World AIDS Day: Dear _______________

What can I say on "World AIDS Day" that I haven't already shared on this blog? I've said over and over that HIV is not a death sentence--that my daughter is expected to live a long and healthy life. I've shared about what day to day is like having a daughter with HIV (umm...pretty much just like life with any other child). I've told you how much medication costs each month ($110 for 3 meds, on our insurance). I've even talked about stigma. I feel like I'm "preaching to the choir" at this point. So today, I want to talk to the person that creates the negative social stigma that is still hanging around like a case of bad breath.

************

Dear Outdated Medical Provider,

Thank you for attempting to care for my daughter today. However, you really didn't need to put your gloves on just to take her temperature. Before you knew she was positive you didn't bother, so why now? I appreciate your kind smiles to my daughter, but wish the concern in your eyes would go away. She isn't going to make you sick. I understand that you received your HIV/AIDS training 10 years ago and may not be that up to date on the reality of the virus in today's America. I understand that here in America you probably don't run into many HIV+ children anymore. Can I tell you why? It's because there is better than a 98% chance that an HIV+ mother won't transmit HIV to her child during birth, if she is taking the proper medication. Even though HIV in children is becoming so rare in America, I'd really appreciate it if you could spend 5 minutes to educate yourself on it before you attempt to care for my daughter. She deserves that consideration.

*********************

Dear Company Safety Trainer,

Really? Really?! People in the company need to be careful about touching the soda machines for fear that an HIV+ person has recently touched the machine? How did you get this job anyway? As a teacher I had to sit through yearly videos on Blood Borne Pathogens and even back in 2000 we were taught that blood borne pathogens are spread by (surprise!) BLOOD! I understand that it's your job to make people think more seriously about health concerns in the workplace, but do you need to do that through lies? HIV is a puny little virus. It dies quickly once it hits the air--as in seconds. It makes me sick to consider that in 20 years when my daughter is in the workforce there could still be people like you floating around. There are scary and highly contagious viruses out there. HIV isn't one of them.

*****************

Dear New-to-HIV Friend or Family Member,

No, I'm not adopting an HIV+ child to bring dissonance to the family. I'm not adopting an HIV+ child to be a hero. She's not coming into the family to affect YOUR life in any way (except that she will, because she's so darn amazing!). You are much more likely to make her sick than the other way around. She isn't any danger to the other kids in the family. Yes, they can share cups and bites of birthday cake. Of course they can all be in the same swimming pool. No, you are not entitled to share her status with anybody that our child or ourselves haven't approved--unless we decide to be completely open about our daughter's status. You can hug her, kiss her, cuddle her, help her go pee-pee in the potty, give her baths, wiper her nose, dry her tears, and change her diapers just like you would any other child in our family. I hope you will choose to be a part of our daughter's life. If not, you are the one who will lose out because she is an amazing little person.

**********************

Dear Pastor and Church Family,

We're coming to you not because we HAVE to, but because we want to include you in the joy of learning the TRUTH about HIV. We want you to know that the face of HIV/AIDS is not a sickly, skinny person with open wounds all over there body--at least not here in America. We are disclosing our child's status to you so that our church body's eyes and hearts may be opened to the opportunity to spread truth about one of the branches of our body that is severely mistreated in other parts of the world.

We may talk to you about the need to be vigilant in using Universal Precautions in the church. This is as much to protect our daughter from the germs of others as it is to protect others from the virus that is in our daughter. Did you know that since the introduction of ARV medications HIV has not been spread in any casual setting? None! Nada! However, no church is to small to use good sense when it comes to blood.

Please, stand beside us. Do not call a board meeting to discuss how to "handle" this situation. Do not feel that you need to organize a panel of physicians within the church to research this subject. Jesus loved "the least of these." He didn't call a board meeting before deciding whether or not to touch the leper. Please, treat our daughter and our family as you would treat anybody else in this church. After all, there's a good chance there are plenty of folks walking around the church with diseases that are just as serious and much more contagious as HIV.

********************

And to those who are living in love and truth:

Dear Present or Future Adoptive Parent,

Even though there are ignorant people out there...even though some of them are ignorant by choice and not circumstance...even though HIV/AIDS can kill if not treated...you *CAN* "do this." You *CAN* adopt a child who happens to have HIV/AIDS. Yes, even a child with clinical AIDS! Parenting a child with this virus/disease is easier than parenting a child with GI issues, or ADHD, or sensory issues, or cognitive delay, or Diabetes, or vision limitations, or kidney disease. [I speak of these from personal experience!] I'm betting that parenting a child with HIV is much easier than most other special needs. After all, how many other diseases are so highly researched with such amazingly affective medications? Can you give medicine twice a day? Can you take your child to the doctor 4 times a year? If so, you can parent a child with HIV.

I know what you're saying. "But what about the stigma?" Yeah, yeah, it's true. The negative stigma is out there. But with your efforts, and my efforts, and the efforts of our friends and family, the stigma will fade away (for the most part) in the next few years. If you don't want to deal with the stigma you have the option of not disclosing your child's status. To each his own.

To parent a child with HIV you don't need any special skills. Honestly, I think you should hurry up and get started while agencies still offer reduced fees for HIV+ children! It sort of surprises me that they still do, because in my life and the life of my daughter HIV seems like a very minor "special need." It's only the history of HIV/AIDS that makes it seem scary. It's just that tiny part of your brain that remembers how scared we were of it in the 80's. But that time is past. Here and now, these kids are usually no more sick than any other kid (after they start taking medication).

