Picture Time

Just for fun, here are some recent pics....
1. A picture of our family (from behind!) as it currently is. Mom took this last weekend at Taevy's birthday party as we were walking down to the lake.
2. This is the start of the afghan I am making for Brighton. This is one "square" of four that will be made--plus a border will be added at the end.
3. This is a picture of my sister and her brand new daughter (just home from Guatemala last week) walking in the park during Taevy's birthday party. Aren't they sweet?!
4. This is a picture of Taevy, all dressed up and ready to play last weekend at Grandma's house.
5. This is Samren and his dad playing at the park together.
6. This is Taevy and her Grandma G. at her school Taevy. Taevy was given the "MVP" award for first quarter at her school. Yes, I'm a proud mommy!

Leave it to God

Leave it to God

Leave it to God to bring you peace while you are down. Leave it to God to bring words of encouragement when you need them. Leave it to God when you'd rather worry yourself to death over things He already has control over. Just leave it to God.

I don't know when I am going to learn not to allow myself to get so down during an adoption process. I KNOW that He has it all under control. I KNOW there is no need to worry. I KNOW I should focus on all of the joy and good things in my life. And yet this worldly body of mind wants to continually try to control things that are completely and utterly beyond my control.

Here are some words that came to me this week (just when I needed them) and brought me back up from my recent "downness." Hope they bless you.

---

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all
circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus

---

Hebrews 10:35-36

VERSE:
Do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.
You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God,
you will receive what he has promised.
-- Hebrews 10:35-36

THOUGHT:
There are some tough times that go with living. They're
inescapable. That's when our confidence in the Lord's salvation and
our relationship with him get tested! It is one thing to sing "it
is well with my soul" at the end of a peel-the-paint and
raise-the-roof worship service, but it is quite another to be able
to sing it when they auction your house off at the courthouse
steps, you are told you have a long-term debilitating illness, or
you lose a child to death. Faith can't take a holiday when we
travel through the suburbs of hell or we'll never find our way out.
So don't throw it away. Persevere! Keep putting one foot in front
of the other trusting that God will give you the strength for the
next step. No matter how hard it is at the moment, don’t give up to
despair. Be like Job or Jeremiah who both argued and complained to

God, but never let go of God. Don't quit. Christ is coming for you
with grace and in glory. His return is just around the bend and
could break into our world at any time.

---

Proverbs 21:30

There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against
the LORD.

---

Romans 5:3-4

VERSE:
We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that
suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and
character, hope.
-- Romans 5:3-4

THOUGHT:
I remember the old Corrie ten Boom phrase, "Thank God for the
fleas." The fleas kept the German soldiers out of the barracks in
the Jewish concentration camp where she was imprisoned. This
allowed her to minister and visit with those who were being
persecuted. There she could show and share Jesus. Even in the worst
of suffering, God can bring blessings through those who know that
life's goal is character, not comfort.

PRAYER:
Mighty God, I confess that I get impatient and frustrated with
difficulty, pain, and suffering. Please give me more compassion and
better listening skills to hear, so that I may bless those who need
your love and grace. Give me the strength to find joy in the
difficulties of breaking through the barriers Satan places in the
way to keep others from Jesus. In the Savior's name I pray. Amen

---

Isaiah 30:18

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you
compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all
who wait for him!

---

Isaiah 46:4 (Instead of "you" read the verse with "Bright")

VERSE:
[The Lord says,] "Even to your old age and gray hairs, I am he,
I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

THOUGHT:
God will not forget us when we're in trouble or when we are old.
We may outlive our friends and be forgotten by those who know us,
but God will never leave us or forsake us. He will sustain, carry,
protect, and rescue us.

---

Psalms 46: 1-3, 10-11

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

---

There's no way I can say it better than God! If you are a fellow waiting adoptive parent reading this just hold on to these words. He truly does have all of our children in the palm of His hands. He loves them even more than we love them. And I know that if God loves my sweet baby Bright more than I do He must love him a tremendous amount! What alternative is there to having hope? None...for me.

Love,
Anita

Tiny (but Bright) Update

I don't have much to report, but I do have a few tiny tidbits. =-)  First, on the 13th of September Ernest did put a one-liner in an email to Lois saying that Bright was still doing very well.  Praise God for that!  Also, she got an email from Ernest earlier this week (or late last week?) mentioning that he had gone to Ho Hoe in hopes of meeting with Bright's family to get the relinquishment papers signed.  He said that he "met with the absence" of his family and was unable to get things signed, but left the paperwork with Mama Eugenia in hopes that the relinquishment will be formal soon.

