Celebrate Calm

Sometime recently a discussion was happening on an adoption group about various parenting experts.  The usual big names were represented--Post and Purvis.  An AAI mom (hi Molly!) popped in with a new name--"Celebrate Calm."  Who's this?  Never heard of them.  Always looking for another good resource for myself and the families I serve, I popped on over to their facebook page.  WOW.  There were all sorts of little nuggets.  Some examples are below.

"Some power struggles occur because we tell a strong-willed child what to do, then hover over him waiting for his response. Give firm, clear directions. And then remove yourself, your anxiety and your pressure. It gives your child some space, respect and time to cycle his thoughts, disappointment and response. If you can't control yourself, then expect more power struggles."

"When our kids mess up, we tend to send them away from us. When we mess up, God draws us closer. Just something to think about."

"You can't make people respect you. But you can always demonstrate self-respect. Calm is not a doormat. Calm is authoritative. Calm says I have complete control over myself, no matter how YOU behave. Calm says my value and self-worth does not depend on anyone else. Show self-respect and watch your kids, spouse and others begin to respect you more."

"Today, I am free. I am not responsible for my child's happiness. I am not responsible for managing my spouse. I am not responsible to make life perfect for everyone. It is not my job to fix everything or everyone. Today I do one thing that brings me joy. I celebrate it. And then I spread my joy to others, no matter what they do or how they behave."

"'You're right, honey. Life is not fair. Look at all the advantages you have that other people don't have.'  A good way to foster gratitude rather than create a victim."

I am, in particular, a fan of that last one! ;0)  Well, as I looked around the Celebrate Calm website I was surprised to see that they would be doing FREE workshops in Oklahoma all the following week.  [They've never been in OK before.  Coincidence?!]  At first I only saw daytime homeschool convention workshops, but was delighted to find a 2 hour seminar on Wednesday night.  Yes!  Eric and I could both go together!  [The problem with lots of this stuff is that *I* go and get excited, but my spouse isn't with me on it.  It doesn't work if only one spouse is fired up.]

I think it's important to say that this "method" (whatever you want to call it) is NOT adoption focused.  It's just your run-of-the-mill parenting method.  However, the founder/creator has done much work with children who have been internationally adopted.  Much of his research was conducted as he invited troubled children (many of which were adopted from Eastern Europe) to his home each summer.  While the approach is not specifically for adoptive parenting, I've seen nothing that would be ill-advised for adoptive parents or children.  In fact, it's all very much in line with what Post and Purvis say.  All three of them have some things in common, but with different delivery.

• Parents must be in control of their own anxiety in order to effectively parent their child.
• Draw a child into you rather than sending a child away from you.
• Relationship over Discipline.
• Ultimately, you can only control yourself.  You cannot control your child.

For our adopted kids, I'd say it's important to go deeper and understand the science that Post and Purvis teach about the trauma our kids have experienced.  But CC does a good job of giving really practical ways of dealing with the day to day crap our kids hand out to us!  And what's nice is that since CC isn't specifically for adopted children, you know it's also appropriate for your bio kids. Did I mention that Kirk is REALLY funny?

The founder of Celebrate Calm is decidedly Christian.  We were at a Church last night so he definitely took that approach (but not in a way where the who method is based on the Bible--more where he added his Christian viewpoint as a side thought).  I haven't listened to the CDs we bought yet, so I don't know if the CDs are Christian.  I'm sort of betting they are.  I'm Christian, so I like that.  It makes sense to me. 

One of the things he said that I appreciated is that as the parent we have EVERY RIGHT to sort of get in our kids' faces and demand respect...demand immediate obedience, etc..  However, that is not how he CHOOSES to parent because that doesn't yield the results he wishes for his children.  He chooses to parent in a way that teaches his children self-discipline and self-respect, and also holds the parent-child relationship in high regard.  I think that will sit well with lots of Bible Belt Christians who sometimes feel that all of this new-age parenting stuff is telling us we don't have a right to have authority over our own children.  That's not in line with the Bible.  He's saying we have that right,  but we should be careful about how we choose to use it.  Makes sense.

On the website I think it says you can get all of the CDs and DVDs for $497.  At the seminar he had them on sale for $297.  He was very clear that if you weren't able to purchase the materials because of financial hardship but you want them, to be assertive and they would work something out.  I really believe they will make sure anybody who wants the materials will get them.  I believe they are more concerned about people getting the materials they need than they are with people paying them money--truly.  He said more than once that if you wanted the materials but couldn't afford them to "be assertive." 

We haven't listened to all of the CDs and DVDs yet, but we are looking forward to it.  One of them is just for dads.  Another is from the founder's son directly to kids.  Another set is on marriage.  Another is specifically for school.  It's a LOT of material.  Of course, you can buy individual sets as well.  We purchased all because we wanted 4 out of 7 and it was less expensive to purchase all seven than to purchase 4 of 7.