Dads, I hear from so many moms that they are okay with HIV but their husband is reluctant. It's in your nature. It's in your DNA to provide for your family, and to protect them. An HIV+ child seems like a threat to that at the beginning. I've already shared with you that an HIV+ child is of no danger to your family. If you don't believe me, just google it! And the finances? It's 3 copays for medication a month. Check your insurance. If you check it, and it all figures into the budget, what else is there? Chances are, you can afford the copays. And there's no need to "protect" the rest of the family. So what's holding you back?

******************

To Africa, and Asia, and Eastern Europe, and every other place being ravaged by this disease,

I pray for you. I know we are living a very different reality here in America (and in the "west") than most other parts of the world. I don't know why we were lucky enough to have the resources to fight this disease. I know that in many parts of the world HIV/AIDS treatment *IS* still stuck in the 80's--no good medicine, or not enough of it, with horrible discrimination against anybody carrying the disease. Please, forgive my people for not coming more to your AID. Forgive us for not standing beside you sooner. I know that what is being done now sometimes feels like too little, too late. Just know that there ARE people standing beside you. We will do all we can to change the face of HIV/AIDS in your country, just as the face has changed in ours. I pray for you.

Love,

Anita

P.S. It's December 1st somewhere, right?!

Truth! It's contagious!!!

As my friend "C" says, "HIV is nothing but a scared little has been!" Unfortunately, most of the world is stuck in the 80's with their knowledge of HIV/AIDS. Think about it. Here in America in the 80's we were trying to decide between VHS and Beta, and it was uber cool if you had a huge phone (with cord!) in your car! In the 80's the first home computers were just coming on the market, at thousands of dollars. Can you imagine if your knowledge of technology hadn't progressed since the 80's. You would be embarrassed! I think you should be just as embarrassed if your knowledge of HIV/AIDS is stuck in the 80's! Use your technology to learn the TRUTH!

No more excuses! Chances are, you know someone with HIV/AIDS. Chances are, you can't tell them apart from anybody else in the crowd. Please, if you haven't already, take a few moments to educate yourself about what HIV/AIDS is today--a chronic but VERY MANAGEABLE disease! Please, if you know the TRUTH about HIV--spread it! It's contagious!

Truth Pandemic (click to learn more)

Anita
P.S. December 1st is World AIDS Day! Please consider changing your FB profile pic to the Truth Pandemic graphic on that day! Please consider spreading knowledge about HIV through facebook, your blog, and all of your email contents! You can go to the link above to get all the information you need! Together we can update the world!

Still here

Hi Friends,

I'm home after a lovely Thanksgiving weekend spent with my parents. It was a good time to get away and solely focus on family.

I wrote my last message very late at night while I was in a very emotional place. I realize when reading it now that I wasn't very clear. The message came across as sort of cryptic and that wasn't my intent.

To the folks on the AdoptingFromGhana Yahoo Group, I didn't unsubscribe because of anything that happened there. I have always enjoyed that list!

To the folks that I was FaceBook friends with, I wrote a FB message letting people know that I was going to greatly reduce the number of "friends" on my page--NOT because I am actually "de-friending" you in real life, but because I want that account to be more private for now. I hope that when things are in a better place you'll allow me to "friend" you once again!

What caused me to withdraw so much? I don't want people to imagine some huge behind-the-scenes ordeal. It wasn't that. I was really hurt when someone suggested that (1) people were feeling as if they couldn't publicly share their good adoption news for fear that I would say their adoption must have been corrupt and (2) my anti-corruption talk isn't really providing any education but rather inciting fear within the community.

If you know me--if you REALLY know me--you know that those suggestions hit me where it hurts. I speak about corruption because I want people to be aware of the possibilities. I don't want anybody to walk forward in ignorance and then later regret their action or inaction (like we did with our first adoption). I don't at all assume every adoption includes corruption--even fast adoptions! Hello? Kendi's adoption was 5 months from referral to homecoming! I don't ever EVER want to come across as "holier than thou."

Anyway, that's what happened. No huge deal in the scheme of things. Just a very tender heart right now. Don't we all draw in very close to those most important in life (family and close friends) when we are feeling hurt? I do. And honestly, it seems like a great time to spend less time online and more time with the kiddos--Christmas and all. =-)

I did say two things I want to retract. I said something about not "needing" to be the one that families call when they are having problems with their adoptions. That's true--I don't NEED to be. But I'm afraid that comment could make some feel as if I somehow resent it when people who are having problems call me. That is NOT the case. In fact, it makes me feel useful to be able to help in any way. So please, do not hesitate to contact me if you think I might be able to offer you support or assistance.

The second thing I regret saying is that comments are off. I knew I made the wrong decision on that one when I checked the blog this weekend to see if any comments had come in on the I'M TURNING COMMENTS OFF blog post! LOL! So, comments are going to go back on. I think I will "approve" them for a while though, because I really don't want the blog turning into a debate for a while. Need time for the 'ol heart to heal, and for a while, I want to be able to speak freely without thinking about how I will defend every thought in a debate.

Finally, thanks to those of you who have sent such kind emails over the weekend. I will work to respond individually throughout the week. I truly appreciate you. It is lovely to feel loved.

Comments on Comments and other things.

For me, personally, this is what it's all about. Families that want kids. Kids that need families. Kids and families that can look back years later and not question on single aspect of their adoption. This is my hope for adoptive families.

Hi Friends,

I think I'm going to turn comments off for a while. I was just sitting here thinking of saying, "I'm not doing it because I don't want to hear from you..." and then I thought, "No. I am doing it because I sort of don't want to hear it!" It's not exactly that bad, but I do just feel the need to be able to speak without it turning into a big discussion. I know, I know, I did that to myself. I'm the one that ASKS these no-good-answer questions. I'm the one that loves a good debate. Except not right now.