 

One thing that many people don't really "get" is that in Ghana a child is considered a family's child--not a mom and dad's child.  So for his relinquishment it's not a matter of his dad choosing adoption for his son.  Every living member of his family that can be located must meet together with his dad and be counseled about what adoption is and what it would mean for Bright.  Then every family member must agree to adoption.  If one family member doesn't agree, the adoption cannot take place--even if that means that Bright grows up in an orphanage.  Please pray for Bright's family during this time--especially his dad.  This must be such a difficult time for him, first losing his wife during Bright's birth, and now having to make the difficult decision to choose adoption for his son.

 

Love,

Anita

P.S.  It's been 3 business days since the Director of Social Welfare should have received our "letter of interest" for the adoption of Bright.  I'm going crazy!  I can't wait to get the formal application for adoption into my hands!!!  Praying that the Director has nothing going on tomorrow so that he won't have any reason NOT to act on our case! =-)

Still Alive. Bright, and other things...

Hello friends.

Yes, I'm still alive. I've received several emails from those of you who I correspond with regularly asking if I'm okay. Am I that transparent? Anita disappears from cyber world for 5 days so something MUST be wrong, right? Well....right. But not really. Something is only "wrong" in my heart. I'm very down about the lack of progress or information with Bright's adoption. I come and check my email a thousand times a day and whenever the messages do NOT include some form of update I leave the office without the gumption (is this an "Okie" word???) to respond to anything.

I talked to Lois on Friday where I got my "there is nothing to update" update. That is okay. I just needed to hear her voice. I needed her to remind me that this is all still real. It starts to feel like a foggy dream sometimes when no information comes. Man--I am one spoiled adoptive parent! It's only been like 3 weeks since I got an update on Bright and I'm going crazy. I tell myself (but don't know if it's true) that I'm only going crazy because I'm worried about his health. Mostly, I think I'm just a mommy who wants to know more about her kid. You know...the little things like a full name, an estimated birthdate, and maybe a medical report. Such luxuries in Africa.

I would so appreciate your prayers this week for our sweet baby boy's adoption.

1. Please pray that Ernest (the orphanage administrator) feels a heart-connection to the work that he is doing. I NEVER would have picked Ernest as a person who wouldn't communicate regularly with Lois about things, but it seems that is exactly what is happening. I just pray that the Lord would put it into his heart to love these kids enough to stay up late and send pictures and emails and information even when he's tired from a long day of other work. I pray that Ernest would wake up with the children on his mind...with a desire to make the long (3.5 hour) drive up to Ho Hoe to check on the children.

2. I have the opportunity this week to send Ernest a message. This wouldn't normally be appropriate, but since I know him personally from our trip to Ghana Lois said it would be okay to send him a message saying "thank you" and "it was nice to meet you," etc. Of course you KNOW I'm going to put something in there that will hopefully let him know how much we are counting on him to advocate for Bright and the other children. Please pray that my message can impact Ernest positively. He is a GREAT guy. I just don't think he knows how much we truly care about these children.

3. Pray that the Director of Social Welfare in Ho, Ghana receives our "Letter of Interest" and quickly sends the formal application for adoption so that we can formally get this adoption started.

4. Pray that Bright remains bright. Pray that every calorie he receives nourishes him and catches him up on weight gain in a supernatural way. Pray that the Lord would protect his little body from long term damage due to his malnutrition.

Thank you friends. Promise to catch up with everybody individually in the next few days. Sorry to be distant.

Love,
Anita

Thoughts about Brighton

I wish I had news to report, or some new photos to share, but I don't.  It's just me and my tired thoughts late at night.  I feel the need to write about my baby boy, even if they are just rambling thoughts.  Some days are like that for me.  I just need to write and I don't really know WHY until after I've written.

 

I keep thinking about Bright.  [I know, big surprise there.]  Some days I think I will go crazy waiting for him to come home, and other days I feel very calm about the whole thing and somehow find patience.  Sometimes I want to "jump off of the cliff" and fill the house with baby boy things, but most of the time these days I am still to scared to let myself go only to be disappointed once again.  Oh how I pray I won't have to mourn another child during this adoption journey.

 

Mostly, I daydream about Bright.  I think about how big (or rather, small!) he probably is.  I imagine myself walking up to Mama Eugenia when I get to take him home--I see her broad smile and in my imagination I am always taken aback by how tiny and beautiful my Brighton is.  I think about what it will be like during the day to day with our newest son.  Just tonight the four of us were all watching a movie on TV--all sitting on the couch together.  I had a vision of Bright sitting in my lap, making our four into five.

 

It's funny the things that I allow myself to daydream about in comparison with the things that I can't yet daydream about or plan for without getting that "icky" feeling like I'm setting myself up for disappointment.  I can think about what it will be like to be united with him all day long, but I can't bring myself to think about how we're going to set up the bedrooms.  Huh?!  What is THAT about?  And what about the baby boy clothes that I already have sitting in boxes in my bedroom.  Why can't I go ahead and unpack those?  No cost involved there.  But that is where my heart draws the line.  I just can't go "there."  Oh Lord I just can't wait for the day that I actually AM there, with our sweet Brighton in our home, with a bed and clothes and poopy diapers and all!