All in all, I'm very glad we went to the workshop and I'm not regretting that we purchased the materials.  Some of the things suggested, we already do.  Other things suggested, we had never considered before.  I'm excited to see how the kids react to the materials that are specifically for them.  I will add the Celebrate Calm stuff to our "tool chest" of parenting know-how.  It's sort of comforting that all of my favorite experts agree on the core points.

Take the Wheel

I am not a country music fan (anymore) but I think you'd have to live under a rock not to have heard that song "Jesus take the Wheel." The song comes to mind the last few days. Sorry about my one-liner scary post last night. I was just at the end of my rope. For lots of reasons I have been living, eating, breathing Ghana for the past two weeks (not all bad, but lots bad) and I had just had it. I miss free time. I miss lunch (instead of granola bars). I miss reading. I miss something as mundane as TV. I miss 8 hours of sleep. I miss reading blogs. I miss stupid Facebook. I miss LifeGroup. But most of all, I really miss my family. Like REALLY miss them. They are all around me fluttering by, but I am sitting here in this dang chair working constantly. It was 2 weeks until I left for Ghana, then 1 week, now 5/6 days, and I'm fixing to be gone for 15 days. It will feel like I have been without them for a month by the time I get home!

I can hear you mom. "Well Anita, just stop! Just stop working!" That's easier said that done. There are times when I over-work that I shouldn't, yes. But there are times when I can't not work. I don't work, and somebody gets hurt, or somebody doesn't go home, or somebody gets stuck at the airport. I know it doesn't sound like end of the world, but it feels like end of the world to that somebody. And I could have been that somebody at various points in my life. So don't tell me not to work when these people are counting on me. At the same time, MAN am I sick of it right about now! [Forgive me, didn't know it was going to be a vent post, but it's turning out that way.] I MISS MY FAMILY. I'm going to leave and they haven't really HAD me the past two weeks already. My poor babies. I sure would be jealous of Ghana if I were them.

I'm sure you can tell by the above two paragraphs, it's been a rough week. [She rolls her eyes because that's the understatement of the year.] There have been about another 2 dozen confirmations that I need to be in Ghana right now. There is way more to do than time to do it. I have no idea what God wants to do with me while I'm there. There's some fun stuff tentatively scheduled, and for this I am truly thankful. There is some not fun stuff scheduled, and for this I am also thankful (that I can be there to take care of the not fun stuff). There are a few "down" days where we will wait and see what the Lord has planned.

Back to the top. Jesus take the Wheel. This is where I'm at. Maybe this is where He wants me to be? Maybe this is His whole point? From this point forward I basically consider it my duty to get myself on that plane and to make myself available for whatever He has planned for me for the next 12 days thereafter. Do not take that as me saying I've given up and I won't be doing anything, or that I won't be coming up with an agenda. No, I will. But really, I want to be open to His leading. If I was "scheduled" to be at point A but it becomes apparent that point B is where I'm supposed to be only 2 hours before I'm supposed to go to point A, I will be heading to point B. I've got about 30 days worth of things I could do and only 12 days. So this is how it will be. If nothing else, He's made it clear in the last week that at any time He can throw curve ball after curve ball after curve ball my direction until I can't dodge them anymore. I give. Jesus, just take the wheel. I feel safer that way anyway.

Anita

P.S. Try as I might, I still feel excitement in my heart about leaving in a few days. I just wish my sweet family was coming with me. I have a fun new hotel to stay at. I hope to be more upbeat the rest of the week. Sorry to be Debbie Downer.

Oxytocin Factor

I know I've written about Oxytocin before, but it has been a while. I first learned about Oxytocin from Bryan Post. It's known as the "cuddle" hormone. It is the hormone in our body that is released in an effort to calm fear, anxiety, and pain. We make oxytocin naturally when we laugh, or cuddle, or have s*x, or do other calming/feel good things. I think it should be all of our goals to try to build up our oxytocin each day! If you do a 6-second hug, oxytocin will be released. How easy is that?!

Unfortunately, some of us have a higher level of pain/anxiety/fear than our natural oxytocin can handle. Believe it or not, they have made a manufactured version of the natural hormone. It isn't as good as the real thing--nothing is--but it can really be a help for most people. [There is a small percentage of people who don't receive a benefit from manufactured oxytocin.]

When I attended the Great Behavior Breakdown training this spring, Bryan Post gave each of the attendance a sample bottle of oxytocin drops. I asked if it was appropriate for kids. His answer was that it's more important that parents are in a calm state, so that we can guide our children to become calm with natural oxytocin. However, he said that for some kids with significant anxiety, oxytocin can make a big difference.