Yeah, yeah, I got stung so I'm running back to my safe place. You know me well.

I've never been an adoption coordinator without being an adoptive mom. I have been an adoptive mom without being an adoption coordinator. The adoption community has always been really big with me, as a mom. And as a coordinator, I couldn't really imagine NOT being involved in the community. I know some coordinators are just "too busy" for that sort of thing. I couldn't imagine being too busy to be involved in the community of parents I so love.

The question now is, SHOULD I be involved in the community? What would life be like if I weren't talking back and forth with everybody all the time? Who says I have to be the one to try to educate about the realities of corruption in adoption? Who says I have to be the one to answer questions? Who says I have to be the one that people call when things aren't going right with their agency? And certainly, if the community doesn't even want me to be doing those things, why would I push myself into that position? How could it possibly benefit me or my program to be so involved all the time? Lord help me the day I screw up or something corrupt happens in one of our adoptions (without my knowledge). Ha! The community would be in such a tizzy about that (since I've set myself up to be the corruption cop).

All in all, I figure I've tried it one way. I've been super-involved for 4 years. Why not try it the other way? Why not step almost completely out of it? [Part of me is saying to myself, "Why not? Because you are passionate about this stuff and want people to learn from your mistakes and experiences".] I don't know if I can (or want to) really leave my adoption community, but I can give it a go just to see what life will be like without feeling a burden of responsibility to educate, inform, share, etc.

So if you don't hear from me, don't think it's because I don't care about you. I took my FB page down to the basics tonight--just keeping my tried and true friends, family, and the early life folks I don't want to lose touch with! I know that my Ghana peeps are still hanging around and will (hopefully) friend me again when I'm ready to crawl back out of my shell. And the big yahoo group--I think I'll unsub from there as well. Conversations are slow there lately. Maybe it's because everybody FEARS talking in case big bad Anita brings out the "C" word. Who knows? Maybe they'll take me back at a later date.

I thought about going private on this blog, but for now I've decided against it. This is sort of my place. And if people want to come here and read my rants, or see pictures of my oh-so-adorable kids, I'm fine with that. I also thought about doing "comment moderation." That way people could still comment, but if someone said something mean I could just erase it like it never happened. But no. It happened, and I will still be hurt by it as I press the delete button. I'm all soft and easily bruised like that! So...hmm...no comments. I really just wish there was a button for "no debate." I like to hear from folks who want to comment. I am just not in a place where I wish to debate my words. Instead I would say, "Don't like what I said? Great! Get your own blog and gripe about it over there! Because here? Here we are avoiding confrontation for a while."

This will be good. No pressure to check in. No burden to save my community from falling into the snare of corruption. I can try to just let that go now. I will have so much more free time! Home. Family. Church. Homeschool. My little group of awesome AAI families. My little family of folks in Ghana, and the few orphans and vulnerable we are able to assist. Things feel lighter already.

I guess you'll really have to love me (or like me a lot) to take the time to comment on posts in the near future. You'll have to use the archaic form of communication called email. I know! GASP!! But really--it works! Just shoot me a few words over at agillispie@cox.net anytime.

P.S. This whole staying out of the community experiment? Well, I'm not promising how long that will last. I'm pretty sure I'll be in withdrawal before the weekend is up. Cause I really do care.

Not the traditional Thanksgiving Post...

This time of year we are all focusing just a bit more (hopefully) on all of the blessings in our lives. We in America have so much to be thankful for. And as a Christian, I feel especially thankful that, as wonderful as this place can be, it is not my eternal home.

I tend to write a post at Thanksgiving about things I'm thankful for. And this year I am no less thankful for the amazing luxuries in my life. Luxuries like...running water, air conditioning/heat, abundant food, a strong house, medical care, medical insurance, free education and FREEDOM to choose what type of education, and my family. However, today I find myself focused on other blessings in my life--the ones in Ghana.

To M: Sister, few people here in America realize what an amazing woman you are. This is because you are so humble that your true colors are somewhat hidden from them during a short visit. They don't see how you wake at designated times throughout each night to pray to our Heavenly Father--how you cover their children in prayer until they are united. Not everybody can see your heart for the orphaned and the vulnerable (adult and child alike). They don't see you trekking through the bush, on a mission to locate a family you know is in need. You are a woman whose heart has been broken for the poor and destitute; the orphan and the widow. Today, I am thankful that you are my friend, and my colleague. And on behalf of the vulnerable that you assist each day, thank you.

To J: What can I say to you J? You are the needle in the haystack. You are the one that some don't think exists within Ghana. In a place where corruption is passed off as part of the culture, you stand up and say, "No. This is not my culture. My culture is above this. Giving thanks and respect in the form of gifts is in my culture. Corruption is not." To me, you are the best of Ghanaian men. You are strong, and yet level-headed. You are a leader, not a boss. You are man enough to be broken by the plight of the families and children you advocate for. Sometimes it amazes me how God brought our paths together. Really! A chance meeting in a very remote part of Ghana? Only God, my friend. Only God. Speaking of which, I know you call yourself a Christlim, but I am praying that some day you will be spending eternity with me. For Christ to have you as His servant on this earth would be a blessing to man. Either way, you are doing God's work. I will always thank God that He allowed us to find each other.

To C: Oh Auntie, you can't know how much of my heart you have. To me, you are the ultimate protector. You are fierce and loving. You stood up and loved my daughter when fear kept everybody else from getting close to her. You are the hands of Christ. Your love knows no bounds--not by race or color or tribe or age. You love all and protect all. I want to jump for joy at the thought of spending eternity with you! My children will once again be with their Auntie. I am so very thankful that one day several years ago you came to inquire about how you could help. My life would not be the same without you.