 

Thanks for letting me ramble about my boy.

Anita

Travel Journal--Amsterdam to Accra!

August 20, 2006  (Remember when you read this journal that at the time I was expecting to adopt 2 three year olds to be named Kendi and Caynan.  I didn't change my entries about them because they are a part of my experience.)

 

First, a few observations about Schipol Airport in Amsterdam:

• They allow smoking here--in all restaurants and bars!  Pew-ee!  Cough!
• Bathrooms are very quiet--almost silent flushes.  It's a very calm atmosphere!  But the toilet paper is ROUGH! Definitely missed the Charmin! =-)
• The chairs at the gates are hard and quite uncomfortable.  They also sit very high so my feet just hung in mid-air.
• Dutch language is everywhere.  Most signs have English too, but not all.
• If you want to buy anything in this airport you're going to need Euros.  I didn't find a place to take US$.  However, it was easy enough to use a credit card at an ATM to get Euros.
• Lunch was a bottle of water, and egg, bacon, and pepper sandwich, and a small can of Pringles.  Euro 9.05!
• Sandwiches here are definitely different than in the Midwest!  Cucumber and pickles....salmon and cream cheese...weird (but edible) bacon and egg (kind of raw egg)...yummy. ;-)
• I'm surprised at the diversity of the people at my gate.  I would have thought a greater percentage would be African, but it's probably 60% African and 40% "other."

On the Plane to Accra:

 

This has been a much more enjoyable flight.  First of all, I have an isle seat--much better!  I'm in a row of 3 seats and at first nobody was in between the gentleman in the last seat and I.  Then came a rather large Ghanaian woman who can hardly walk because of a leg injury.  She has to keep her leg elevated, so they put her next to me and moved the gentleman to another seat (because her leg is elevated in the other seat now).  So this woman will be sitting basically sideways with her back leaned against me for support for this entire flight.

 

At first I was a little disappointed with this scenario, but it has turned out to be very good.  We lean up against each other and I suppose that helps to keep us both warm!  Cecilia has 2 adult children and usually lives in Frankfurt, Germany.  She is going "back home" in hopes that native medicine can help her leg.  They thought she had a tumor, but didn't find one when they operated.  They want to do an exploratory surgery now, but she decided to see what can be done in Ghana instead.  She appears to be in an unbearable amount of pain and it has been a blessing to me to be able to bless her with my "service" during this flight.  She needs help standing up, sitting down, walking to the bathroom, getting covered, up, writing, eating, etc. 

 

Cecilia was born in Koforidua--one of the towns I will be visiting!!!  She also knows where the Osu home is and seems supportive of our adoption plans.  She looked through the albums I made for Kendi and Caynan and most of my Twi was used properly.  She is from the Ashanti tribe and verified that K and C are both Ashanti.  I was saying Caynan's name right (Nyarko--just how it looks), but had the pronunciation of Kendi's name (Amoako) all wrong.  It sounds like "um-wa-ko". 

 

We were late in leaving the airport (by 45 minutes) so will be delayed in arriving at Kotoka.  I'm not worried though.  We should still get there an hour or so before Lois.  This plane is MUCH nicer than the Northwest plan--with individual media stations.  But the seats are closer together so things are a bit cramped.  I don't think I will want to sit down for a week after I get to Accra!  My bum is numb numb numb (hmmm...might be a song in there somewhere).

 

Dinner was surprisingly good--chicken and rice with Pantang Sauce.  I ate all of the main course (a first for me).  Praise Jesus the motion sickness has not returned!!!  I am extremely tired (maybe from the 2nd Bonine since you're only supposed to take one every 24 hours) but I'll take that any day over a sick tummy!

 

Okay, I'll say it!  I am already in love with Ghanaian people!!  There is such a sense of respect among them--addressing each other as "sista" or "brotha."  "Sista let me help you with that."  I don't think I can put into words (yet) what it is, but I love watching these beautiful people interact with each other.

 

There are MANY children on our flight.  I'm sitting about 7 rows behind the bulkheads and you can't miss the kid sounds!  At least two of the children are having a very rough time--complete w/ screaming fits.  They all seem quite fidgety as well.  I think that makes sense.  If kids aren't used to being motionless (like many of our kids in America are because of TV!) it would be horrible being locked in this plan for 7+ hours!  I wonder if I'm seeing my future though--as I watch these little tykes try to maintain (unsuccessfully) during this flight.  I'm going to be glad to have mom with me when we return with C & K--that's for sure!!!