I took the bottle home and didn't try it for several days. There was one day the next week when it was total chaos around here. I thought it might be the PERFECT time to see if these little drops could really make a difference in my state of mind.

I didn't notice any big jolt of happiness (although some people report feeling really happy after about 10 minutes). What I did notice is that the things that were taking me outside of my "window of tolerance" just half an hour before, were now manageable. I was in a better state of mind to help my kids and navigate our day in a successful way. I think most people take it two times a day (6 drops) but I found just one time a day was enough to take the edge off of my daily anxiety.

A few days later, Bright was completely out of control. Or rather, his anxiety was controlling him. [We think anxiety is at the root of most of his issues.] I knew the oxytocin wouldn't hurt him, so I decided to see if it would help him. He thought it tasted good (it does--sort of like a breath freshener). Again, I didn't see a "false" person after he took the drops. Bright was still Bright, and I still saw anxiety-driven behaviors. However, the level of the behaviors was not so over the top. It was obvious that the extra bit of oxytocin helped to take the edge off of his anxiety. He also slept better during naptime and during the night (a huge struggle for him).

It became sort of a joke in our house when somebody was stressing. "Uh-oh, I think you need some blue bottle!" [It comes in a blue bottle.]

I took the "blue bottle" with me to Ghana in anticipation of stressful days there. Unfortunately, it spilled. Darn! To be honest, I have missed having it on those extra-stressful days. However, it isn't super cheap. $60 for a month's worth.

I got an email from Bryan Post today letting us know that there is a deal going on right now where you can try a month's worth of oxytocin for free (plus $10 shipping and handling). Good deal! I just ordered our free sample, and also signed up for a monthly "club" where a new bottle will be delivered each month, at a total of $46 a month (and free shipping). It's worth that to our family, to be honest.

If you are interested in trying oxytocin for your family you can just CLICK HERE. I can't say for sure if it will help the stress level in your house, but it certainly helps the stress level in ours. Our goal is still to build up our natural oxytocin, but for those days when the need is more than the supply, we'll be glad to have the little blue bottle around!

Love,

Anita

P.S. If you order, after you order they will take you to advertisements for a few more products (annoying), but after 2 products you'll be done.

You Love Me Anyway

I have just finished a 20+ hour training to be certified in The Post Institutes's "Great Behavior Breakdown." To say it was an exhausting experience would be an understatement. To say it was a rewarding experience would be a GROSS understatement. I don't think I ever really understood what it felt like to have a "paradigm shift" until today. No, I take that back. The day I received Christ was a paradigm shift (I just wasn't aware of that term then). Today was the second huge shift in my life outlook/understanding.

So, I'm driving home tonight and I heard this song. I've heard it enough to know the melody, but never really listened to it, and certainly not in the context I heard it tonight. I'm going to post the lyrics below, but the emphasis is mine, and I'm going to add some comments in brackets. This is more for my own processing, since most people reading this probably haven't fully adopted Post's methods into their home. [Maybe that will change for some of you!]

When I heard this song tonight, I heard it as a child, speaking to their parent, who had "loved me anyway"--even through trauma and all of the junk that comes with that. Isn't that what we're doing? We love our kids anyway. We make a choice to love them, no matter how "messed up" their little hearts are.

You Love Me Anyway

The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly, little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind

[Oh, the shame you carry with you, my children. There is so much hiding in your minds, even hidden from your own consciousness.]

Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly

[It's my job to challenge you to grow. I know it feels scary. I can see the beauty in you. And I know you have a soft place to fall.]

But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside

[The future is literally impossible for you to see right now. Your heart is so broken. I know it feels safer to stay inside of yourself. Try to see the future through my eyes. One day, you will see it for yourself.]

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me

[Yes, my babies! I love you anyway! I know it's so different from what you've experienced before. You have known hurt, and neglect, and hunger. Now, you will know love, not fear.]

It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find

[You are stronger than you know. What you have survived, nobody should have to survive. You have waited so patiently, my darlings, for the love you deserve.]

All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?

[It's not fair. It's not. I don't know why this has been your past, but it doesn't have to be your reality in the future. Trust me. Don't doubt. Freedom is coming.]

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway

[I can never love you in the perfect way Christ loves you, but that is the standard by which I live. I will sweat for you. I will be scarred for you. I will bleed for you. I can even love you through betrayal. Test me little ones. It's okay. I am strong enough to carry you through your past and into the future.]

See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

[Nothing you do will bury my grace. I have grace in abundance for you, my children. You can let go of that shame now. You can learn to live without it. It does you no service any longer.]

But You love me anyway
Oh, God… how you love me

You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

You love me, You love me
You love me, You love me
How You love me
How You love me
How You love me

[Always, always, and forever.]