To P: Oh my brother! I wish that all people could look right into your heart and see your true intentions. You are rough around the edges. Some people mistake your intentions because they cannot imagine a man in Ghana who simply adores caring for children. If they spend time with you they will see that God has gifted you with the ability to parent many. They will see that the love in your heart knows no bounds. They will see the man I see--the one who gladly gives the food off of his plate to one that cannot fend for himself. Thank you for the love you give to these children. Thank you for caring for my own son--keeping him in a safe place until I could be united with him!! I pray that all of your efforts are blessed, and multiplied.

To R: R, you can't know how much your guidance has meant to me over the past 4 years. Your heart's intentions are always pure. I never, ever have to question that. For that, I am thankful. I am thankful also that you took in my son at the time when he most needed someone to care for him--even if for only that few days! I'm thankful that so many children who may have otherwise died are now living, and have a hope and a future because you were willing to be the feet of Jesus.

To Ghana: You--you are such a small little country. And yet, you are giant in my heart. Sometimes you are my best friend and other times you are my worst enemy. Anybody who visits you and comes away with one feeling of good or bad, has not really known you. You are not good. You are not bad. You are both, and much more. You have provided my heart with many opportunities to grow over the past 4+ years. I am a different person because of you. I am thankful for you, Ghana.

Gillispie Kids are Thankful For...

Taevy is thankful for the world.
Samren is thankful for his family.

Bright is thankful for people. [I just love those cute little people!]
Kendi is thankful for her medicine and her bed.

The big kids did a "I'm Thankful for" acrostic thing (where you write "THANKSGIVING" and then something that starts with each letter that you're thankful for). Here's Taevy's:

T--Taking me to a better place.

H--Having brothers and sisters.

A--Autumn, so that we can have Thanksgiving.

N--Nature, so we can butcher things and eat them!

K--Kendi, bringing her into our family.

S--Samren, to be my first brother.

G--Grandmas and Grandpas, always there for us.

I--International Adoption, to bring us to America.

V--Veterinarians, to take care of dogs.

I--Internet, so we can search things.

N--Naomi, my best friend!

G--Gillispie Family. I'm thankful to be in this family.

Always interesting to see what is floating around these little heads. We'll need to have a talk about calling America a "better" place. At her age right now, I think she is just focusing on the hard stuff about Cambodia over the beautiful stuff.

I, am thankful for my children.

Piggy-Tail Princess

I love the way pigtails look on little girls. It's so cool to be able to do them in Kendi's "hair" for a change! This time 'round with yarn braids is going SO MUCH BETTER. No braids have fallen out except at the bottom of the back, where I've decided to leave them out because she just doesn't have enough hair to keep them in back there. Someone asked how long these will stay in. My goal is to keep them in until the new year. Some people keep them in for months and months. I imagine that we will have some fall out or need to be redone. I'll just manage as that happens. So far, so good!

MamaEnat Blankets!!!

A while back Jamey contacted me about the awesome flag blankets she is making for adoptive families--in just about any country you need! Jamey was so kind that she gifted our family with a Ghana blanket. It arrived last week, beautifully packaged.When Taevy and Samren were little there was a woman making flag blankets, so they both have one. Bright has often asked why he doesn't have a Ghana blanket. He was so excited when this arrived in the mail!

Needless to say, the Ghanaians in the house are all about this blanket now! It's not too huge, so they can drag it around with no problem. They love to use it at nap time, but also like to play dress up with it. "Mommy, look! I'm Ghana!" ;-)

Can you think of a more special and long-lasting gift for your little one? Even though my big kids' legs have long outgrown their little flag blankets, they are still treasured in this house 8 years after we originally purchased them. I have a feeling the Ghana blanket will be as well! And a plus is, I think the Ghana blanket will weather even better than my big kids' blankets. The back of the MamaEnat blanket is SUPER soft and cozy minkey fabric!

The price is....well...it's "precious." But when you consider how many years this blanket will be cherished, it's worth the cost. Head on over to MamaEnats Blankets to learn more!

Satin Pillowcases to protect your African daughter's hair!

The other day I came across a listing for a monogrammed satin pillowcase on ETSY.com. Only $4 (plus $2 shipping)! I just think that's such a good price. Not only does the satin pillowcase protect Lil' Bit's hair, but she will also LOVE that her "K for Kendi" is right there on the case! The seller has been super responsive.

What a great and inexpensive Christmas gift for your princess!

[No, not getting anything out of this. Just excited about the find!]

Cool New Learning Resource

The other day I got something in my inbox about "Homeschool Advantage." I just keep these things in my inbox until I have a moment to check them out. I think one could literally spend 24/7 looking at homeschooling resources on the internet and never run out of things to explore! It gets to the point where you just have to say "good enough" and go with some of the many things that would ultimately add to your child's education.

This one--HomeSchool Advantage--looks like a great resource to me! It is not a curriculum. It's something your kids do as an add on to their regular education. If my kids went to brick and mortar school I would still probably sign them up for this. It just takes a few minutes a day! The goal is to memorize good to know facts in a variety of subjects--30,000 facts in all--by the time the child is ready for higher education. For instance, "What is the 3rd largest ocean in the world?" Homeschool Advantage kids will learn, as one of their facts, that the Indian Ocean is the 3rd largest ocean in the world.

The program takes just a few minutes a day. Your child learns 2-5 new facts a day, and reviews facts that have already been presented. Short but repetitive trumps one-time long lessons any day--any teacher knows this. By reviewing the facts over and over they will eventually be added into a child's long term memory, rather than being put in the place we use to pass the test and then promptly empty!