 

Something I've noticed is that I am able to understand Ghanaian English much better than I anticipated.  It's much easier to understand that Khmer-English (Cambodia), Viet-English (Vietnam), or Creole-English (Haiti)!  There is a certain "universal African accent" that we hear on American TV.  As far as I can tell, that is what Ghanaian English sounds like--beautiful but not hard to understand.

 

Next entry---sitting on the floor at Kotoka International Airport in Accra!

Full Circle?

At the beginning of February, maybe the day after Eric said we could go forward with another adoption (??) I was out shopping for the baby that I imagined we would adopt. I didn't know if it would be a boy or a girl, but I knew that SURELY the baby wouldn't be bigger than 6/9 month clothes when he/she came home. So I splurged and went to Babies R Us (a very dangerous place for me to be even if I'm not "expecting)! I bought two of the most adorable little outfits on winter clearance, but still paid more for them than I would normally pay for kids' clothes. I tried to tell myself they were gender neutral, but really they were boy's outfits--I just liked them enough to put them on a girl if that's what we got. =-)

As time went on, and we changed from Liberia to Ghana I felt my hopes of a baby slipping away. But that was okay. The Lord really did change my heart and I couldn't have been happier to be adopting two three year olds when we were expecting Juliet and Emmanuel to become our children--truly! However, it was a sad day when I went to "the baby's" closet and packed away the many outfits I had purchased the first few months that we were paperchasing. The only time I cried was when I had to pack away those first two outfits I had bought for our hoped-for baby. I had envisioned our baby in those outfits so many times. They were my items to hold on to--to remind me that there will be a real child at the end of all of the bureaucracy and red tape.

Today, for whatever reason, I thought about those outfits again. My heart soared as I envisioned our little Bright wearing them!!! I don't know anything about his size yet but he looks very tiny. I can't imagine that they would be too big on him. Better yet, they are both winter outfits (most of the outfits I bought were summer outfits because I thought we would have a baby home by summer). I know it's a small thing, but I can't tell you the joy it would give me to put those little outfits on our Bright. It would be like the Lord has really brought us full circle. The picture above was taken when I first bought the outfits and took a pic of them to email to my mom. Right now they are still packed away in a box upstairs. I can't bring myself to start physically preparing our home for Brighton yet. There are still too many unknowns and I don't think I can take another bought of packing things away for a child that never came home. [Still in the process of doing that for Juliet and Emmanuel and it sucks.]

Seems like I'm always asking you all to "pray with me that..." but I'm going to do it again. Can't hurt, right? Please pray with me that Brighton comes home to us, and even that he fits into those two beautiful outfits. =-)

Anita
P.S. Trying to post this via a new method--directly from email. This will benefit you all because I can actually use spell check on my email without it screwing up the formatting! LOL!

Left to Tell

http://www.amazon.com/Left-Tell-Discovering-Rwandan-Holocaust/dp/1401908969

Left to Tell, by Immaculee Ilibagiza is a book that you need to read. Yes, you. Any person reading this blog needs to hop on over to the link above and purchase a copy of this book. This is a book about one woman's account of the Rwandan Genocide that took place in 1994. It's not just an account of what happened to her in the physical world, but also an account of what happened to her soul as she prayed to our Lord to help her survive the massacre.

My daughter Taevy is from Cambodia. If you aren't familiar with the Khmer Rouge, you should be. I urge you to read "When Broken Glass Floats" and "First the Killed My Father" if you aren't aware of the atrocities that occured in Cambodia in the last 70's.

What makes "Left to Tell" different from the other genocide books I've read is that the book is actually inspirational--not just inspiring that she survived but it's inspiring HOW she survived. I believe that this woman literally survived because she was able to forgive. No words I can write will justify the book. Just go buy it (or check it out at the library) and start reading!!!

Anita

What about the second child you were going to adopt?

Good question! =-)

Eric and I have been very sure since we began this journey in February that we were going to adopt 2 children "in one go" and complete our family. We have never wavered on that. Well, never until I saw Bright.

The day that we got information on Bright I almost immediately got this feeling like, "I ONLY want to focus on him." I wanted all of my energy and effort and prayers to be focused on this one baby boy. About mid-day I even realized that once Bright got home I would want to focus ONLY on him until he was completey stable in mind body and spirit. By the end of the day my heart had done a complete 360 and I no longer wished to adopt 2 children at once. I shared my feelings with Eric once he got home and he agreed that for now, we should only pursue Bright's adoption.

Does that mean that I don't see a fourth child in our future? No. We just aren't going to PURSUE a fourth child right now. There are tons of ways for the Lord to bring a fourth child into our family when/if it is the appropriate time. One thing that has occurred to both Eric and I is that Bright still has 3 siblings with his birth father. If his birth father ever had to make the heart-wrenching decision to relinquish another child Eric and I would want to be able to step up immediately to take that child as our own.

