. Trust me. Don't doubt. Freedom is coming.]

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway

[I can never love you in the perfect way Christ loves you, but that is the standard by which I live. I will sweat for you. I will be scarred for you. I will bleed for you. I can even love you through betrayal. Test me little ones. It's okay. I am strong enough to carry you through your past and into the future.]

See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

[Nothing you do will bury my grace. I have grace in abundance for you, my children. You can let go of that shame now. You can learn to live without it. It does you no service any longer.]

But You love me anyway
Oh, God… how you love me

You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

You love me, You love me
You love me, You love me
How You love me
How You love me
How You love me

[Always, always, and forever.]