This isn't a frilly program. It's not video-gamish. It's facts and questions and answers with effective graphics as needed. They send you a report each day on the number of new and review facts your child was presented with, and the percent that your child got correct. You choose the facts your child is presented with, based on their learning level. There are LOTS of choices. The facts start very easy and progress as they are mastered.

Anyway, check it out if you think it's important that your child memorize a ton of "good to know" facts! They have a one month free trial. We are doing the trial right now. They don't even take your credit card information so there is NO WAY you will be stuck paying for something you decide you don't want!

Yarn Braids: Complete!

Braids braided down. Ends tied. Ends burnt. Total time for this round was about 6.5 hours, down from 15 the first time!

Happy mommy. Happy child. Done!

A few of Taevy's photos, re-touched

Bright's first missing tooth!

Bright lost his first tooth tonight! Talk about sneaking up on us! This is still my baby boy in my mind. I know his age says he's 5 now, but my heart doesn't "feel" a 5 year old. [This might be partly due to the fact that he doesn't ACT like a typical 5 year old in lots of ways.]

Taevy and Bright were coloring at the table. Taevy says, "Mom, when will Bright start losing teeth?" Hmm... I hadn't yet ever considered Bright losing teeth. I told Taevy, "Most kids start around age 6 or 7; some are still in their 5th year." At this, Taevy pulled Bright over to check his mouth. "Mom! Bright's got a tooth that is about to fall out!" What?!

I called my baby boy over and sure enough, Bright's got a tooth hanging by a thread! I started the camera to see if we could record him pulling it (since it was barely hanging on). In the end I put a tiny bit of pressure on the thing and it popped right out without us even realizing it--somewhere into the abyss of our floor! Bright didn't just lose his first tooth. Bright LOST his first tooth! YIKES!!!

Poor kid lost his first tooth before we had ever had any sort of prep talks about it. He didn't know that kids lost teeth. He didn't know that they grow new ones. He didn't know about the tooth fairy! He thought this was a rotten deal until I mentioned that the Tooth Fairy comes and puts candy under your pillow after you are asleep. Then we got a smile! The only thing is, he kept saying "Mama, we go to the fair and get candy?" [Note to self: Bright does not know what a fairy is.] So, now she is the Tooth Princess in Bright-talk. And she gives candy because well, Bright could care less about money.

Note: The thing Taevy is holding at the end of the video is not, in fact, the missing tooth. It was a seed pod from dried autumn flowers. We also found a few kernals of corn that the kids were SURE were Bright's tooth. Nope. Although you can see many other small white things on our floor in the video, the tooth is not one of them. [And believe it or not, that rug is vaccuumed every single day!]

Photog Part II: Missed these!

Uh-oh! I forgot to put the two in where Samren is acting all GQ (after direction from his big sis). LOL!

Photog in Training

Taevy asked me today if she could take some photos with my camera. She is really into taking photos and thinks she might want to be a photographer when she grows up (especially after meeting Miss Robin Dodd, photographer extraordinaire)! Here are some of today's untouched photos.

Self photo.

Self photo #2. It's really too bad this child is so ugly.

Using the self-timer, playing with the color settings. [Um...no, I don't know how to do this stuff with my own camera.] This one will be great once cropped!

So close! These smiles are their real smiles! If only the heads weren't chopped off!
Samren takes his best photos for Taevy because he doesn't try to pose. He's just goofy and fun. This is his "What's up?" look.
Samren says, "Ta-da!"

Taevy said, "Mom, what do you think about the brick background? I chose that on purpose."
This is my FAVORITE of the day! Aren't the colors just beautiful? These boys really work hard to be brothers AND friends.

Kendi loves her big brother Bright *SO* much, so although this is an eyes-closed pic that could be discarded, what I see is a sister soaking up the love so much that she is closing her eyes in bliss. Please ignore the dachshund nose!
This is my second-favorite of the day even though it's not the type you'd hang on your wall. This is one I'll look at one day when the kids are out of the house and I'll be able to remember what a normal day was like. Boy with his blue jeans rolled up, stick in hand. Boy with no socks and too-short pants. Sitting on rocks against the fence. Hanging out, doing nothing--the sort of "nothing" that makes memories.

Thanks, Taevy, for the great pictures!!! Miss Robin, Taevy wants to know which picture you like best and why? =-)

Yarn Braids, session 3

I finished putting the braids in tonight! Now at least she looks like a fully haired rag doll rather than the one where the little brother gets it and yanks out half of its hair!

Kendi's hair line is a challenge because she has a huge "receding hairline" look. I've got this flap of hair coming up front but absolutely nothing within a couple inches on either side. The result is it looks kind of weird through the yarn braids because as they fall down from the middle front there are huge gaps of baldness underneath. Hard to describe, so I shall stop!
Now we have only to decide on a length, cut off excess, finish the braids, and tie them off! I don't know if I will burn the edges or not. Will decide when I see how it looks with ends free.
The second attempt has been SO much easier. Sitting down for a short session and then letting it go until the next day is GREAT. No tears. No weird cramps in my arms from braiding at weird angles. No 10 hour straight session because of a birthday party the next morning! Yeah...slow and easy...that's the way to do it.
Time to this point: 4-5 hours (3 sessions)
Estimated # of braids: 60

Rasta-Girl

Doggy Diapers

Our little Lucy is having a very hard time learning not to go pee-pee in the house. We've resorted to doggie diapers. I crocheted the one above, but we also have actual disposable diapers--$17.99 for 12 of them! Thankfully, if she has the diaper on she doesn't pee!

Extra Income?

If you have any thoughts about how our family might be able to add about $1000 a month to our income while I continue to home educate our clan, can you leave me a comment or email me privately (agillispie@cox.net)?