I have such completely peace about focusing only on Bright right now. He is the child who needs us. There will be time in the future for a fourth child if the Lord makes it clear that we are to have a fourth child.

Anita

Bright Update

Yes, I know I just announced him on the blog, but remember that Eric and I have been loving him for almost a week now! In that week I have prayed and prayed and prayed for God's protection over Bright. There is a very real possibility that he could die from his condition.

I have been going crazy without an update from Ernest on how Bright is doing! Each day that passed without word from Ernest brought more fears into my mind. I even had a dream that Bright had died and Ernest wasn't writing because he didn't know how to break the news. His solution (in my dream) was that the orphanage needed to have another child to offer us before they told us that Bright had died. What a horrible dream that was!!!!

So FINALLY today Ernest wrote with an update--a GREAT update! They have been able to do so much more for Bright than I had thought they would be able to do. You know me--I've been researching the "ideal" for babies in his condition all week. They aren't able to give him that "ideal" but they are doing more than I thought they could. Here is what Ernest had to say...

"Bright is really doing good and i will be mailing you the new development of his pictures very soon.He is under medication and he visits the doctor every day and that's doing alot of good.He has been treated against infection hence was giving pinicilin injection for a week and he is also on a good diet-meaning giving milk and the carlories that you added.Thanks for the information you gave to help that poor baby. Your suggestions are always welcome."

Praise God!!!! And the "calories" that Ernest speaks of are packets of liquid called "Benecalorie" that I brought from the US. I had brought them to give them to the orphanage in Tamale (that we didn't end up getting to visit). The last night I was in Ghana I gave them to Ernest, thinking that he could give them to kids like Sarah (who is malnourished). These are little packets of 2 tablespoons of liquid that have 330 calories. We used to give them to Samren when he was severe Failure to Thrive. God is just an amazing God. He knew that those packets would be used to help save our baby boy's life!!!

Please continue to pray with us that Bright responds to treatment. Pray that he makes a full recovery with now cognitive disabilities (one of the risks). Pray that he comes home soon!!!

Anita

Big BRIGHT News!!!!!!

Please meet baby Bright, our intended future son!!! Bright is 11 months old and is at the orphanage in Ho Hoe, Volta Region, Ghana. We've known about Bright for almost a week but we had to make sure everything was official before sharing about him.

We feel incredibly blessed to be given the opportunity to bring this little one into our family. If he comes home to us, we will name him Brighton. =-)

It is hard to see with his clothes on (we have a naked picture) but Bright is very malnourished. He is dealing with a serious form of malnutrition called Kwashiorkor. With Kwashiorkor a child may be getting close to adequate calories, but is deficient in protein. It's worse than if he were deficient in both calories and protein (oddly enough).

Bright's birth mother died during child birth, and his father did his best to care for him and his three older siblings these past several months. The week before Lois and I went to the orphanage he brought Bright to Mama Eugenia and asked her to take him because he was dying of malnutrition. At that time Mama Eugenia had no resources to care for a baby, let alone a malnourished baby, and had to send the father and baby away. The next week Lois and I came and let Mama Eugenia know that LVI would make sure they had the resources to care for any children that came to them (including babies).

The day before we left Ghana, Ernest (Mama Eugenia's son and the adminstrator of the orphanage) came to see us and in that meeting he shared with Lois and I about the baby that they had to turn away the week before. He shared his joy that they could now go to that father and let him know there was a place for the baby at the orphanage. At that time Ernest said, "Anita, this is YOUR baby."

I had been through too much at the time to get very excited about possibilities. My heart was in mourning for Juliet and Emmanuel. I was excited at the thought of a "new referral" but my heart was guarded. Never count your chickens before they've hatched you know. =-) Ernest shared with me that they planned to take the baby in the following week (my first week home from Ghana) and he hoped to write with information on the following weekend.

Last weekend was a LONG weekend! And no news or pictures came. I wasn't too disappointed because I knew a million things could have kept this baby from coming into the orphanage's care. Maybe the birth father found a way to care for him? Maybe the baby died? Maybe he was taken by a different orphanage? Of all the scenarios going through my mind the one that didn't come was that maybe Ernest just couldn't get his email to go through! That was the reality of the situation! So finally on Monday night Lois received information on Baby Bright from Ernest.

When I first saw him all I could focus on was how sick he is. You can't tell it in the picture above but he is very sick. But as the hours went by I found myself falling more and more in love with him despite my best efforts to protect my heart. I have determined that I am unable to NOT fall in love with a child I might adopt--even when there is a good chance that child could die before I can get him home. So I just have to love him the best I can and deal with the loss later if he doesn't make it home to us. In fact, I have told the Lord that I take Bright as my son, even if he never comes home to us. He doesn't have another mother in this world to love him, so I will be her even if he never gets to feel that love in person. I am completely and utterly committed to this baby boy!