Bryan Post Training--and how it's going in our family

I shared several weeks ago that my agency had given me the green light to go to an intensive Post Institute training that would, in the end, leave me as a certified instructor (specifically in The Great Behavior Breakdown).

The time has FLOWN by since I first registered. Now I am a day away! Everything about this feeds into my personal struggles. I'm going to be face to face with people (instead of behind a computer screen). I'm going to be with people who have more degrees and more experience than me. I don't have letters behind my name. I'm going to have to suck it up for 29 hours this weekend regarding the Fibromyalgia. There is no taking a break because of pain. It's been a while since I've been in the academic scene, sitting and interacting with other professionals in my field. Most of all, I am afraid of failing--of disappointing myself and my employer, and of embarrassing myself. It's sort of ironic, really, that I'm trying to become certified in a method that is ALL about managing stress, and I personally deal with a TON of stress and anxiety! Maybe that's why the method speaks to me so personally?

I'll be in class from 9-6 on Friday, from 9-9 on Saturday, and from 9-5 on Sunday. LOTS of hours. Then I'll come home, probably with lots of homework (if it's like other trainings) and have to manage that while also trying to meet the needs of my kids who are used to having me 24/7 and will be HUNGRY FOR THE MOMMY! I sort of wish I could stay in the hotel where the training is taking place, but that would be such a waste of money when I can be home in half an hour.

Last week I re-read The Great Behavior Breakdown. I figured I should probably have a fresh idea in my mind what I am going to be learning in more detail this weekend! I have never really shared about the philosophy with Eric. After discussing it a lot, we have put it into play in our house for the last several days. [Eric has a hard time buying into lots of this "mumbo jumbo."] I asked him to please just try this for 4 weeks. If it doesn't work for our family, fine. But let's give it a GOOD try. I talked to the kids about it on Monday--explaining how we were going to do things a bit differently. I talked about stress/fear vs. regulation/love. The little ones don't/can't understand it, but the big ones can understand to a certain level.

Our little experiment begins!

I can honestly say, we are seeing positive results. Lying has been a MAJOR problem in our family for the past few months. However, the child who has the hardest time with lies has found it possible to tell me the truth this week, when a lie would have been told before. Feeling defeated in school is another thing that we struggle with in the family. This week, the kiddo that struggles with that has found that if he takes a moment to defrag and talk about the stress he's having, he can move on and be successful. We've seen fewer fits of crying from stress. Or rather, shorter. When something starts, we're able to stop it before it escalates.

Obviously, our kiddo with MUCH stress and anxiety is going to have the hardest time regulating himself. We talked to the big kids about how it might take a thousand times of us helping Bright to regulate/calm down before he learns to do it on his own (maybe a million)! The thing is, when Bright gets stressed he explodes into rage, which causes the other kids (some more than others) to also get stressed. We turn into a giant stress ball and before you know it, we're all screaming at each other! AAAAHHHH!!!!!

With this philosophy, when Bright explodes with stress, we MUST remain calm. We are working with the older kids to realize Bright's rages are a trigger for them. It's working. The stress is no longer spreading like wildfire throughout the family. It might be years before Bright can self-regulate, but if the rest of us can learn to stay calm and RESPOND instead of REACT to stress, our family can be much more at peace. It's all about calling a spade a spade--recognizing and talking about stress when it boils over so that we can manage it instead of do what comes naturally and through a fit about it!

Eric has seen the results so far and I can tell he is "buying into it" more and more every day. Are there times when I'm thinking, "The book doesn't tell me how to deal with this!" Oh absolutely. Are there times when I haven't managed my stress well? Sure. But are things BETTER around here? They truly are. I don't think there is any magic method for living, but...

1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."

This is, in essence, what The Post Institute is teaching. At the base of all emotion is either love or fear. Stress is a manifestation of fear. Responding in love works to cast out that fear. The goal is that we each, as human beings, learn to recognize when we have become "disregulated" (are stressed/afraid) so that we can teach ourselves to self-regulate. Until that time happens (when our kids are kids) we need others in our lives to speak to us with love (not stress/fear) so that they can help us to come back into a place of calmness/regulation. After everybody is in a state of regulation, we can learn from one another and make improvements in an undesirable behavior. The goal is that we gain "perfection in love" by learning to cast out our fears!

I know...it sounds out there. But there is something to this philosophy. My daughter, who recognized me in no way on Mother's Day, who was getting very distant, has given me more hugs and "I love yous" this week than she has in the past 4 weeks put together. She is learning very quickly that it's okay to show me her soft underbelly because I am not going to come back yelling at her for her shortcomings. We're just working through stuff together now.

Time will tell, but so far so good.