Thanks.

Yarn Braids/Genie Locs Day 2

I worked on Kendi's yarn braids again this evening, after taking a full day off (poor child). They went pretty fast. It's a lot easier the second time around. Her hair is a BIT (just a bit) thicker than it was in June and I have more length to work with. I'm sectioning in bigger chunks this time because I really don't need another 15 hour ordeal only to have them falling or ripped out two days later.

About half way through tonight's work I realized I'm being very "organized" with the braids this time. I rather prefer the random way I worked last time as it looked like more natural "locs" to me. But--I'm not redoing them so this time we shall have rows!

I haven't finished off any of the braids because I haven't decided on length. Any thoughts? Last time I layered the braids to look more "natural" rather than having them all end at the same length. Not sure if it will have the same result this time.

Using the same "Black Fiesta" yarn as last time. Honestly, with a 3 year old, I figure the braids are going to be filled with fuzz within a few days, so I might as well start out with colorful specks in the braids!

P.S. Did I say "last time" enough in this post? Good grief!

The pics to prove it...

Isn't this a LOVELY look on Miss Kendi? Oh, she is just devine (or at least she feels that way)!

Bad Hair Mommy

I'm giving myself the "Bad Hair Mommy" award! Last night I decided we'd try to put yarn braids in Kendi's hair again--for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I finished like 1/5 of her head and then called it a night. I intended to work a few hours a day until it was finished. However, it's now the next night and the child is still running around with 14 random half finished yarn braids in on her head (thanks to her mommy's obsession with talking about ethics on the internet today)! She looks ridiculous! I only braided them half way down, figuring I'd finish them off after they are all in. So they are super long. She looks like an abused little rag doll!

[The sad thing is she thinks she looks super gorgeous, twirling her long "hair."]

Maybe this is why God gave me a short-haired Ghana girl? He knew it would be like this!

Goodnight all!

Adoption Awareness: Adoption Scenarios Update

Thanks to all of those that have commented on the question, "How committed are you to not take part in an adoption that includes corruption, illegalities, or unethical behaviors."

There are some very thought-provoking comments in the comments section of that post. If you aren't sure where you stand on some of these issues, please consider heading on over there to read various points of view.

For what it's worth, I'm going to share my own convictions about the scenarios I presented. I'm sure not all will agree. I do tend to take a pretty legalistic view on adoption when it comes to an agency's role. I think this is most likely due to the fact that I was horribly naive and took part in a corrupt adoption program during our first adoption, without knowing it. I've got a life time of "making up" to do. I do feel very convicted to be vocal about corruption, because I don't want another family (and certainly not a family I am charged with assisting) to have to live with the guilt I have to live with. I do place a very high degree of responsibility on an agency to always err on the side of caution with ethically gray areas. If our agency in Cambodia had done that, our family would have been saved from a lot of pain. They should have done more to protect against corruption, or they should have gotten out of the "business" of adoption all together.

• Scenario 1: Would I allow my adoption to proceed if I knew there was one falsified signature?

AS A PARENT: Maybe. It would depend on whose signature and why it was falsified. Judge? Obviously not! Someone's statement about how my child's birth father died, who couldn't travel 13 hours to sign the document and gave statement over the phone? Probably so.

AS AGENCY REP: Nope. It creates a precedence for the next adoption. It's a slippery slope. And I won't be responsible for deciding to falsify anything on another child's adoption.

• Scenario 2: Would I go forward if I knew that a previously unknown parent had been found, and had not given permission for the adoption.

AS A PARENT: No. Never.

AS AGENCY REP: No. Never. No matter how what I think of the parent, he/she has a right to their child unless the legal system within the country has taken away parental rights.

• Scenario 3: As long as you aren't doing it, is it okay for the agency to do something unethical?

AS A PARENT: No, but since I'm not the one doing it I might put it out of my mind and tell myself I couldn't have done anything about it.

AS AGENCY REP: I have to change this question a bit to say, "Is it okay if my in-country team does something unethical as long as I'm not personally involved?" No. On one hand I cannot be held accountable for something I don't know about it. On the other hand, I AM responsible to do whatever is needed to protect against it happening (through training and many tough questions). If it does happen, I'm responsible to do whatever is possible to never have it happen again (stop working with the person, insist they go back and make it right, etc.).

• Scenario 4: How much do you accept the statement, "This is just how it's done in Ghana. Gifts are expected."

AS A PARENT: That statement is a beautiful justification for me to turn a blind eye to bribery. I might want to do just that, since it is the culture and all. I don't really accept the statement deep down, but I could use it to wash away any potential blame that could come upon me for corrupt practices within my adoption.

AS AGENCY REP: I detest this statement. I feel it is the single biggest cop out that agencies (and parents) give in order to excuse corruption. Ghana has laws. American agencies are required to follow U.S. and Ghanaian laws. Period. If you can't find a way to work within the law and respect the culture, you shouldn't be doing adoptions in Ghana. I'm telling you, it's possible to do both.

• Scenario 5: Is it okay for parents to ignore when something is done illegally (for instance, running an unlicensed children's home), since it's better for the children?

AS A PARENT: This is something I would want to question my agency about. I would want to know how they justify acting outside of the law. But ultimately, if my child was better cared for because of the unlicensed home, I would look the other way.

AS AGENCY REP: It's another slippery slope. An agency is required to work within the laws of U.S. and Ghana. [Sorry I'm such a broken record on this one.] If they pick and choose which laws to follow, how are parents assured that the next time it won't be something that the parent (or authorities) would not look the other way on. "In the best interest of the child" is another statement that can be used to justify illegal practice.

• Scenario 6: How do you feel about expediting fees? Is it okay to pay someone to do something faster than it would typically be done, even if it's not an official fee?