Lois is going to do everything she can to expedite things in Ghana, and then it will be my turn to do everything I can to expedite things with US Immigration. We hope for Bright's sake, that he is in the US by the end of the year so that he can get the medical treatment he needs. They are doing everything they can in Ghana, but "everything they can" in Ghana is quite sub-par with everything we can do in America.

Please pray with us that Bright is forever united with our family through adoption, that HE is the child that the Lord has brought us to after all of the twists and turns in this adoption journey.

Love,
Anita

Emmanuel

I just wanted to post and share my joy with all of you that Emmanuel is going to be adopted! The family that was waiting for a referral behind us felt a strong connection with him even when he was (we thought) going to be our son. As soon as they learned that we could not proceed with his adoption they began to pray about adopting him. He is a bit older than they had thought they wanted, this being their first child.

But praise God! Emmanuel has cleared his social welfare investigation and is legally available for adoption now, and will be the son of Scot and Julz Grosso! The Grosso home will be perfect for Emmanuel because he will be the first child in the home. I have no doubt that he will be given all of the love and attention he deserves.

Please pray with me that Emmanuel's adoption goes more quickly than anticipated. His name is to be Brody Emmanuel!

Anita

Travel Journal: At Schipol writing about flight...

August 20th, 2006 (I think?)

Okay so I'm sitting at Schipol now and--wow! Did a lot happen since "2 hours into flight!" As dinner was served we started hitting bad turbulence. I'm talking--BAD! I mean, looks like a very shakey video image when you open your eyes bad! And of course this was all happening at the same time all of the aromas of dinner (chicken or lasagna) were being served. I twas a bit hungry and doing my best to eat the dinner. It wouldn't have tasted so bad if I wasn't already so nauseas from the turbulence.

As if things weren't bad enough, just after my neighbor poors his beer we hit a HUGE gap of air. I can see this all in slow motion. It was one of those moments. Trays are airborn...people's arms holding cups are flying backwards...everybody's rears have become airborn. Everything was in mid-air for that tiny moment. As the moment drew to a close I hear everybody screaming like we're on a roller coaster.

Then a first (and hopefully only) moment in life occurred. My neighbor's newly poured beer ejects itself out of his cup and proceeds to pour itself onto my head, shoulders, chest, legs, and folded blanket. BEER! STINKY BEER! [Now I don't have anything personally against beer but I don't want to smell it all over me when I'm already about to puke.] Remember, I'm already about to toss my cookies before this happened!

Luckily (???) most of the beer landed on the folded blanket on my lap. At this point my neighbor must have seen how green I was. He was so apologetic. He could tell the smell of my food was about to do me in (I wonder if me covering it up was a clue?) and offered to take my tray on his tray--very nice of him. So this is when I started praying! Pleased God, help me to NOT throw up! I kind of needed to pee and the turbulence was better, so I made my first pit stop.

After "going" I decided to stand for a few minutes. By this time the lights were being turned off and everybody was getting settled. I went back to my seat still green. I took another Bonine (motion sickness) even though you're only supposed to take one every 24 hours. I started praying to keep my mind off of the dinner that was trying to make a return appearance! I asked the Lord to heal me of this bothersome condition--motion sickness--making a list to Him of all the ways that I could serve him better if I just didn't get motion sick! =-)

I fell asleep and you know what? When I woke up my stomach was completely settled. Praise God!!! By this time they were bringing breakfast around and I felt hungry after no dinner. Yogurt and fruit cup never tasted so good!!! Although when I opened my yogurt it exploded all over the place--squirting me and my beer-drinking but kind neighbor! We had a laugh about me "getting him back" after the beer incident. =-)

The landing seemed to take forever but I didn't get sick at all! Boy am I praying this was a long-term healing! LOL! So here I sit in my beer-smelling and blueberry yogurt-stained shirt, on a hard chair in Schipol Airport. What wonderful adventures might lie ahead?!

[Note from me: In fact, I never again got motion sick during the rest of my flights to or from Ghana, or in the car the many hours we were traveling within Ghana. Yes, I took my Bonine, but I have a feeling there was more to it than that.]

[Second note from me: On the way home I would have happily traded in my pee-soaked shoes and B.O. covered body for the beer-smelling yogurt-stained outfit I wore on the way over to Ghana. It's all about perspective people!]

Next update...On the plane to Accra!

Travel Journal--Memphis to Amsterdam

August 19th, 2006 (I think...the days start to flow together during travel)

7:00pm: Sitting on flight 58 to Amsterdam. Note to self--DO NOT BUY A TICKET IN ROW F AGAIN!!!! It's a row of 4 seats, second from the end. I have a guy on the isle but so far nobody is on the other side of me. Boy do I hope this is an empty seat next to me, or this could be a long 9 hours! As far as I can tell there is NO in-flight entertainment. Rumors about Northwest may be true. =-(

Update: Sandwiched between 2 guys--both of them smell like beer and one is sweaty and needs deoderant desperately! He is taking both arm rests and my arm is getting saturated by his sweat (hope he's not reading over my shoulder as I write this)! I think I'll take a sleeping pill and not worry so much if I snore!!!!

Impressions of the people on the Amsterdam Flight: glam rockers...professor guys with black-rimmed glasses...natural girls without deoderant...hard spikey hair...big german-ish women...no personal space. [Note--can you tell that I'm in a little bit of shock at this point in my journey?!]

Update: 2 hours into the flight. Things are better. Me and the two guys I'm sitting between seem to have called a truce with the armrests. The guy on my left has stopped sweating and seems to have a good enough sense of humor (although I wasn't laughing as he watched my boobs bounce during take-off!). There is a TV after all. It's up by the bulhead seats about 25 rows ahead of me. Looks kind of like a 12" TV from here. No bother though--I've never heard of the in-flight movie ("She's the Man"). We're having fun at the moment as we fly through thunderstorms. Kind of unnerving to be NEXT to a thunderstorm instead of below one. The new camera/MP3 player is working out wonderfully! It's good for my attitude to be constantly reminded of Christ's love for me through my headphones! I was pretty unsettled when I first turned it on (due to the B.O., sweaty arms, boob-watching, etc.), but it's kind of hard to stay frazzled while "Let your Glory Pour down in this place" is pumped into my ears! Boy, I really hope that the guy next to me doesn't read sloppily-written English (he's got an accent). I didn't realize it, but I think I had hoped I would sit next to people who felt like chatting just a little bit. I don't think there will be much talking this entire trip. Everybody is "plugged in" (the universal sign for "dont want to talk to you right now!").

Next update from Schipol Airport...about the rest of the trip to Amsterdam!

Traveling to Ghana--Tulsa to Memphis

August 19th, 2006

2:05pm: Enter Tulsa International Airport

2:15pm: First blessing of the trip! The lady at the ticket counter didn't charge an over-weight fee for my overweight luggage. Go God!

2:40pm: Security was a breeze. So glad that I got hear 2.5 hours early (not!). Sudden urge for chocolate and books (Why do I think that there will be no food or reading material once I leave Tulsa???). Thirty-three dollars later I walk out of the bookstore with bite-size snickers, Famous Amos Chocolate Chip Cookies, and two new books.

4:15pm: Second blessing! Row all to myself on the tiny plane to Memphis--given to me because the person next to me had a large box that needed to be put in my seat! I think I would have enjoyed my row to myself more if I hadn't been ready to puke the entire flight. I hate those small planes. Took my Bonine (motion sickness med) a little too late, but made it on the ground praying, "Help me Jesus! Help me Jesus!"

5:50pm: Checked in for Amsterdam flight. Didn't have bouarding pass for flight from Amsterdam to Accra and was worried about that, so I asked if they could print it out (they couldn't in Tulsa). Sure enough, they were able to. Breathing easy now.

Off to Amsterdam I go....

Okay folks....

I'm dying to share some news with you that I'm not allowed to share yet. That's why I haven't posted in several days. I've decided that instead of being quiet the least I can do is type up some of my travel journal from the trip to Ghana. Yep! I wrote and wrote and wrote--almost filled up a whole notebook. Not all of it is for public viewing, but I can type up some of it for the blog. I'll try not to edit. =-)

Keep watching the blog for some big news soon (I hope).

Anita

Sinking In...

I think for the first time all of this is sinking in. Not only our losing Juliet and Emmanuel, but also the fact that we are back at square one again.

We began this journey in February with a plan to adopt two kids from Liberia and have them home by May. This was a TOTALLY doable time frame for that country when we started the process. Of course now it's seven months later (seven months!) and we are at the same place we were in May--waiting for referrals so that we can start an adoption.

Taevy's adoption seemed like torture, taking 6 months to complete. Samren's was lightening fast at only 2 months. So we haven't actually even started adopting our two new children and the process has already taken almost as long as our two other adoptions combined! I know that 7 months is not a "long time" in the world of international adoption. I know that we were just incredibly lucky with our previous two adoptions. But this is uncharted territory for us.

The odd thing is that I don't feel too too horrible about the length of time it has taken. It doesn't seem like it has already been 7 months (tomorrow) since we started. And I have some sort of deep peace that things are taking longer, in part, in order to help Taevy become that much more prepared for her new siblings.