AS A PARENT: I really am okay with expediting fees, even unpublished ones, as long as the person is being paid to do actual work.

AS AGENCY REP: Yes, when the expediting fee is so standardized that it is impossible to receive a document in good time without it, and when a person is being paid for actual services (walking a document from desk to desk, searching through stacks of applications to find a "lost" one, etc.). No, when you are asking a person to do something faster (such as create an adoption decree) that the person would not do for everybody but only as a paid favor to you. To me, that becomes a bribe.

• Scenario 7: Would I want to go back and correct documentation if new information was gathered?

AS A PARENT: It would depend on the new information. If the father's middle name was discovered and it would mean we had to lose two months to add the middle name, no. I would note the change and share with my child. If there was new information on cause of death, probably so. To me, that's big and although not likely to change the outcome of the case, I would feel deceitful to go forward with improper death information. Missing information is different than completely false information, to me.

AS AGENCY REP: Yes, I would change the information. I wouldn't change the information just to be difficult, but in anticipation that the embassy *IS* difficult. They will catch inconsistencies in spellings or death stories, and will insist everything is consistent on every document. Better to change it before that point. [Do I think the embassy should be so absurdly anal about the spelling of a name? Absolutely NOT! But I don't make the rules.]

Hmm...when I read my own thoughts on these things one thing sticks out. I am much more likely to look the other way or make an illegal or potentially unethical move in my adoption if I am "just" the parent. I want my child home, and could ultimately sacrifice my own value system in order to get the child home (as long as I felt absolutely assured the child was in need of adoption). As a parent, "the end justifies the means" much more than I would have originally thought.

As an agency rep I see that I am really quite legalistic and unbending on most potentially gray ethical areas. I think this is for two reasons. 1. I don't want to go to jail!!!! 2. I don't feel I have the right to take ethical liberties with another person's adoption. Ever. 3. I feel like it's my job (sometimes) to protect adoptive parents from themselves. In the heat of the moment adoptive parents (myself included) would do almost anything to be united with our children. But after it's over, I promise you, you will live with doubt if you give in. I want to protect "my" families from ever living with guilt and doubt over their adoptions, even if that means they get mad at me. =-(

Have a blessed day everybody. I think I will go and NOT think about adoption ethics for a while now! My brain is fried!

Adoption Awareness: My question to adoptive parents...

Food for thought this week: As an adoptive parent (pre-, or post-), how committed are you that you not take part in an adoption process that includes corruption, illegalities, or unethical behavior? How much do you believe "the end justifies the means?"

Here are some scenarios to consider:

*Would you allow your adoption to go forward knowing there was just one falsified signature? After all, the guy is out of town for a few months. It could be the difference of life or death for your child who is living in a Ghanaian orphanage.

*Would you allow your adoption to go forward if you knew the child's father--whose whereabouts were previously unknown--could now be located? Would you go forward knowing he had not been notified of the adoption plan?

*As long as YOU aren't the one doing something unethical, does that make it okay? For instance, is it on your shoulders if your agency takes part in corruption?

*How much do you believe and accept the statement, "This is just how it's done in Ghana. Gifts are expected."

*Is it okay for adoptive parents to ignore when something is done illegally (such as running a children's home without a license) since it is better for the children? After all, Ghana may never even know about the home. [I'm asking, not judging.]

*How do you feel about expediting fees? Is it okay to pay someone to do something faster than it would typically be done, even if it's not a written and official fee? For instance, maybe it takes a year (if at all) for a document to be processed with the "official" fee but a month to be processed with a standard and expected "expediting" fee.

*Would you want to go back and correct documentation if new information was gathered? For instance, it was first reported dad's first name was Samuel. Now we know it is Kofi Samuel. It was first reported dad died in a tro-tro accident. Now we know he actually committed suicide. Redoing paperwork will take a few months. How important is it, really, if it's incorrect, since it doesn't change the outcome?

Hard questions. Harder answers.

Missing Eban

Eban--an Adinkra Symbol in Ghana, standing for "love, safety, and security,"

Eban House closed over half a year ago. Eban House was the care center AAI opened in 2007, when our Ghana program first started. For 3 years we were able to help kids who were all shriveled up upon arrival to slowly grow and blossom into beautiful blooms. For three years we were able to support the local economy in a small way, by employing 20 Ghanaians not just with a living wage, but also benefits such as health care and vacation time. For three years AAI parents were able to know who was responsible for their future child's care--and able to keep their agency accountable if the care wasn't what they wanted it to be. For three years, we had an Eban House family--current residents, "graduates," employees, and volunteers.

I hate that it's all gone now. This little children's home should have been nothing more than a small blip, except to the children and families that benefited directly from the home. Instead, because it was started and supported by an adoption agency, the powers that be in Ghana refused to see it for what it was. They assumed (wrongly) that there must have been some sort of profit. They assumed (wrongly) that there must have been some sort of ulterior motive. When new residential home standards were put out by the government, we worked our tails off to make sure we met every standard. And then we were one of the first to apply under the new standards to be a fully licensed children's home under Ghanaian law. We did everything "right." It didn't matter.

There are very, very few "legal" and licensed children's homes in Ghana. That has been the case for a long time, and for a long time nobody did anything about it. But in the last few years Ghana made it very clear that their goal was to close down up to half of the homes (in favor of private foster care or family reunification), and license only the best. It sounds good, in theory. But in reality greed becomes a very real part of the deal. Licensing "the best" never really happened. Closing of homes (some good, some bad) has happened.