I think the thing that is hardest for me is coming to the very real conclusion that the chances are next to nothing that we will have one or both of our children home before Christmas. This was my "big goal" with these adoptions. May would have been great but I've always been shooting for Christmas in my heart. My saddest Christmas was the one where we were waiting for Taevy and my baby wasn't home with me. We are almost assuredly in for another Christmas like that this year.

Another part of this "sinking in" process is the continued mourning for Juliet and Emmanuel. I had my big "mourning" day on Saturday before I left Ghana. But it's kind of like losing a loved one to death--there are all of these reminders of them all over our house. Their pictures on the mantle...the clothes that we had bought...the bedding we bought with those two children in mind...the most adorable black baby doll that I bought to be setting out for Juliet on Christmas morning (with a matching Asian version for Taevy)...the extra copies of their "referral" photos on my desk at home...the outfits that I took to Ghana to give to Emmanuel and Juliet that had to be repacked and brought back home with me...the albums I made for them. It feels wrong to just pack these things up like they don't exist. And yet it feels wrong to leave all of this stuff out as a constant reminder that they won't be coming home. I don't know what the best solution is.

I have some prayer requests tonight....

1. Please pray for Juliet, Emmanuel, and Sarah. I feel a heavy responsibility to help them all find homes. There is a family potentially very interested in adopting Emmanuel that needs our prayers for wisdom. There are a few families that have inquired about Sarah as well. But nobody has inquired about Juliet and she is also so deserving of a loving family.
2. Please continue to pray for our son Samren. He is having the hardest time with "letting go" of "his brother" Emmanuel. He knows in his head that Emmanuel won't be coming to live with us, but his heart hasn't let go of the brotherly love he has for him. Somehow I really believe that Samren has a soul connection with Emmanuel. In my best dreams Emmanuel is adopted by a family that will be willing to let Samren forge a long distance friendship. I think that would help Samren--to know that Emmanuel is safe and has a mommy and daddy.
3. Please pray that the two children we are actually supposed to bring home (!!!!!) are referred to us soon. I know that one child does not replace another, but it will be good when we feel like we are "on the road" again. Right now everything feels completely stalled.

Thank you friends.

Anita

Thank You Lois

Thanks to my friend and "adopted" Social Worker Lois Soncrant, my heart has found peace about not adopting Sarah.

I think that one of the things that we adoptive parents need more of is honest advice from those charged with helping us through this incredibly emotional journey. I think that a lot of times agencies see the chance to place another child (which means money for them, no matter how much we don't like to think that adoption=money) and will say "okay" to just about any family who wants to adopt a particular child without any thought of whether the placement might be appropriate.

Lois is different. She sees things first and foremost from the child's point of view--not from the point of view of an adoptive parent or an agency professional. She would never place a child into a family just to check one more waiting child off of the list. She only wants to place children in families where it will be good for the child AND the family adopting the child.

I sent Lois my "Sarah in the Soul" post the other night and asked for her guidence. Even in her jet-lagged frame of mind Lois was able to give me honest feedback in a loving way.

She said that even with all of the love I have for Sarah, the guilt that I would feel in causing Taevy trauma by bringing Sarah into our home would be THAT much more. She is so right. That hit home with me.

You see, when Taevy was around 18 months old we left her for 3.5 weeks to go to Vietnam to pick up Samren. It was a big back and forth decision on whether or not to bring her with us and in the end we decided to leave her home (where it was "safer"). What we found when we got home was a traumatized little girl. It was when we realized for the first time that Taevy had attachment issues. In her little mind we had abandoned her--just as her birthmom had done and her foster mom after that. In her mind that was her third abandonment in 18 months of life.

Even though the trauma we caused Taevy was absolutely accidental I carry a tremendous amount of guilt for not taking her with us. *I* caused my baby to be hurt very deeply. She is scarred from what we did.

So how much MORE guilty would I feel if we adopted Sarah KNOWING that it would cause Taevy trauma, but with the plan to "help her through it" (because I do know I could help her through it). How horrible would I feel as I held her late at night and tried to re-teach her heart (again) that nobody can replace her and that we would never abandon her?

I can't do that to my baby. I won't do that to my baby. I love Sarah with a feirce love. But I have a duty to never allow Taevy to be knowingly traumatized again, no matter how much I feel drawn to Sarah.

So thank you Lois. Thank you for telling me the truth (again!) even when you know that I didn't want to hear it. I appreciate your "tough love!"

Anita

Future Ghana Mommy???

Ever since my daughter Taevy saw the way Ghanaian women carry their babies (on their backs) she has been asking me to help her "put her baby on." Today she said, "Mom, I know why mommies in Ghana do this. It's so they can keep doing other things." Smart cookie! LOL! Anyway, here are a few pictures of her wearing an outfit I got for her in Ghana, with baby in tow. =-)

Anita