Here we were with Eban House. What to do? We say we're going to run a program that is fully within Ghana's laws, and yet we are running a home that is no longer licensed. Lots of others are doing it. Heck! There are several U.S. adoption agencies that are right now running homes, usually calling them "foster homes," that are completely unlicensed and therefore illegal in Ghana's eyes. Why couldn't we do the same? 1. Because we said we would operate within the law. 2. Because we were the "first" and therefore the one to draw all of the attention.

Eban closed in April 1st of this year. And I mourn her every day. I see kids in other orphanages and I mourn the conditions they are living in. I cringe at the thought of 50 kids and 1-2 caregivers, or no money to take a malaria-stricken child to the hospital. Our kids were so well cared for, in comparison. It makes me angry. I have a sour feeling in my heart, because I had to end something GOOD in order to do what was legal and right.

Let me take it a step further and say, I feel jealous of some of those other homes. I think to myself, "Why do they remain open without a license? How do those agencies justify it? Where is the justice?" And yet,how is it just for the children if these homes are closed. I just wish it were a fair playing ground. However, I am the one that created this hard standard. Others aren't required to work by my standard. The one thing I promised myself when I started this work in 2007 was that I would never compromise on corruption. But most certainly, there have been many sacrifices in order to stay away from it. Eban House was sacrificed.

One day I hope that Ghana Social Welfare is structured enough to license not only children's homes of high standard, but also adoption agencies of high standard. In Ethiopia the government keeps track of the work an adoption agency does not only for orphaned children, but for ALL of the vulnerable in the country. Shame to the agency that is not taking part in programs beyond that of assisting the adoptable child.

Lately I've been feeling sorry for myself because I'm not making many friends in the community when I talk about stuff like this. I find I am less and less "popular" the more real I become about stuff. [And honestly, I like to be liked!] People don't like to hear about corruption. They don't like to ask hard questions of their adoption agencies. They are only against corruption as long as their child can still come to America. Few of us would stand against corruption if it meant we were no longer able to adopt.

Hmm...I'm getting off subject. I'll stop here.

Eban House, I miss you, and all you were meant to be.

Adoption Awareness: Ignorance is Bliss???

Mama D.'s Dozen said:
How do you respond to adoptive parents that are adamant that other adoptive parents NOT share the hard truths on their blogs. The people that think that "if the hard stuff is shared, than it will scare people away from adopting".

I think, if the hard stuff scares someone away from adoption, then they probably weren't cut out to adopt in the first place. Honestly. Maybe the hard stuff makes us take a step back. Maybe it makes us re-evaluate our motives for adoption and what we can really handle (or feel God has assured us He can help us handle). That seems like a good sort of "scare" to go through. But if you're so scared by adoption reality that you are scared away from it entirely, it's probably for the best.

With adoption, ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance is a nasty bacteria during the process, that can spread to a huge boil after homecoming! Adoptive parents need to share the good, the bad, the ugly, and the in-between with each other.

I do think there are some pitfalls to avoid when sharing. It seems really easy to start generalizing once there is a bad experience. I had a HORRID experience with our first Ghana agency. I will share about that horrid experience. But I know that others have had really good experiences with the same agency. My experience doesn't trump theirs. We post-adoptive parents can't act as if what happened in our experience is likely to happen again. We can only share information on one family's-adoption--our own.

**We adopted a young infant who ended up having post-trauma and attachment issues. Exception rather than the rule. We are the family that says, "Don't assume infants don't have attachment difficulties."

**We adopted a young "healthy" infant who ended up having a life-threatening disease--undiagnosed at the time of adoption. Exception rather than the rule. We are the family that says, "Remember, the younger the child, the more likely that there is an undiagnosed health issue."

**We adopted a toddler with previous severe malnutrition. We now have a preschooler with several emerging developmental/behavioral/learning differences. The possibility of long-term effects from early malnutrition are becoming reality for our son and our family. We are the family that says, "Don't ignore the possibilities of long-term effects of malnutrition. It can be serious stuff."

**We adopted an HIV+ toddler who had been severely neglected, alcohol and drug exposed before birth, and significantly malnourished. We now have a preschooler who is completely healthy and (so far) shows no long term effects from the alcohol drug exposure beyond a poor stress response. We are the family that says, "Don't assume that all alcohol/drug exposed kids and previously malnourished kids will have long-term effects."

All of our adoptive placements has something that makes them out of the ordinary. I share about those things very openly. However, I want to be very careful not to make people feel that what happened in our family will happen in theirs--the good and the bad! It's not typical to do two toddler adoptions with absolutely no attachment issues, anymore than it's typical to adopt a young infant with attachment issues or a 1 in a million disease! What people can learn from others being open about the good, the bad, and the ugly is that they cannot expect their future adoption to go one way or another. YOU MUST BE READY TO ACCEPT ALL POSSIBLE OUTCOMES. YOU MUST NOT BE SO IGNORANT AS TO BELIEVE "IT WON'T (OR WILL) HAPPEN TO ME!"

Around here, the kids have decided it's Christmas season already. They are singing carols outside while the leaves are falling around them. And inside, they are "practicing" for some sort of Christmas play they imagine themselves putting on. Yesterday, Taevy decided it was time to try out costumes for Bright and Kendi, AKA Joseph and Mary.

Don't they look gentle with their cabbage patch doll baby Jesus?
Joseph is so protective, looking down on Mary.

Ahh...the happy Holy Family.

I won't mention (too much) how Bright actually thought his head dress was hair and kept trying to put it back into a ponytail!

I decided to interview the happy couple, to see if they had any idea who they were practicing to be. I think Taevy may have left out that part! Before long the interview headed in a totally unexpected direction as we discussed whether Joseph and Mary ate chicken bones.

I will miss these moments when my kids are grown and gone!